Jean sighed as she glanced around her shop, looking for anything out of place or anything that needed dusting. Of course everything was perfect. All the crystals, lined up in their lighted cases, each one positioned to show its best qualities, each labeled with care as to medicinal or spiritual use. All the books, organized and arranged. Perfect—because she had nothing better to do.
Business had been slow these past few months, the weather unusually uncooperative, keeping the tourists away. For a while, the locals had shopped her store too, but that had been during the New Age heyday. Now she depended strictly on the Market's
**** I'm well aware that there's no action-packed* hook here. I'm hoping the prose can carry it to where the hook shows up shortly into page 2. That said, I'm particularly looking for readers' ideas on how to make it more hook-y in the first bit without doing the "Blah HOOK!! Backtrack, backtrack, okay back to where we started" thing.
(*Okay, maybe not action-packed, either, but it's not that kind of story. )
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As you have said yourself, there is no real hook here But for such a relatively short story I did found this opening a little meandering, the entire first paragraph could have been cut into one fairly short sentence: "Jean kept the store spotless as she had nothing else to do."
the locals had shopped her store too - should that be shopped at her store?
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I'll read it, and offer my perhaps-worthless thoughts on where to start. I have trouble with it too, so it'll be an interesting exercise for me to help someone else (if you don't mind being my guinea pig!)
Btw--there's already a mild hook for me--I've always been curious about the sort of "aftermath" of the new-age wave.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 28, 2008).]
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I'd be happy to workshop your story if you want to send it to me. I'm not opposed to a "quiet" opening, and a story set in a New Age shop has some allure, mostly because I don't frequent them, myself. Posts: 195 | Registered: Feb 2008
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Hi kathyton, welcome to Hatrack and thanks for offering to crit. While you're at it, you should introduce yourself in the "Next, Please Introduce Yourself" area. Posts: 100 | Registered: Dec 2007
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You're right about the low level hook. But, it's real enough and well written enough to be engaging. I find myself wondering what could shatter the normalcy of the normal day. I’ll read.
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Oops --- I completely blew past the intro request topic. Kathleen e-mailed me directly, and I still didn't wise up! Thanks for the help. I read through your piece while eating dinner last night and enjoyed it very much. I'll have a real critique for you by the week-end. this is a particularly crazy week at work.
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But for such a relatively short story I did found this opening a little meandering, the entire first paragraph could have been cut into one fairly short sentence: "Jean kept the store spotless as she had nothing else to do."
