posted
There is a fable of a lion and a mouse. The lion doubts the mouse has a use until he needs a thorn pulled out of his paw. There is a fable about a crow and the fox. The fox uses the crow’s vanity to trick the crow into dropping some cheese so the fox can eat it. The moral of the first is: Do not judge people’s usefulness by their appearance. The moral of the second is: Vanity is expensive. This story is neither of those stories. This story has no moral. This is the story of two men: neither is without fault; neither is without virtue. Gregory kicked the flanks of his horse so it would
NB Revised version below
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited August 13, 2008).]
posted
This didn't do it for me at all. Maybe this is a snapshot that doesn't accurately portray the story that follows, but this seems to me that the narrator is telling me why I should not read this story.
I am not trying to be negative here, and I think this falls into a situation where the narration in the first thirteen doesn't really match that of the actual body of the story. I have written two like that. I would imagine if you posted the next thirteen, no one would be able to tell it was the same piece, am I right?
The opening didn't hook me and I suspect the story really starts when you say "Gregory kicked the flanks of his horse so it would.."
The opening lines simply struck me as presenting information (i.e. whatever point you wanted to make through the themes of the story) which we should be able to figure out from reading the story itself.
I hate to suggest completely chucking hard-won words, but I think the story would probably be better served without the opening. As always, please take my advice with some large chunks of salt.
posted
I concurr with what has already been stated.
As it stands, everything before "Gergory kicked the flanks" is fodder - Words without meaning. Unless this story surrounds the price of vanity and the abilities to perform by an otherwise overlooked person, I would suggest trashing it. IF it DOES encircle these things, Maybe work it in as a quote or something BEFORE the story starts - though your line "This story is neither of those stories" says it doesn't.
posted
I agree, recounting the fables does not work at the beginning. It could, if it was a more exciting retelling, but I think it would work better if you jump into the action and then maybe lace the fables throughout the piece. Perhaps, start the story and then at the beginning of chapter two mention the lion and the mouse (as a quote?) and then at the beginning of chapter three mention the crow and the fox (in the same fashion as the first two). Or consider this: ch.1 - use part of the lion/mouse fable at the beginning as an italicized quote; ch.2 use part of the crow/fox fable at the beginning as an italicized quote; ch.3 continue from where you left off with the lion/mouse fable at the beginning as an italicized quote; ch.4...you get the point. Right now, especially because you mention their is no moral in this story (which I don't think has to be said, the reader will find that out on their own), then it seems very confusing for you to mention two stories with morals and make us think that there is connection while telling us there isn't...am I making sense? I feel like I've run my thinking into a circle now... Overall, I think it would be intriguing to utilize the fables, you just have to find an interesting way to do it, so your story may be enhanced instead of weakened.
[This message has been edited by innesjen (edited July 16, 2008).]
posted
Also, as an after thought, the line: "This is the story of two men: neither is without fault; neither is without virtue." could make an interesting final line to the story. Posts: 72 | Registered: Aug 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hm... I actually liked the references to the fables. What didn't work for me was that suddenly we're told that this story like those. That's akin to saying, A banana is yellow. An apple is green. This fruit is neither a banana or an apple.
Okay, so that doesn't really tell me anything. Instead, I feel kind of lied to, though not directly. Why did I bother reading through all that?
However, I think the title would keep me reading for at least another page. Why? Because it suggests this story _is_, in fact, about a fable, that there _is_ a moral to it, and hopefully it will be well disguised and tricksy and entertaining, and not heavy handed, and done without the knowledge of the two men involved.
posted
I think you have to give the reader credence for figuring things out for himself(or herself). If the story goes on to refer back to these fables, the fables should be brought out as the story goes along and not dumped all at once at the beginning like a lecture that is self evident.
I was much more interested in your final line "Gregory kicked the flanks of his horse so it would..." and where it would lead more than the rest. I felt very much like skipping everything before that and getting atraight to the heart of the story.
posted
Ok, finished the story and redid the start slightly. Improvement? Anyone want to read the whole thing it's 5,370.
There is a fable of a lion and a mouse. The lion doubts the mouse has a use until he needs a thorn pulled out of his paw. There is a fable about a crow and the fox. The fox uses the crow’s vanity to trick the crow into dropping some cheese so the fox can eat it. The moral of the first is: underestimate people due to their appearance. The moral of the second is: Vanity is expensive. Gregory kicked the flanks of his horse so it would move. It reluctantly obeyed its master; clearly the smell of blood in its nostrils was causing it fear and discomfort. Gregory did not care. A horse was a horse. The corpses littered on the cracked ground had once been men,
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited August 13, 2008).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
