There was a stack of pictures strewn across the table in the dark room. Blue light poured over the faces in the photos, and Dan gazed with tired eyes, searching. He hadn't slept in days, his body felt weak and stretched, yet he kept searching. He didn't know what he was looking for. The photos were all of the same person. She was the center of Dan's life these days. At night, he spent hours in the dark-room, developing the pictures and gazing into her eyes. They were hollow, lifeless. She felt no joy, though once she had. Dan was in love with a woman he had never spoken to. She had never met his gaze, had no idea he was even alive. She was never in the same place in the pictures. Sometimes she was at the park, sometimes in a clothing store. Coffee shops,
posted
I'm intrigued, Jay. Is Dan a stalker, a voyeur, truly a man in love with a woman he is afraid to approach? Only your characterizaitons will tell...
I would be interested in reading more. Feel free to email me! We're expecting a blizzard here tomorrow, so I will have some time to read!
quote: "There was a stack of pictures strewn across the table in the dark room"
"Blue light poured over the faces in the photos"
"Dan gazed with tired eyes"
"He hadn't slept in days"
"He didn't know what he was looking for"
"The photos were all of the same person"
"She was the center of Dan's life these days"
"At night, he spent hours in the dark-room, developing the pictures and gazing into her eyes"
"Dan was in love with a woman he had never spoken to"
"She had never met his gaze, had no idea he was even alive"
"She was never in the same place in the pictures"
"Sometimes she was at the park, sometimes in a clothing store. Coffee shops"
These could be altered so they aren't quite as line item. Right now it reads as Dan-is-a-stalker, Dan-is-looking-at-pictures that sort of thing.
What about starting when he is actually taking a picture? You could build it up like he's supposed to meet her for a date, he's getting worried because she is late, he finds a good spot in a cafe, he spots her across the street, instead of getting up he pulls out a camera and starts taking photos...?
If starting with the photos are important I think it would be good to mix in some more descriptive back-story.
Describing one or two pictures could really make the story interesting. You could have him pull out two different pictures, one with her wearing a winter coat and the other with her in a bikini, that says a lot right there about how long it has been going on. Having him comment on individual photos might help build up the story and add more suspense.
Here's a rough example of what I'm talking about.
In this paragraph I'm trying to say that 1 - Dan is messed up 2 - He has a bunch of pictures of a girl 2 - the girl probably doesn't know him 3 - He's been doing this for a long time
quote: Dan slid out a photo from the bottom of his stack and placed it under his examination lamp. The edges were worn down and a large fold mark had cut through her face leaving her skin bubbled up and distorted. He looked at her dress, it was a striped v-neck with long sleeves almost like a large business shirt. He imagined her walking down to breakfast in his shirt....
Again, probably not a good example. Just trying to help. I think it has a lot of potential!
Halogen: When I was reading it over the other day, I realized that the first thousand words or so are full of narative, and there's definately not much action. I considered starting the revised version at the second page, and here's the first thirteen if I were to do that: ------------------------------------------------- It was a cold day, mid November, and the first snow had fallen the night before. There was a thin blanket of slush on the streets and sidewalks, and the trees bowed under the weight of the fluffy powder. Dan was seated across the street from a coffee shop. The Black Bean was her favorite place to get coffee, he knew that. She had left her house early that morning to meet one of her friends -- it may have been Jenny, but he wasn't certain. Across the street was a nice little park, full of pines and willows in the summer. When she walked into the coffee shop he found a bench at the park, brushed off the snow, and pretended to read. He glanced up at her from time to time, through the broad street-facing window of the store. She seemed happy enough, laughing and giggling. She was so good at
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Let me know what you think of that. To everybody else who asked, I'll send you a copy of the full story, let me know what you think. -Jay
posted
Yeah, I like that, I think it starts out a little more open and leaves room for more action before he is back looking at photographs.
Some food for thought; I didn't change any of the text in the quote below, I just put the second sentence on top. This way you aren't 'starting with the weather' and there is a timeline; Paragraph 1 he's waiting for her, Paragraph 2 he's making casual observations, Paragraph 3 she arrives. I don't know if it helps, just thinking out loud.
quote:The Black Bean was her favorite place to get coffee, he knew that. She had left her house early that morning to meet one of her friends -- it may have been Jenny, but he wasn't certain.
It was a cold day, mid November, and the first snow had fallen the night before. There was a thin blanket of slush on the streets and sidewalks, and the trees bowed under the weight of the fluffy powder.
When she walked into the coffee shop he found a bench at the park, brushed off the snow, and pretended to read. He glanced up at her from time to time, through the broad street-facing window of the store. She seemed happy enough, laughing and giggling. She was so good at
[This message has been edited by halogen (edited December 17, 2007).]
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