posted
I apologize! That is how I would like to start. I appreciate all the great comments I have gotten on this. But I seem to have lost the good copy of this story, meaning the one that has been proofread. (Arugh bad day) Thank you to the two readers that offered and and for the one that read it despite the errors. I am very embarrassed!
With that in mind for now I would like to withdraw my requests for readers. Very sorry! Thanks again!
This is a kind of a light Sci/Fi that kind of boarders on the edge of true science fiction and fantasy. I would love to know if there is a hook, and also one or two people that might be interested in reading. It is about 5000 words (a little shy of that) and I will warn anyone who wants to read it is still a little rough.
Here are the first 13. Hope you enjoy! ********* "I have found it." Larry said standing up in his cube so that we could all see him. "I have found it." Now he was almost yelling it. "Found what?" Sue asked from the next cubical over. She didn't even bother getting up and we could hear her still typing. We have always believed Larry to be a little over the edge. "Mt. Olympus, come see." "What?" I asked standing up myself for the first time all day. "Mt Olympus, come see." He repeated beckoning me over. I hesitated slightly. Going over into Larry's cubical was a bit like stepping into a fantasy world and more often than not, not one you would really like to visit. He had posters up on every inch of the wall depicting the imaginary world that he *******
And thanks in advance.
[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited January 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited January 21, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited January 21, 2008).]
posted
"I have found it." Larry said standing up in his cube so that we could all see him. "I have found it." Now he was almost yelling it. When people are excited their language becomes less formal. He should probably be saying "I've found it" instead.
"Found what?" Sue asked from the next cubical over. She didn't even bother getting up and we could hear her still typing. We have always believed Larry to be a little over the edge. [b]If Sue is skeptical, you can convey that better in her actual words. "Mt. Olympus, come see." "What?" I asked standing up myself for the first time all day. He sleeps in his cubicle? "Mt Olympus, come see." He repeated beckoning me over. I hesitated slightly. Going over into Why not just say entering? Larry's cubical was a bit like stepping into a fantasy world and more often than not, not one you would really like to visit. He had posters up on ever inch of the wall depicting the imaginary world that he dreamed of, and figures all around on the desk of the creatures that inhabited it. Awkwardly worded I didn't really understand his world but, to him it seemed as real as the one we lived in. "Come on it will only take a sec." He said when we saw my hesitation. "It is here on Google earth." "Alright, I'll bite." I said walking over to his cube. As expected it was a dizzying array of posters drawings and character figures.
You seem to be having phrasing problems, and I'm not sure that you're conveying the scene as you imagine it.
Incidently, I would expect Sue to reply "So?". Mt Olympus is not Atlantis. It's an actual mountain in Greece. Hundreds of thousands of people have found it, most notably the Greeks. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mount_Olympus
In conclusion, don't expect people to get too excited by the mention of Mt. Olympus. The impression I recieved was that Larry is just enthusiastically ignorant. If you're trying to have Larry find something ON Mt. Olympus, you probably aren't going to be able to just have him use Google Earth.
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited January 21, 2008).]
posted
This one had me hooked, I'd definitely read on to see where you were going with this. Just a couple of minor nits:
Larry said standing up in his cube so that we could all see him. - maybe a comma after said? Also, with this being right at the beginning of the story, I had the impression of Larry literally being in a transparent cube so I'd have preferred cubical here.
"What?" I asked standing up myself for the first time all day. - This had me wondering, didn't he stand up when got out of bed in the morning or has he literally been in his cubicle all day? Also, might just be me, but I prefer "first time of the day."
Going over into Larry's cubical was a bit like stepping into a fantasy world and more often than not, not one you would really like to visit. - sounded awkward and I think you missed a chance to give a brief description of the kind of world Larry had created around himself--what is it that makes it so unsettling?
He had posters up on ever inch of the wall - "posters covering every inch of the wall"?
Like I said, all minor nits--I'll be glad to read the rest if you want to send it on
posted
Jeff, I will just jump right in and say that I detected no real hook. Mt. Olympus is indeed found on google Earth (Four of them at least) so that angle does not hook me. At this point you need to work some kind of hook into the intro to pull in more readers/editors.
I reworked your first 13 to change anything I saw as WRONG with the original. But I could not add a hook as that is your job. All that said I will Gladly take a look at your full story. Send it along.
My take ________________________________________________________________ "I found it." Larry shouted standing up in his cubicle so that we could see him. "I have found it." he said even louder. "Found what?" Sue asked from the next cubical over. She didn't bother getting up and we could hear her still typing. She, like the rest of us, believed Larry to be a little over the edge. "Mt. Olympus," he answered, "come and see." "What did you find?" I asked standing up for the first time all day. "Mt. Olympus, come see." He repeated beckoning me over. I hesitated slightly. Going over into Larry's cubical was a bit like stepping into a fantasy world and not one you really want to visit. He has posters depicting the imaginary world that he dreamed of on every inch of the walls, and small figurines of
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 21, 2008).]
posted
smncameron ********** Incidently, I would expect Sue to reply "So?". Mt Olympus is not Atlantis. It's an actual mountain in Greece. Hundreds of thousands of people have found it, most notably the Greeks.
In conclusion, don't expect people to get too excited by the mention of Mt. Olympus.
**********
Thanks. When I started the story I had blocked the fact that MT. Olympus was real, out of my mind. But yes, I do know it exists. It is what he finds about it that is special. about three or four lines beyond the first 13.
If it would be alright I would like to use your phrasing for Sue. "So?. Not Atlantis Larry. It's an actual mountain in Greece you know. Hundreds of thousands of people have found it, most notably the Greeks." I was trying to find a way to make her more sarcastic.
posted
You asked if there was a hook. I would say it is a soft one since viewing Google Earth is not a big deal anymore. But if Larry could see something unusual, something not normally seen on Google Earth, like a bank robbery in progress, or some Dude mooning the satellite camera, then it would be an irresistible hook.
A nit: Suggest replacing, "into a fantasy world" with "into the Twilight Zone" for degree of weirdness.
posted
Thank you monstewer Consider it on it's way.
Sorry to spoil it for you Antinomy, there will be no mooning the camera! No mooning of the people in the next cubical, and just generally thin on the mooning.
[This message has been edited by jeffrey.hite (edited January 21, 2008).]
posted
Despite the Mt. Olympus factor, I found myself mildly intrigued by this opening. The hook for me is crazy Larry, and I'd read on to gain insight into his fantasy world. However, the writing was a bit dry and just didn't quite come to life for me. Others have made good comments on the dialogue, so I won't harp on that except to say, try to make these people real live people. Reach past the easy responses and search for something that will really make these people unique and interesting to read.
Would you mind editing your post so that the break line you've inserted isn't so long? It's making the whole thread so wide that I have to scroll side-to-side to read it.
Thanks.
[Edited to add:] Thanks, Kathleen.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited January 22, 2008).]
posted
Sorry about that. I didn't return until it was already edited. Didn't even know that that was a possible consequence. I'll avoid that in the future.
As I have noted at the beginning I did a really embarrassing thing. I want to publicly apologize for my mistake. Some how I lost my edited copy of the story I had written. I am still not 100% sure how that happened but it did. Then I sent the unedited copy out to people. The copy that went out was a very rough draft, I had barely run spell check on it. This is not something you want to do. The first review back was, "I think you need to buy a grammar book." Ouch! But, it was well deserved, and after I was done being horrified and shocked, I quickly begged forgiveness from that reader and requested the other reader to not finish reading the story.
For any of you that want to learn from this lesson I encourage you to. Read your work before you send it out. Even if you have already edited it once. Read it over before you hit that send button. It will save you a lot of red faces.
lastly I will have a newly edited copy of this story with a new first 13 and everything ready to be posted here soon. But, I am first going to go through a much more extensive "first reader" and re-edit process before I bring it here. Thanks to everyone!
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