A couple of comments;

You flow well, everything ties in good, but I feel its a bit wordy. I think you could cut some places, and break into more sentences to get the flow better.

I'd rather just comment on certain parts, but here's a rewrite ( I hate to rewrite btw) just to give you an idea of what I mean above. Hope you don't take offense.

Sebastopol awoke and slid out from beneath the spider silk sheets and elaborate cashmere blanket of his high-flown bed. He sat up and slipped the Dreamer off his eyes, plugging it into its sleek charger on the night stand. The programmed dream did little to distract him from the exciting day ahead. He stood and stretched his pale nude body, then glided across the soft carpet to the vanity station against the wall.
He began his intricate morning routine. A mouthpiece was removed from its Ion solution canister and place in mouth. The enzymes began their duty, sterilizing his mouth and polishing his flawless teeth to an unnatural shade of white.

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just a rewrite, I could be totally wrong depending on where the story goes from here.

One more thing:
If the story is running through a day in the life of Sebastopol then its golden. I see an average guy in a futuristic domicile going through a morning routine resembling me today, but with a higher technology involved.But, if the story is going somewhere else, you might want to cut back on detailing his every move so much (especially if its a short story). Also, (2 more things I guess). I feel the sentence "The programmed dream did little to distract him from the exciting day ahead." I found a little weak. I grasped the concept. he wakes up and pushes the dream out of his head as he focuses on his exciting day ahead. I would work on the sentence a bit to make it stronger.

Great write, would be happy to read more. If you have it, send it my way.

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited February 05, 2008).]

Your sentences are too long and need to be broken up. You know what, I’m going to recommend a book called, ‘The Elements of Style,’ by Strunk and White. Tough book if school’s not your thing, but it will get you further away from basic issues so you can work on portraying your story without everyone stopping you to point out basic grammatical errors. Actually, that never really stops, but you need far less of them.

The only piece of Sci-fi I found in this was, “His programmed dream did little to distract him from the exciting day ahead.” And I believe that’s your hook too. The rest, for me, was something else. Not bad, just too much focus on… well, you know what I’m saying. I’m just seeing clingy silk sheets outlining things that I don’t want to think about and should probably be taken out with a laser cannon early in the story just to get it back on the correct shelf at Barnes and Nobles. Maybe it’s just me. See what others say.

Again I like that you write from your minds eye the way you do.

quote:

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Sebastopol awoke and slid out from beneath the [exquisite onyx colored<--Why not just say "black"?] spider[-]silk sheets that [seemed to cling<--Did they cling, or didn't they?] to his [nudeness<--To his "nudeness"? You mean his "naked body" right?] [and elaborate cashmere blanket of his high-flown bed<--Okay, the prose is so thick here, I need to re-read it to make sure what's happening. I get the hint--from the sheets--that he has expensive tastes.]. He sat up and [slipped the velvet covered dreamer off his eyes<--You mean he was blindfolded? Whose PoV?] and plugged it into its sleek charger on the night stand.[Eh?] His programmed dream did little to distract him from the exciting day ahead.[Is something actually going to happen?] He stood and stretched his pale [nude body<--Redundant.] then walked to the vanity station against the wall. The soft carpet glided between his bare toes.
[At the vanity began his intricate morning routine.<--Static, nothing is happening, and we are witnessing him start his day here, so don't need to be told.] Removing a mouthpiece from its Ion solution canister and putting it in his mouth, the enzymes began their duty sterilizing his mouth and polishing his flawless teeth to a most unnatural shade of white.

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1) There's some PoV confusion.

2) There's nothing happening, why should I (the reader/editor) turn the page? There's no conflict--or promise of any type of conflict.

3) The prose is so thick and flowery that it distracts from what you are showing us: the character. Is he gay?(Unfortunately, with no plot-conflict and an unlikeable character, you have two-strikes against you.)

4) Waking up from a dream is a big cliche. Unless you have a good reason for it (like the story somehow revolves around the velvet-covered dreamer, I'd advise against it. No use shooting yourself in the foot before the race.)

5) In a short story you don't have much time to hook us. Formatted properly, 13 lines is the first page of a story. With the massive amounts of stories editors receive in a month, they look for reasons to discard a manuscript, as much as reasons to keep it.

What I've read makes me wonder if you are starting in the wrong place. In a short story, you should start as close to the action/core as you can.

I hope this helps.

I didn't pick up a gay erotic vibe from this story in the slightest. If the character was a female, would it give a lesbian erotic vibe? Didn't enter my thoughts once. But, that being said, I do feel the "cling to his nudeness" as well as most of the first sentence was overkill in the description department.

I'd like to review the longer passage, if you're looking for extended feedback.

"Unnaturally shade of white" makes me think off-white, like yellowed or creamy. Maybe say "a white brighter than natural"

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited February 05, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited February 05, 2008).]

LOL, you know what? I didn't find the first entry to by gay erotic at all, but this one now makes me think he might be gay. Maybe its the way he thinks that he has to become glamourous? Just thought it was funny.

I think it could still use a little trimming, though, perhaps something like:

quote:

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Sebastapol awoke and sat up in his high-flown bed. He removed the velvet-covered dreamer and plugged it into the charger on the nightstand. Programmed dreams were nothing compared to the thought of tonights release of his latest simulation.

He slid out from beneath his exquisite spider-silk sheets and stretched his nude body. At the vanity, he removed a mouthpiece from its canister and put it in his mouth. The enzymes began sterilizing his mouth and polishing his teeth to an unaturally brilliant white.

He had to get glamorous. He was Hollywood.

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I think at the very least that moving the glamorous/Hollywood line to the end lends it more punch than leaving it in the middle.
[insert usual "grain of salt" disclaimers that this is only my opinion, etc.]

Thanks for the suggestion. I like the impact of the punch at the end.

quote:

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Sebastapol awoke and sat up in his high-flown bed. I'm imagining a bed that is hovering above the ground. Tonight was the big night. He removed the velvet covered dreamer I have no idea what a dreamer is in this version. Maybe add "from his eyes"? and plugged it into the charger on the nightstand. His programmed dream was nothing compared to what? The excitement he'll get at the release or the adoration or what? tonight's release of Hollywoods latest simulation. He had to get glamorous. He was Hollywood.

He slid out from beneath his exquisite spider-silk sheets and stretched his nude body. I get that you're pointing out that he doesn't wear pajamas, but is that important? It seems odd to make such a point of his being nude unless it plays a major role in the story At the vanity, he removed a mouthpiece from its canister and put it in his mouth. The enzymes began their duty of sterilizing his mouth and polishing his teeth to an unatural spelled "unnatural" shade of white.

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