“Your security chief thinks they may have to use force to disperse the crowd,” she stared hard at her father looking deep into his grey eyes, “Dad this is not going away. I think your in danger, I think they want to kill you. Dad?”

***

This is just a very rough initial draft, this story has been bouncing around my head for the last few days. so I decided to write it down or at least start it. Does this story sound interesting? Does it grab your attention? Oniri, is a play on the greek word for dream/about dreaming.

The writing and the characterization felt a little stiff and awkward to me. I'd like to see more specificity--what is unique about Reve? What makes Reve Reve, and why should I read about him? As it stands, the vague premise is not enough.

You mentioned this is a rough draft. Well, I still gave it a line-by-line since it's all we have here and it gives me a chance to back up what I'm saying.

Edited to add: I should also say, just write the darn thing! If you see the vision, write it, and don't worry what other people think until it's done. It's tempting to test the waters before embarking on a story, but I think it's a temptation worth resisting--you don't even know what you have until it's written, and in its nascent form, you risk injuring your vision and passion.

Reve stared out his window sadly at the angry mob below.Ugh, two adjectives in your first line, and neither of them particularly insightful. They were ready kill him, because he was to blame for the state of this world. The planet was in chaos all becasue because of a dream, his dream. Reve walked over to his desk and stared more staring at all the glowing lights on the phone, comma splice the problems were growing – spreading. The door opened to his office "The door to his office opened" other wise it sounds like there's a door that opens to his office. and he quickly pulled open his drawer, reaching for the gun inside If he's expecting trouble why doesn't he have the door locked? Or have the gun in his hand? And if he's expecting trouble, what is his daughter doing wandering around the halls alone?. He relaxed when he saw that it was his daughterComma, unless he has more than one daughter Oniri. He flashed her a smile and sat in his leather chair.

“Your security chief thinks they may have to use force to disperse the crowd,” she stared more staring hard at her father comma--otherwise, sounds like it would refer to "father" looking deep into his grey eyes POV switch here--we were pretty firmly rooted in Reve's POV. But this is not the sort of detail one would think of oneself. Also, while "looking deep" emphasizes "stared hard", it doesn't quite work for me since it doesn't add anything--it's just repetition., “Dad comma this is not going away. I think your you'rein danger, I think they want to kill you. Dad?” She hasn't told us anything we haven't already concluded from the previous scene.

Reve stared more staring at his daughter and leaned back in his chair, “Yes I know. Sad isn't it that it has to come to this. It was, well it appeared to be, going so well. Dialogue feels stilted to me--some commas might help. Also a little thick with cliche.” Reve turned his chair to face the potrait portrait of his departed wife, “Your mother told me this would happen. She warned me that my dreams were just that mine and that eventually..."[b]Er--can't quite get this to parse. Maybe: "She warned me that my dreams were just that--mine--and that eventually..."

“Dad, snap out of it! Mom was with every step of the way – she believed in you.