Want to thank you all for the feedback on this last week. Hope this is a better hook. This revision is ready for readers, if I have any takers.
Thanks,
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When Frankie got done, he rolled off and lay beside her. He’d run plenty of girls, but somehow Tina got to him. She could slit your throat with a dart of her eyes or bring you back to life with a wry little smile. She owned him. His eyes flowed over her, sliding down the dip of her waist to the curve of her hip. He knew every sweet line. Unfortunately, the journey showed bruises and teeth marks. Leave it to an upstanding businessman to mess with his livelihood. The fancier they dressed, the weirder they liked it. And it would probably take a couple weeks for the bruises to fade. His favorite clients were miners on their way back from the Jovian moons. They stopped off on Luna just long enough for a
[This message has been edited by Igwiz (edited December 26, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by First Assistant (edited December 27, 2007).]
posted
Well written, certainly. I never thought about pimps having sex with their string -- if I had, I guess I would have assumed they kept their girlfriends and their whores separate, but it is not a subject on which I have any information.
The big question is, why should I care about Frankie; why should I want to read more about him, except for the prurient interest?
posted
There's enough here to keep me reading. The hook's in the situation you're setting up; I want to see how the author's going to treat the future of paid sex. More importantly, I want to know if Frankie's going to do anything about how Tina's being treated, since he's said she's important to him.
The only part that's iffy to me is the last few lines, which suggest an upcoming bit of exposition. If that's not the case, that's dandy. But with Tina lying there right after they've had sex, with bruises on her body from another man, I want her to say or do something fairly quickly so she comes alive as more than a motionless bruised hooker, seemingly on pause as Frankie thinks. I want to see her power to slit a man's throat with her eyes and bring him to life with a smile again, fairly quickly. If she owns him, how is Frankie thinking about her clients in a detached way when she's still (presumably) naked beside him?
posted
I agree with Rick in that there is little real hook here but I think this is one of those instances where the writing is enough to get the reader to give the story at least another page or so.
She could slit your throat with a dart of her eyes I really liked this
I think the only thing I didn't really like about the opening was that last line - His favorite clients - this very comment seems at odds with his feelings for Tina. It seems to me that he would loathe all his clients, he would take their money but loathe them at the same time, the word "favorite" just struck me as odd. Also, I think we do need to see more of Tina here rather than the clients. If you're aiming to introduce the sci-fi aspect early in the story, maybe just a quick mention of something futuristic in their room and then get back to Tina?
I'd be glad to take another look at this one again if you like
posted
I felt a bit jolted back and forth here. First we're talking about the sex and how this hooker gets to him and then we're into the bruises, then his favorite clients. Right now I have three separate events - at least in my head - that I can't tie together. If it flowed a bit smoother, you could probably hook me. But then, it could just be me. Posts: 1210 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
This is the revision after current comments, and I think your suggestions have made it stronger.
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When Frankie got done, he rolled off and lay beside her. He’d run plenty of girls, but somehow Tina got to him. She could slit your throat with a dart of her eyes or bring you back to life with a wry little smile. She owned him. His eyes flowed over her, sliding down the dip of her waist to the curve of her hip. He knew every sweet line. Unfortunately, the journey showed bruises and teeth marks. Leave it to an upstanding businessman to mess with his livelihood. The fancier they dressed, the weirder they were. It would probably take a couple weeks for the bruises to fade. Tina turned and checked the universal clock set into the wall. It showed both Terran and Lunar time. “It’s late, baby” she said. “Are we done?” Her cool tone cut him deeper than he
posted
I think the revision is definitely better. I would read on, even though Frankie seems quite the sleaze ball.
Somehow, this sequence doesn't quite work for me:
quote: He knew every sweet line. Unfortunately, the journey showed bruises and teeth marks. Leave it to an upstanding businessman to mess with his livelihood.
It seems like a jump in logic and topic. First he's thinking in his odd pimp-like fashion how much he's attracted to Tina--then he's thinking about the bruises. But the "journey" he's referring to sounds like his journey (to orgasm or whatever). It's kind of surprising, then, to discover in the next like that he knows the businessman did it. I'm still looking for him to ruminate further on Tina and how unusual she is.
Then the switch to thinking of Tina as his "livelihood" doesn't work for me either, since you spent the first few sentences establishing that Tina is special somehow. I don't know, it feels like a regression.
posted
Well, lgwiz...since my name *is* Tina and I haven't even read a single draft yet, I'm open to taking a look at your revision, albeit in your opinion, "getting sloppy." I hate sloppy seconds but you might think it's sloppy, I might not. Besides, I didn't even know until now there was a first one. hehe
I'm happy to be a fresh eye and perspective on your story. Feel free to email it to me.
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