posted
Looking for readers for this short story of mine. First 13 follow:
The reflection in Delphi’s glass entry door betrayed to Dorian his graying hair. He felt even older when he opened the door and saw the hooded man standing on the other side. The defined face with the knowing smile, the closely cropped hair, the confident stance that almost concealed the gun at his waist: all indicated this was a man to be reckoned with.
“A little late in the evening for a prophesy, isn’t it?” he asked as the man entered the temple. Rarely was Dorian woken by such requests in the middle of the night; rarer, he noted, finally fully awake, was the absence of his wife. He vaguely remembered her not being in bed when the bell had woken him.
quote:The reflection in Delphi’s glass entry door betrayed to [I think 'betrayed Dorian's graying hair' is all you need here]Dorian his graying hair.
I'll take a look.
They two paragraphs seemed disjoined to me. It seems he was got up from bed and so there would be some urgency. I don't see why he would take the time to notice his gray. This seems something that would happen when shaving or something, especially since he was so out of it he is just rememnering that his wife wasn't in the bed with him.
I could be alone in this opinion.
Otherwise, It seemed to stri my interest. Send it along if you want.
posted
The gun indicating "this was a man to be reckoned with" seems almost like comic understatement, which I don't think is the desired effect. (If it is, please forgive my bad sense of humor)
posted
At first I thought Dorian was the visitor, not the resident. The line "man standing on the other side" could be changed to "man standing on the porch" or "outside".
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