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Author Topic: The way things are
Darth Petra
Member # 7126

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Mayell was a human child who lived on a farm. She was young, still, barely weaned from her mother. But she came from a fine line, and Farmer Orville knew hed get a good deal of money for her.
Orville was a good farmer. Being a golden retriver, he was reliable, kind-hearted, and trustworthy. He raised his humans well. He never beat or ill-used them. They was always enough to eat. They were groomed and washed with regularity. They lived happily, until they were sent to the slaughterhouses. But that only happened to the humans raised for meat. The others- raised for hair, milk, or labor often lived happily until the end of their life. Orville even had several racing humans- they were among the fastest ever raced.

I know it's lousy so far. I just had a random burst of creativity...and I was thinking about "The Jungle" and "Animal Farm", at the same time, merged them, and this is what I'm comming up with.

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Sara Genge
Member # 3468

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The idea behind this is very cool, but you're starting with a resume, not a scene. I recomend you rewrite this into a scene.

Sometimes, thinking in "scenes" when one is thinking in "story" or "plot" is hard to do. What I do is I envision my character doing something that they do every day. Except that today is special. Today is the day in which the Big Thing happens that starts your story. That usually helps me find and write a good scene.

Hope that helped.

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Bent Tree
Member # 7777

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You had me until I saw humans raised for milk. Not the most productive milkers

This feels like an outline. Good start. Gotta know the story you want to tell though.

Could be amusing!

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Darth Petra
Member # 7126

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Thanks, guys. I knew it wasn't really a narrative. For now, it's just an idea. We'll see how it matures.
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Member # 7833

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I like the voice of this narrator... it is an authoratative and trustworthy voice. The only problem is that it is too telling too soon. Maybe you leave some details out for awhile... you could do that by sticking with Mayell a little longer. What does she observe? What makes her special among the livestock? You can reveal the identity of the farmer later.
This is a perfectly creative story idea... but how long do you plan to make it? The length will greatly dictate your pacing.

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Member # 5058

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Um, why would dogs raise humans for their hair? Maybe I'm missing something since I don't spend a lot of time with dogs.

Also, since humans are not known to be docile and are bigger than most dogs, how can this realistically work? Humans can raise dangerous animals (and breed the fight out of many of them) because we can build cages, attach chains, and use prods and other tools. A dog might have his bite, but that isn't enough.

Also, I'm wondering how Mayell will make him a lot of money. You never say, though you go into a list of what humans are raised for.

[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited April 12, 2008).]

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