Here's something I wrote a while back, and rediscovered today, and thought it deserved a second chance It's kind of dark (most of my stuff is...) and structurally it's a bit experimental.
Now that I've put most of you off, here's the first 13!
Around her, Mia’s home was coming apart. Upon the walls, most of the wallpaper had long since turned to sludge and slid to the floor. The carpet, where she had walked, was gone entirely; the exposed floorboards beneath were soft and eaten through by worms. The vacant shop below was visible through holes in the wood. In the living room, the television was caught in the act of falling from the stone plinth in the corner. Its casing had melted at some point, and assumed a shape more biological than polymeric; glass was splintered and scattered upon the floor like frozen tears. There had once been a coffee table in this room, but that now was a
As usual, any and all comments are welcomed, and readers for the whole thing will earn themselves a beer at my expense!
posted
This sounded a little too distant for my taste.
That first sentence, short as it is and given its own paragraph needs to be stronger, punchier but that word "coming" weakens it too much and tells us nothing. The house was coming apart could mean anything, the house could be being extravagantly ripped apart around her ears even as she stands amongst the carnage, or it could be slowly deteriorating through long years of neglect. Also, I have no idea why the house is coming apart. So after that first paragraph I'm none the wiser about any of this.
A few more nits:
The carpet, where she had walked, "where she had walked" is redundant as we know its her house.
In the living room, the television was caught in the act of falling from the stone plinth in the corner. I was a little confused by this, caught in the act by what? I think the following sentence suggests that the tv has melted in some fire so I think this opening could live without this sentence and you might be better off starting this paragraph with "The televisions casing..."
glass was splintered and scattered upon the floor like frozen tears. very nice
By the end of the first 13 I was feeling a little wearied by all the description with no explanation of why or any hint of character. Maybe show us a little more Mia, about how she feels about the sight of her home coming apart? Or maybe give us more of a hint of how this has come apart. If there has been a fire maybe show us more effects of the fire...just something to give the reader a hint of the story to come.
I'll be happy to read the rest if you like
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited May 12, 2008).]
posted
Hi, this is my first stab at this, so I hope it's helpful.
Around her, Mia’s home was coming apart. (Nice start.)
Upon the walls, most of the wallpaper had long since turned to sludge and slid to the floor. ("Upon" seems a bit ponderous. I think you can just drop the whole phrase and start with "Most")
The carpet, where she had walked, was gone entirely; the exposed floorboards beneath were soft and eaten through by worms. (I assume you mean the high-traffic areas. Try reversing the structure - The old worn areas of the carpet were now gone entirely. I'm leery of semicolons. I'd make it 2 sentences)
The vacant shop below was visible through holes in the wood. (OK)
In the living room, the television was caught in the act of falling from the stone plinth in the corner. Its casing had melted at some point, and assumed a shape more biological than polymeric; glass was splintered and scattered upon the floor like frozen tears. (I think we need a hint as to the causes before this description. Is it caught in time? Is it anchored by cobwebs? Melted by toxic waste? "Stone plinth"? In the living room? Now you've got me wondering if that's what you meant. Plinth gives it a certain flavor that doesn't seen to go with modern.)
Perhaps you could have Mia experience the falling apart a bit, to break the exposition.
posted
I like it. I agree with most of what Gardener said, but I wouldn't have thought of it on my own. My first reaction was "Very cool."
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posted
I think this is a cool, interesting opening, and sets up an intriguing premise, but the description went just a little too long. I got the idea after the second paragraph. By the third, I wanted to know where Mia was, and what she was doing while her home was falling apart. Is she watching this? Is she off cavorting in her boyfriend's apartment while her faithful house slowly rots? Is she locked away in cryo-storage somewhere? You get the idea.
How many words is it? If it's not too much (say around 5,000) and you're patient I could promise to have it done by the end of the weekend. Send it along. And I'll be checking my post box for my beer delivery!
posted
For a story that only takes 1,300 words, this sure does take a long slow time about doing anything. One of the pace-killers that I can see if a fair bit of redundancy. For example...
1. We all assume that wallpaper goes on the walls. 2. We all assume that carpet is meant to be trod on. 3. The TV case is biological rather than polymeric - the glass form the tube resembles frozen teardrops. Twice now you've hit me with the same imagery stick.
You know, what I want to know from reading this isn't what is causing the house to come apart. I don't want to know why the house is coming apart, or even who is causing the house to come apart. I want to meet Mia, and I want to know what she feels about the house coming apart. This is Mia's story - let her play a role in it.
If you'd like another reader, I could probably get it finished by Sunday.
posted
Interesting contrast, as I feel almost exactly the oposite. I'm more interested in the how and the why of the house falling apart, in the end. I found the begining quite interesting.
I think this is an example in action of how important target audience is.
You still need to send this off to me, by the way Paul :-)
posted
I agree with much of what has already been said. What struck me was that while this character is walking across a soft, rotting floor complete with worm holes through which she can see the room below - she apparently thinks nothing of this - unaware the floor itself could collapse at any moment.
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Firstly, apologies for not replying to anybody sooner; I had the chance to get away for a couple of days, so I've been exploring the desolate, windblown peaks of the English Lake District -- the same landscape that inspired the likes of Byron and Shelley, Wordsworth, and perhaps most of all Coleridge...though he spent a good deal of his time there throwing himself from the mountains, in full expectation that his enormous intellect (and, possibly, enormous doses of laudanum) would prevent him from being killed. It seemed to work, though I didn't try it myself.
Anyway, thanks so much for your generous comments all! Those who've said that there's too much description before we meet Mia are quite right. This piece was originally written, some time ago, for a 'literary' writing group that I was a part of. The original intention was to create a kind of prose poem, where the focus was on language and image rather than plot or character. Of course, as a lifelong fan of spec fiction, I couldn't resist doing something in that vein (yes, it is there, eventually!) and this was the result. It garnered great praise from the literary types, but I am particularly interested to receive the comments of people like myself, which is to say, those who read (and love!) 'genre' fiction. In fairness, the story is not aimed at the commercial end of publishing, and so, perhaps, it doesn't really deserve to be on Hatrack, but it is speculative, and it is written to the best of my ability (or the best of my ability ten years ago!)
For those who are still happy to read it, I'll mail it Friday evening (GMT ).
quote: And I'll be checking my post box for my beer delivery!
Anne, the bottle's in the mail!
quote: I think this is an example in action of how important target audience is.
Merlion, I think that's a pretty astute observation
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It's kind of dark (most of my stuff is...) and structurally it's a bit experimental.
