posted
I didn’t know she was a Soul Stealer when I met her. She wasn’t like the others. Everybody knew the Soul Stealers, with their pale faces and far away dark eyes. Everywhere they went they were followed by fearful downcast eyes and sullen silences. Little Eadric Malkin once dared me to touch the billowing black cloak of the Soul Stealer who strode through the marketplace every morning on his way to the Pits. I won the bet but had nightmares for months afterwards of those cold, cold eyes swinging towards me. Whether the crawling, creeping sensation which scraped across my mind was a figment of my imagination, I’m still unsure to this day. Laraine was different. She had eyes that sparkled and danced with life. She had a smile that I would guard as jealously as
Hmmm, not sure about this opening, but all comments are much appreciated and if anybody wants to read the whole thing its dark fantasy and 5900. Thanks
posted
I would combine the second and third sentences, to read: "She wasn’t like the others, with their..." in order to avoid repeating "Soul Stealers;" it sounded kind of awkward when I read it. I'm not sure about "far away dark eyes," 'distant' would probably work better.
The Soul Stealers themselves don't seem to deviate from common fantasy archetypes (Nazgul, Fades/Eyeless from 'The Wheel of Time,' the Wights in 'Song of Ice and Fire'), especially with the dark eyes and long, black robes. In my opinion, the first two sentences counteract at least most of the negative opinion I get from the 'cliche' characters (since Laraine is obviously not your standard Ringwraith), but this may still put off some readers. If the Stealers do differ significantly from these archetypes, that should probably be made clear from the beginning, to avoid readers assuming your work is largely derivative.
In any case, this beginning did pull me into the story, and I would be happy to read more.
posted
Heh--I sense an dangerous love a-brewing... I was hooked by the opening lines, but do agree with NathanClark they could be a little leaner. I do like how you slipped in some details about the world.
posted
Although a lot of authors seem to use it, I tend not like this kind of summary introduction used at the beginning of a story. If not done extremely well (take The Great Gatsby or various sections of the Alvin Maker novels, for example), it makes it seem as if you're afraid that the rest of the story won't convey some important message to the reader (in this case, that some sort of intimacy will develop between the narrator and the Soul Stealer).
It would be much more effective--and much more fun to write, I'd say--if you just head straight into the action. Have the narrator start with some sort of encounter with a Soul Stealer. (By the way, "Soul Stealer" just seems too much of a mouthful--plus, the common people tend to shorten titles (e.g. "Autobus" became "bus," "Royal Canadian Mounted Police" became "Mounties," etc.). Just have them be called "Stealers.) Then have him encounter the specific "Soul Stealer" (after some transition, of course).
posted
I agree with the general timbre of the previous comments but need to see more to have anything deeper to add. send it on.
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posted
I like what you have here. I have to agree with what others have said about questioning the use of "far away" in describing the Soul Stealers' eyes. And while I don't have foxjwill's issue with this kind of introduction, I do like the idea of perhaps starting the story with an encounter with a Soul Stealer, if only because that will tell us more about the narrating character.
I'd be happy to read more if you'd like to send it my way.
posted
[quote]Everybody knew the Soul Stealers, with their pale faces and far away dark eyes. Everywhere they went they were followed by fearful downcast eyes and sullen silences.[quote]
Cut this line. All this will become apparent. The lines about touching a soul stealer (don't capitalize it, you wouldn't capitalize doctor or police officer) are quite awesome.
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