posted
"What's a ward between brothers?" Desty asked. "Maxo, honestly, everyone just has to protect themselves. You do have wards up, don't you?" Max looked up at Desty in that fogged-over, but watchful way he had. He barely unbent from leaning over his desk, "Of course, some. Personal wards. I know you can't find one against you. That's why you bring it up, so?" "Right." Desty also looked over the walls, bare like skin as if in deliberate disguise, "You never know. Accident, compeller-spell, something could happen and you should be safe from me. I know you trust me; I know you keep your spare key under the shell out there. That's decent trust. "You know why wizards can't ever collaborate on magic? Maxo shook his head, It's the wards" ...
This is a story running about 3000 words. I've been told to expand the climactic sceene: I did a little, but would love input on that particular facet of the story from anyone open to reading the full manuscript. It's loosely urban fantasy, with specific literary reference in some the obscurer metaphors. I chose the metaphors that fit the picture in my head, so feel free to say if they did not help you that way (create an ambience).
I had feedback that the end is unsatisfying. If you can tell me if you agree, and more about why that is, it would help me a lot, to start rethinking it.
posted
One thing to consider when told that an ending is unsatisfying is the question of what exactly the beginning seems to promise about the ending.
OSC's M.I.C.E. discussion in his book, HOW TO WRITE SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY, where he talks about structure and how the kind of story you are writing determines how you begin it as well as how you end it, may also be of help.
posted
Your mss arrived okay but the email address for reply is messed up. Could you send me another email with your address in the message, please?
thanks, arriki
I think -- my opinion, remember -- is that you open promising a story of Desty's discovery but don't focus on that. The elements of that storyline are incomplete and so the ending ending doesn't work. Is this the story of Desty's Discovery about how limiting wards are? Or is this the story of Max's Sacrifice?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 18, 2008).]
posted
Two quick things about the lines you have. One: Maybe I didn't understand but the phrase "bare like skin as if in deliberate disguise" doesn't make any sense, mostly because of the "bare like skin." Is the skin bare--unclothed--or is it like a bear, the animal? I'm sensing that some puntcuation is missing. The whole phrase could be describing the walls themselves as bare. It's too ambiguous.
bare, like skin, as if in deliberate disguise
bear-like skin, " " "
Two: Unbent. The phrase "He barely unbent from leaning over his desk" is awkward. Though unbent is a verb, its coupling with leaning over is too confusing. Perhaps "He barely straightened from leaning over his desk." Then we have a positive correlating a negative, balancing out our ideas in the sentence, reinforcing our dominant impression.
As for the story, I'll read it if I have time over my upcoming vacation.
Turns out well? Not for all of the characters. And sounds like it may not be quite delivering on the premise, though I need to look at just what the premise is now.
I'll send it and you can get to it if it looks like you have time and it sounds like it's going to be okay.
ETA: thanks for the phrasing notes, by the way.
[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited March 18, 2008).]
posted
"One thing to consider when told that an ending is unsatisfying is the question of what exactly the beginning seems to promise about the ending.
OSC's M.I.C.E. discussion in his book, HOW TO WRITE SCIENCE FICTION AND FANTASY, where he talks about structure and how the kind of story you are writing determines how you begin it as well as how you end it, may also be of help. "
I have read How To Write Science Fiction and Fantasy, and did find that concept fascinating. I can't always spot these things on my own though, which is why I was posing the question in general here; obviously I was missing something.
According to Arriki, the question is very different from what I came to the story with, so I definitely need to re-evaluate that. Desty's Discovery does not ring any bells for me. It's Maxo's Principle that I was writing around.
Why, oh why is it so hard to tell the story inside your head? Heh...
posted
The matter of wards holding back work/communication between wizards seems to be the matter brought up in the opening. That is Max's idea but the story at the end seems to be Desty's discovery of the truth of that. Max's part in that gets derailed with all the story events about his conflict and self-sacrifice dealing with Cinna, an entirely different plotline.
Discovery and Sacrifice are very different plots. You seem to be trying to have both here.
Of course, that's just how I'm seeing the story as written. Others may differ in their opinions.
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