posted
Fantasy short story EDIT- Fresh material from today, about 1500 words so far. Looking for feedback on 13, potential readers for more. Also fixed typo in Hebrew. ---
“Darker,” said Kaila. “You're not trying to drum up a meshugguh fog. You’re trying to make everything go black. Black. Not gray, black. You are calling Darkness. Chosech.” “Darkness,” muttered Gal. Darkness was an impossibly close concept to him now. He had gazed into it, had thought of it each day and dreamed of it each night. It could be worse; it could have been boils. Gal closed his eyes. A year ago his mind would have conjured subtle fill-ins, images to fill the void. Now there was nothing. He reached out, pulled the blackness from his psyche and forced it forward. He opened his eyes, and there was nothing. Blackness. He closed his eyes, reopened them. No difference. Yes. “Kaila?” he called out.
[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited December 12, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited December 12, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by EP Kaplan (edited December 13, 2007).]
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First Assistant is some extra help for the holidays.
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The first 13 seems like a good start. I get a little confused with "Chomesh." Who or what is Chomesh? Is it the name for Darkness? Darkness is capitalized, so I'm thinking it is a god of darkness or the name of a spell?
I like the imagery of closing his eyes and pulling the blackness from his psyche.
posted
Chomesh is my horrible "still up writing at 6 AM" typo for Chosech, which is Hebrew for darkness, typically regarding plague number nine of the "Let my people go," variety. It will be corrected momentarily.
posted
Very dark opening, but I'm bemused because I know neither what a 'meshugguh fog' is nor what or who Chosech is. (At least I would not have done without the explanation that it's Hebrew for Darkness, but that doesn't really help me either.)
What is an impossibly close concept? Impossibly closed, perhaps?
The reference to boils was puzzling too.
Yet he sees blackness. He's doing what Kaila wants, apparently. I don't understand what's going on, nor what the problem is.
posted
I didn't have any problem reading through 'meshugguh,' it was clear from the way it was used that this was some other language (even if I don't know the exact meaning). 'Chosech,' though, made me hesitate, until I realized that it must be a word for 'Darkness.' I would change the period in "...calling Darkness. Chosech." to a comma, and possibly italicize (or otherwise distinguish) any non-English, especially in situations where the word is capitalized, since that can imply that it is a name. ("You are calling Darkness, chosech.”)
These lines very much hooked me; I would love to read the rest, feel free to email me when you're done if you'd like a critique (though it might take a bit to get back to you, I'll only have infrequent internet access for the next couple of weeks).
posted
Just posting to say I finally was able to finish the story, and it should be reaching those who wanted the full version very, very soon.
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