posted
First, the obligatory warning: This story contains a couple of graphically violent/grotesque scenes. Theres nothing bad in the first thirteen, but I am mainly looking for volunteers to read it all. However, feel free to comment upon the first 13 if you are comfortable with the fact that I will most likely respond to and ask questions about your comments (but you of course are not obliged to respond to the responses.) Genre: Not sure really. Fantasy/horror? Length: A little under 3k. Status: Finished, but always looking to improve.
Estellia walked disconsolate through the mechanized landscape of buildings and factories. She hated it here. She hated the smoke and rust and metal, and the grinding of machines. She had come to find work, but truthfully, she wanted to leave the land of Yesdia and its mechanical magic behind her, and go to one of the other countries like Zelania or Hasid where there were still trees and animals and clean air. But for now at least, she was stuck. She didn’t have the means to travel elsewhere; at present, she didn’t even have the means to survive here. And so, she roamed the complex of decaying metal and concrete, hoping to find work in one of the megalithic factories.
posted
She hated the smoke and rust and metal, and the grinding of machines. It seems like there are too many 'ands' in this sentence. I would try something like: She hated the smoke, the rust, and the metal, the grinding of machines.
She had come to find work, but truthfully, she wanted to leave the land of Yesdia and its mechanical magic behind her, and go to one of the other countries like Zelania or Hasid where there were still trees and animals and clean air. You can omit the 'but truthfully' and this sentence seems a little long, you could break it up into two.
She didn’t have the means to travel elsewhere; at present, she didn’t even have the means to survive here. Again you can omit the 'at present'
And so, she roamed the complex of decaying metal and concrete, hoping to find work in one of the megalithic factories. I generally try to avoid starting sentences with 'and.' Instead of 'and' you could try 'With nothing else to do...
[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited April 20, 2008).]
quote:She hated the smoke and rust and metal, and the grinding of machines. <b> It seems like there are too many 'ands' in this sentence. I would try something like: She hated the smoke, the rust, and the metal, the grinding of machines.
Yea I know...I do that a lot in this one. It sort of fits the style I'm going for. Is it really bad though? I mean does it shake up the reading? If it'd work as an overall style thing I'll keep it, but if folks think it doesnt work I'll try to smooth it out.
posted
Estellia walked disconsolate through the mechanized landscape of buildings and factories. I like the sentence, it sounds right, but it's phrased a little wierdly. Normally, one would walk disconsolately not disconsolate. Also on the intellectual level: Aren't factories buildings?
She hated it here. She hated the smoke and rust and metal, and the grinding of machines. She had come to find work, but truthfully, she wanted to leave the land of Yesdia and its mechanical magic behind her, and go to one of the other countries like Zelania or Hasid where there were still trees and animals and clean air.
I agree that the last sentence is too long. The truthfully isn't really working for you either. Obviously I haven't read the story, but this may be a good time to mention where she is from originally. Let's say she's from Zelania, it sounds much better if she is pining for her homeland (and its pines!) then just vaguely wishing she was somewhere else. It certainly sounds like she is not a native of Zelania
But for now at least, she was stuck. She didn’t have the means to travel elsewhere; at present, she didn’t even have the means to survive here. And so, she roamed the complex of decaying metal and concrete, hoping to find work in one of the megalithic factories.
Edit: Oh, and I wouldn't mind reading it if you'd send it along.
[This message has been edited by smncameron (edited April 22, 2008).]
posted
I think it was fine without the comma's, and I actitually think the commas make it harder to read. No doubt other opinions will differ. I like this opening and would be glad to read the whole thing, though I might be a bit slow. Jon. Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2007
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quote: Estellia walked disconsolate through the [mechanized landscape<--[How is this different form this?]-->of buildings and factories]. [She hated it here<--[Don't need this, and it's repeated during the next sentence.]. She hated the smoke and rust and metal[,<--[I would use an em dash here "--" because the following is an afterthought. However, I don't mind the "ands" for this one sentence. it's in keeping with Deep-Penetration PoV.] and the grinding of machines. She had come to find work, but truthfully, she wanted to leave [the land of <--[Cut.] Yesdia and its mechanical magic behind [.] [her, and go to one of the <--[IMHO replace this with: She dreamed of]other countries like Zelania or Hasid[,] where there were still trees[,] [and<--Cut.] animals and clean air. But [for now<--[Choose one]-->at least], she was stuck. She didn’t have the means to [survive] [elsewhere; at present, she didn’t even have<--[IMHO replace with something like: let alone] the means to [travel]. [And so, she roamed the complex of decaying metal and concrete, hoping to find work in one of the megalithic factories.<--[Redundant to the beginning, making this--for the most part--an info-dump.]
The voice sets well the depressing (oppressive?) tone. The PoV is solid, if the prose needs a little cleaning (as do most of ours ), and I know that she's a dreamer. That's all to your credit.
However, the biggest problem is the why. Why does this story need to be told? What's going to happen to her to change her drab life? Are bombers from Zelania or Hasid even now approaching? Does she see them, while everyone else is toiling at their monotonous jobs? Does she know that she has to warn them, before their taken unaware? The hook--that promise of conflict--is what's missing.
If your story is good, worthy of telling, you won't have to withhold any of that. Unless it's a mystery--which the setup is all wrong for--then what's going to happen?/whodunnit? is withholding (which cheats the reader, possibly at the cost of publication.)
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 23, 2008).]
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Hmmm. This highlights something I've been thinking of almost since I got here.
I think I have trouble thinking in "hook" terms. For me, personally, what will draw me into a story and decide wether I read it or not is primarily the subject matter...whether or not its about something I want to read about.
"Hooks" generally go right past me, since no amount of hooking is going to do the trick if it doesnt seem like something I'd be interested in.
Hmm...perhaps I should start a thread about reading habbits..
Thanks for all the suggestions so far though...some of the things mentioned are intentional, but i can see where some things might be tweaked..
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A new version of the first 13. I moved at least one passage to a little later, and tried to add more about the character. Hopefully its not to info-dumpy.
Estellia walked disconsolate through the mechanized landscape of warehouses, tenements and factories. She hated it here, hated the smoke, rust, and metal, the grinding of machines. She had come to find work, but she wanted to leave the land of Yesidria and its mechanical magic behind her. She longed to go to one of the other countries like Zelania or Hasid where there were still trees, animals and clean air. However, for the time being, she lacked the means to go anywhere else-or even to survive here-and so she was stuck. Estellia was young yet, but the sooty darkness of this place, its dirty concrete and rusted metal made her feel old some times. Her will and her spirit were strong though, and she fought within herself not to let her surroundings seep into her heart.
posted
Estellia walked disconsolate through the mechanized landscape of warehouses, tenements and factories. this doesn't feel like a specific walk on a specific day. No detail. She hated it here, hated the smoke, rust, and metal, the grinding of machines. Solid reaction, and I like the rewrite She had come to find work, but she wanted to leave the land of Yesidria and its mechanical magic behind her. at this point, I'm hoping for show, rather than tell -- could we see her ask for a job, or reject a job that's just too soul sucking? and where did she come from, that's so different? a flash back memory, perhaps? She longed to go to one of the other countries like Zelania or Hasid where there were still trees, animals and clean air. However, for the time being, she lacked the means to go anywhere else-or even to survive here-and so she was stuck. does she long for different geography, or can we get a sensory image of what she misses? the sound of wind in the trees, the smell of sun dried sheets, the soft coats of wooly lambs? Estellia was young yet, but the sooty darkness of this place, its dirty concrete and rusted metal made her feel old some times. Her will and her spirit were strong though, and she fought within herself not to let her surroundings seep into her heart.
You establish Estellia's depressed mood very well with the environment described -- You don't actually need this much text to establish the situtation -- young girl stuck in dreary city dreams of a better place. Being more specific will help, I think. What, exactly, does she want? For example, say, Bus fare to XYZ.(or whatever is in the story) What's opposing that goal? She has no factory skills, or work permit, or they arrest panhandlers
posted
Thats promising then...it seems the only thing left is the lack of knowing specifically what she is after etc...but, I think there is conflict and interest enough to draw attention in the first 13, dont you? Most of the issues now being raised will quickly become irrelevent beyond the begining...whatever plans she may have get cut short rather quickly.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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), and I know that she's a dreamer. That's all to your credit.
