posted
I like the idea of interstellar junk traders and you paint a vivid image. While there's no clear hook in terms of conflict or problem, the ideas are hook enough for me to read on.
I did feel there were too many adjectives, adverbs and qualifying phrases, which made it a bit of a challenge to digest. I had to re-read one or two bits to absorb it all.
A nit: I understand what you're trying to say and she sounds utterly delightful, but I don't think skin "adorns" one. Maybe just, "the way the metal transitioned into her perfect skin." I think we can assume it covers her mostly.
posted
I like the idea, I'm just finding it too populated by adjectives. Everything is detailed and described. I'd like to see the sentences reading more smoothly.
Posts: 16 | Registered: May 2008
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I will sepparate from the opinion that their are two many adjectives. With the exception of this line.
quote:Shiny plates covered advanced robotics technology on the lower half of her legs like skin-tight boots and they glinted silvery in the bright beams from the overhead lights
This is the only line that snagged me. I remember the first half of that sentence snagging me last time. I think that it would be more effective to throw in some dialogue here.
This line doesn't really convey a clear image, I think it would be better to if we heard this rather than saw it.
If you hear anymore comments on adjectives, submit this to Analog This issue had a story so flowery with adjectives, I forgot what was being described.
[This message has been edited by The divine ruler of Isthasn (edited May 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited May 15, 2008).]
posted
This must be one of those synergy things you hear about from time to time. Or was that serendipity? Anyways, I remember reading your earlier draft and thinking to myself that looks interesting, I wish I had time to crit. Well, your new draft looks even more interesting, and now I do have time to crit, if you'd like to send it my way.
Posts: 171 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
I'd be interested in reading, the ideas are good. I like the vivid picture that you put in my head.
But I would agree with everyone else that there are too many adjectives: makes the reading kind of bumpy. You could also look at removing the "as" from your first sentence and making it into to, just to make the writing clearer/more easy to read.
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