posted
revised version below 2/11 attempt number 3 down below that okay, try number 4
I dreamed I was ice fishing back home. Which was strange because I WAS fishing at a hole in the ice. Of course, the ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter hydro-alumuno cable with fifty fiber optic threads inside it. What’s more, I’d fallen asleep three other times this past hour without ever once dreaming of cold or ice or fishing. I did not want to be out here. The “fishing hut” was a Super Quonset hemisphere a mile away and I’d have given half my outrageously over-paid hazard bonus to be inside right now, breathing algae re-filtered air and sipping a warm beer with John and Mack. But here I was, out on the ice like an idiot, watching little red telltales for a bite of some kind way down below in that water.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 09, 2008).]
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[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 10, 2008).]
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quote:I dreamed I was ice fishing back home. Which was strange because I WAS fishing at a hole in the ice. That doesn't make it strange. "Which shouldn't have been strange" would make more sense. Of course, the ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter hydro-alumuno Is this word made up? The spelling doesn't look right. Hydro-alumino would be more reasonable, but it would be better still without the -o at the end. Hydro-aluminate, perhaps? cable with fifty fiber optic threads inside it. What’s more, I’d fallen asleep three other times this past hour without ever once dreaming of cold or ice or fishing.Insert paragraph
I did not want to be out here. The “fishing hut” was a Super Quonset hemisphere a mile away and I’d have given half my outrageously over-paid hazard bonus to be inside right now, breathing [algae re-filtered-->algae-filtered] (as is, it sounds like "breathing algae") air and sipping a warm beer with John and Mack.
But here I was, out on the ice like an idiot, watching little red telltales for a bite of some kind way down below in that water.
I'm afraid this doesn't quite hook me, mostly because I don't know where he is (Europa?) or why he's there. The problem is that you tell us plainly that he's not on Earth, and then fail to follow it up. You might (if you don't want to try to fit all that into the first thirteen) neglect telling us that he's not on Earth. Then the questions don't arise until they're significant. For example, you could start with the little red telltales doing whatever he's waiting for them to do, and then make things clear as needed.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 10, 2008).]
posted
Introducing too many foreign concepts at once. It distracts me from the story. I'm too busy trying to picture this futuristic "whatever it is" and wondering exactly what he's doing to concentrate on the story itself.
My mind was busy wondering: hydro-alumuno => Some kind of futuristic aluminum designed for water efforts?
Why does it have fiber optic threads in it? Is it carrying data or light? Why do they need data or light down in the water?
What the heck is a "Super Quonset hemisphere"?
How exactly does "algae re-filtration" work? --------
I'm already lost on the story because my mind is trying to grasp all these new concepts in one paragraph.
[This message has been edited by kingtermite (edited February 11, 2008).]
posted
Super Quonset hemisphere = Quonset hut. Didn't come across I guess.
So, how's this?
I dreamed I was ice fishing back home. Which was strange because I never do that – dream about what I’m currently working on. You see, I was fishing at a hole in the ice. Of course, the ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter hydro-aluminate cable with fifty fiber optic threads. The “fishing hut” was a Super Q prefabricated hemisphere (suitable for landscapes with or without atmosphere) a mile away and right now I’d have given half my outrageously over-paid hazard bonus to be inside, sipping a warm beer with John and Mack. But here I was, out on the ice like an idiot, watching little green telltales for a bite of some kind way down below in Europa’s seas. Overhead Jupiter’s cold red eye stared at
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 11, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 11, 2008).]
posted
The writing is fine... for me it's the set up and the attitude that lacks a hook. I'm not drawn in by the ice fishing, or under water surveillance, or whatever. And this guy seems to have major 'tude. He seems like a rather unwilling, whiny hero, not one that I necessarily want to spend time with. If he's not going to take what he's doing seriously then why should I?
And I still don't get what he's doing there. Watching fish, but for what purpose?
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 11, 2008).]
posted
Still too many new/foreign concepts, I think. In one paragraph, there about 5 foreign concepts and 2 characters names (neither of which are POV character).
There's nothing wrong with all the concepts, but you are just trying to introduce them all too quickly, I think. And I still don't understand what he's doing there, what his kind of "fishing" is, why he's doing it, or anything about it. In fact, with all the new concepts, my mind is still wandering toward those and not even thinking about what he's doing there.
I agree with annepin about the guy's attitude. It doesn't make me care about him....doesn't make me want to know what happens to him next.
posted
Yeah, pretty much agree with what's been said so far. I like the general idea, some guy fishing on Europa sounds pretty cool to me, but why waste some of the valuable opening paragraph on this dream he had and how many times he's fallen asleep in the past hour? Or how far away his hut is? All this tells me is this guy is bored out of his mind fishing and tha if he wasn't there he's be sipping beer with these standard John and Mack types--nothing at all to pull me in there.
I'd like at least some hint of the wonder and the excitement to come by the end of that paragraph. Even in the second paragraph when we get a hint of excitement the MC is not bothered, hence the reader is not particularly bothered by the latest development either.
posted
The having the dream will be important later. So, here is another attempt carefully measured and fitted into the reply space.
I dreamed I was ice fishing back home. Which was strange. I never do that – dream about what I’m working on. You see, I was fishing at a hole in the ice. Only, this ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter cable with fiber optic threads inside running down to a probe at the end. Around me the thin air registered a balmy minus 270 degrees Fahrenheit while overhead Jupiter’s malevolent red eye glared at me. “Yeah,” I said. “The same to you, too.” And dialed up the heat for my feet. Here I was, out on the ice, watching a panel of little green telltales for some sign of life way down below in Europa’s seas. The radio crackled to life. “We have big fish incoming.” Oh, god. Suits from MarsCorp
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 11, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 11, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited February 11, 2008).]
posted
This latest version now has enough of a hook that I'd read on. However, the dream thing is confusing me in each version. "I dreamed I was ice fishing back home" makes me think he is currently in the process of dreaming this dream and he's semi-aware that he is dreaming. Yet the paragraph goes on to describe his current work and then go into some action, making me think that he isn't currently dreaming. Am I missing something or do you mean something like, "Last night, I dreamed I was ice fishing back home"?
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posted
Interesting. I never felt that confusion between dream and reality here--and yet I can absolutely see how it would arise. Yes, you should fix it. Probably put some reference to drifting off back in: "I dreamed--during the few minutes that I drifted off--that I was ice fishing. . . ," and then, "You see, I really was. . . ." Or something.
I'm a little puzzled by "Suits from MarsCorp". Is it that the suits aren't sufficiently effective because Europa is a lot colder? You might have the answer in the completion of the sentence, which would be good enough for that problem--but I also don't see why you're talking about it at all. If he(she?) is out there waiting for fish, I should think that the radio telling him that some big ones are on the way ought to focus his mind on his task, not make him go on about his suit.
I think the reason this doesn't have much hook for me at this point is that I've read enough other stories about whatever might be below the ice on Europa that the topic alone won't hook me. And if that's taken out, not much is left--someone sitting out in the cold, uncomfortable but in no apparent danger, occasionally drifting off.
The line: "Here I was . . . Europa's seas" is a very small info-dump, but it still feels like one because of its placement, right between "dialed up the heat for my feet" and "The radio crackled to life." It seems to have nothing to do with either sentence. You might want to move its two pieces of information ( 1) Europa, 2) watching for life ) up to the first paragraph where he's actually (with some reason) describing what he was doing and the circumstances under which he was doing it.
Definitely improved over the first version, though. And the writing itself is fine.
posted
ummm... the "suits" from MarsCorp and the "big fish" were supposed to be them talking about a team of accountants arriving to see why they're so much over budget.
The pov is one of three guys who've been out there doing boring research in the cold and isolation for two years.
Would it help if I either Capitalized the "Big Fish" or italicized it (put in all caps here since I cannot figure out how to indicate italics otherwise)?
I really like their referring to the bean counters (another term they use a few sentences down) that way. It feels to me that these particular three after being down there together so long would do that.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 12, 2008).]
posted
I dreamed I was ice fishing back on Earth. Second time it had happened in the past hour. Which was strange because I never do that – dream about what I’m doing. You see, I WAS fishing at a hole in the ice. Only, this ice was two miles thick while my fishing line was a six-inch diameter cable with a probe at the end. Around me the thin air registered a balmy minus 270 degrees Fahrenheit while overhead Jupiter’s malevolent red eye glared down. “Yeah, yeah,” I said to it. “The same to you, too.” And dialed up the heat in my boots. I’d already been out here for twenty straight hours and started to doze off again when the radio crackled to life. “We have Big Fish incoming.” Oh, god. Suits from MarsCorp. The long dreaded audit team. “Better haul that probe topside. They’ll be here in an hour.”
posted
I'm afraid I'm having far too much fun with this story. I enjoy playing with the attitudes of the characters. The three guys stuck down there in the cold for two years with only occasional trips up to Jupiter Station. The audit team of Mars-born humans working for MarsCorp who have their own hidden agenda. Martians -- humans born there -- would sue me for all the liberties I take with them. Stuck up snobs who think they can "handle" the cold.
It's just fun. A real fish story about the one that got away. I'll write something serious next.
posted
Yes, this would work once I get to "The long dreaded audit team." (Hyphenate "long-dreaded", by the way.) But--if it matters--I'm still going to think of the "Big Fish" as fish (since he's "fishing") and the "suits" as a reference to his suit (since he's just cranked up the heat in it) until the audit team is mentioned. It's only two lines, and I can handle it, but it WILL cause momentary confusion. Your call.
Italics are done similar to html: <i>This is italicized</i> in html. Here you substitute <> with []. It will look like this: This is italicized. When entering something in the textbox, look over on the left and click the *UBB Code is ON link to see the whole list.
A couple of other nits. "Which was strange because I never [do that – ]-->omit dream about what I’m doing." Also, I think you need a "had" before "started to doze off again".
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And the writing itself is fine.
