posted
I have struggled with this one because it involves getting so much info in to set the scene. I did a version before, but it was the wrong voice and didn't start in the right place...at the time i didn't have an ending..now I have, although this is WIP.
I drifted near her in the genesis vat and basked in her mind talk. None of the other protos could sense mind talk, not even her—I’d checked--but she was different from the rest. I called her Peace, because that is what she brought me. There was a splash—a sound much larger than any proto’s tail could make. My body tingled with fear and I stopped moving to listen—there was an unmistakable low hum--Catcher was in the vat. I fled to depths, my heart hammering. The last time Catcher found me it punched enhancement shards through my fetal skull and the memory of the pain was still fresh. With the shards came knowledge and the voice of Guider. It was Guider that spoke to me now. “Proto epsilon-six. You have been selected for interview.”
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 01, 2008).]
posted
I don't have time at the moment to do much more than read all the posts, so all I'll say here is that this is much improved. I know exactly as much as I need to, and want to know more enough to keep me reading.
Posts: 932 | Registered: Jul 2001
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I drifted near her in the genesis vat and basked in her mind talk. None of the other protos could sense mind talk, not even her—I’d checked--but she was different from the rest. I called her Peace, because that is what she brought me. There was a splash—a sound much larger than any proto’s tail could make. My body tingled with fear and I stopped moving to listen—there was an unmistakable low hum--Catcher was in the vat. I fled to the depths, my heart hammering. The memory of Catcher firing enhancement shards into my fetal skull was still painfully fresh. With the shards came knowledge and the voice of Guider. Guider spoke,“Proto epsilon-six. You have been selected for interview.” As I escaped through the darkness, I saw a flash of silver close behind.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 02, 2008).]
posted
Man, I didn't like the first and this ain't any better.
quote:I drifted near her in the genesis vat cliche and basked in her mind talk what is mind talk? How do you bask in it? How about where I could hear her thoughts cuts the confusion down. None of the other protos could sense mind talk again with the mind talk, >not even her—I’d checked--< cut all of this but she was different >from the rest< and this too. I called her Peace, because that is what she brought me. how sweet There was a splash—a sound >much< cut larger than any proto’s tail [is this what he is? This is unclear and confusing[/b]could make. >My body tingled with fear and< this telling and not showing I stopped moving to listen—there was an unmistakable low hum--Catcher was in the vat. I fled to the depths, my heart >hammering< this puts me in the mind set of pounding a nail. It doesn't work for me. The memory of Catcher firing enhancement shards into my fetal skull was still painfully fresh. sounds like an excessively violent way to treat a fetus. Why would they torture the unborn like this? With the shards came knowledge and the voice of Guider. Guider spoke,“Proto epsilon-six. You have been selected for interview.” As I escaped through the darkness, I saw a flash of silver close behind sounds like a bullet, and why is he in darkness now? Wouldn't a vat either have light or not? Where do these shadows come from.
I can't get a feeling of what you are trying to do here. Usually your 13 lines give me an idea on what your world is about. This is as cloudy as your 'genesis vat'.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited March 02, 2008).]
posted
I like it. I do think "mind talk" could be improved, it does come off as a little lame. What's wrong with something simple like "...basked in her thoughts." The opening could be made more poignant by cutting out words you don't need. Cut EBERY word not needed and this opening will have even more impact. Nice start.
Posts: 409 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I like the second one - Yeah, it's confusing, but it is so far removed from our reality that the confusion is good - it's sparking my interest and urging me to read on, not causing me to give up. Not everything needs to be 100% understood right from the start, or else it would be a boring information dump about what the vat is, what mind talk is, what everything IS... I would rather have this intro, than an intro filled with explanations.
One thing that tripped me up was the "escaping through the darkness" at the end. Our main proto had already fled to the depths when he realized Catcher was there, so this seems repetitive, to have him fleeing twice.
The splashing kind of slowed me down. Maybe you could say "There was a loud splash, louder than any proto's tail could make."
I'm not a pro with the use of dashes, but they seem overused here. I don't have any particular solution, though, but I did want to mention that I noticed them.
But good job in generating interest - It's a good hook for me.
posted
I like this version of the opening better than those in the previous post. I don't have anything new to add to what has already been said except:
In the previous openings, I've assumed the beings in the vat were humans, perhaps human clones being force-grown into maturity or something. Because of "proto’s tail" in this opening, I'm now assuming that they are immature fish or amphibians that are somehow (through enhancement shards) being given human-level thinking ability. I'd keep reading (i.e. you have me hooked). But if the story later reveals they really are human progeny, I'd be jerked out of the story and probably not bother to continue (I'll explain why if it's relevant).
posted
Mmm. Yes, explain please. These are actually bio-engineered proto's. Proto refers to the starting point on the road to full humanity (Title of story). So they have an immature human brain (enhanced) but they will never develop to look anything remotely like a human.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 03, 2008).]
posted
While I can't speak for Debbie, I can agree with her. I'd feel cheated if the creatures were human because right now you've created an alien world and creature in my mind. Right now, I'm willing to put up with the withholding because I assume I'm dealing with aliens. If I'm not I'm going to be annoyed. The fact that they are "mutated" or "underdeveloped" humans might save it depending on the execution.
My biggest gritch on this one is the withholding. It seems like you are holding back too much. A bit of mystery is okay. I can wait for explainations of the technobabble and "mind talk" I'll assume is telepathy until you tell me otherwise. But the switching topics between Peace and Catcher in the vat was jarring.
Would it work if you cut the reference to Peace for now?
posted
No, the mind-talk is identified by the association with Peace (a focus for the entire story). If I just stick it in without reference it will seem weird and dumpish. Catcher is in the vat because the-powers-that-be have identified strange brain waves from P-E-6, via the recently implanted shards (mind-talk--and yes, it's listening telepathy, not speaking). So all that has to happen before he is caught.
I am withholding nothing purposefully, but am, as mentioned on my first post, struggling to get enough info in early for it to make sense. Even the word 'proto' is meant to give you information in conjuction with the title.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 04, 2008).]
posted
I think you've done enough to establish the premise of the story, and to get us interested. The revision is better than a first, and it would definitely get me to turn the page. Maybe the entrance won't work for everyone, but no story ever works for everyone. And for me, your main character calling the female proto "Peace" was enough for me to think that the MC is human or at least human-like.
Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
Could you insert into the Peace section that since the incident with Catcher, PE6 had been able to hear her? Focus a bit more on them, and then end the 13 with the "PE6, you have been selected" . .. and PE6 being aware Catcher is in the vat and hiding from him?
That way for me at least the link between Peace and what comes next is a bit clearer and the memory of the enhancement shards being added would seem more natural.
posted
Okay, my explanation. kings_falcon hit upon the main reason I'd feel cheated if these are supposed to be humans (even if inexpertly made ones) from the very beginning. The beings are in a fluid-filled vat, have tails, and it seems to be implied that they couldn't think and weren't really self-aware until they received these enhancement shards. To me, all these things indicate an alien or non-human life form that's being manipulated.
This is further compounded by the fact that humans never have a tail or gills at any stage of their development. I know some of you may say you've heard otherwise, but the "humans go through the previous stages of evolution" belief was based on superficial appearances and Haeckel's manipulation of fetal development diagrams to make the fetus appear to fit this belief.
Modern studies have proven this belief incorrect. The "gill slits" are throat/pharyngeal pouches (they become germ-fighting organs, the middle ear canal, and the parathyroid and thymus glands) that have nothing to do with oxygen absorption. The "tail" is a series of bones that grow faster than other parts of the fetus and will provide muscle attachment sites. The "tail" never works like a fish tail; it's never used to move the fetus around.
Thus, science prevents me from accepting these protos as human fetuses, even man-made ones, because they are evidently breathing liquid and have fish-like tails used to move them around.
Hope this helped.
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited March 05, 2008).]
They have a human brain but their bodies are bio-engineered from stuff that is non-human (an alien/salamander mix for example). They will never develop into human while they remain in these bodies, because the bodies aren't human and never will be. Their brains and nervous systems are based on human nervous systems. There tails are more like a salamanders or other amphibian.
'Foetal' is a reference to the fact they are foetal forms not human foetal forms.
posted
I agree with a lot of what has been said. Although, I liked the term “mind talk.” Get rid of the dashes.
I think – for me – there is a problem. I see a large vat. Circular walls. Flat bottom. His escaping to the bottom works fine. But the “through the darkness” doesn’t. I can understand it might be deep enough to be darker at the bottom especially if this is not a clear liquid. However, having dived down to bottom, where else is there to go? Are there obstructions in the vat? I can’t imagine there are unless you detail some, maybe a filter or some kind, some pump, stuff like that or more imaginative but still understandable from a two or three word description.
One problem for me was that it seems from what you have written that all the protos of some age have thoughts. That’s what the pov is hearing, right? Where did they learn language, since he has a word for “peace” meaning a peaceful feeling? Are the others’ thoughts coming in words or images or just physical reactions? Is number six thinking in words and understanding them only because of the “enhancement?” You hint that this is so. Am I misunderstanding?
posted
If you need readers, I'm willing to have a look at your story.
I think you said these protos are not human or going to be human? But then why make me think that's what this is about with your title "Race to Humanity?"
posted
For me one of the pleasures of reading sci-fi is the sci-fi. I like to find out about technology and or/situations outside of my experience or imagination (not that I am incapable of imagining it, more that I never imagined it like the way the author did.)
I could sit here an explain all the questions regarding what is going on, but the alien-nature of the situation was, in itself, a hook, I hoped. Besides the rest of the story explains all that. Are they human, are they not? Why are they in the vat? Who is Guider; what is Catcher? Is the mind talk the same as Guider's voice? What have the shards done to the foetuses? What is a proto?
What the hell is going on?????!!!!
All of these questions are answered in the next 13 lines--it just wasn't possible to do everything in the first 13.
I did say that it was a struggle to set the scene in such an alien world without doing a dump.
Perhaps, I have failed. *sobs*
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 06, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited March 06, 2008).]
posted
I was hooked, and you are right. The fact that these questions are being asked, simply reveals that they were induced by this opening. The editor will also be asking the same questions and he/she will also turn the page. Good work.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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No, Adam, you haven't failed. As I said before, I would keep reading. What is happening is clear, even if I don't fully understand what I'm "seeing." I actually didn't have any problems with your last "first 13" revision, and my one concern turns out not to be a concern at all (i.e. the alien/salamander bodies with human brains is a satisfactory (for me) explanation based on the set-up).
I think if people read this in a magazine, they'd keep on reading instead of pausing to complain about "why?". It's just that we don't have the rest and, with something as different as this set-up is, the only recourse we have is to complain/question since we CAN'T read on to clear up those questions. Don't give up on it.
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Don't give up on it.
