posted
A human being named the City of Lost Angels, making a pun on the name of a city on Old Earth. The Ascorlabians didn’t get the joke, but they liked the name, so they kept it. I know this city the way I know the loose tooth in my lower jaw. In some ways, the city is a lot like the tooth. It annoys the hell out of me, but I’ll miss it when it’s gone. The door to my office has a translucent window of pebbled glass on which is written, “John Hart, Native Guide”. That’s a joke, too. Anybody looking at me can see I’m not a native of this planet. The guy who looks out of my bathroom mirror in the morning is five foot seven, a Roman nose, dark hair, pale blue eyes, and a worried expression, like he’s afraid he’ll cut himself shaving.
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It's fine, but I stumbled a bit at the beginning. I wasn't clear what was being named, was the human being naming (it) [a city] the city of lost angels, or was that his name? Hard to tell from the first sentence alone. It reads strangely.
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A human being named the City of Lost Angels, making a pun on the name of a city on Old Earth. This is confusing, and sounds like a person is named "The city of lost angels". You could probably just reorder it like this: "The City of Lost Angels was named by a human; making a pun on the name of a city..."
The Ascorlabians didn’t get the joke, but they liked the name, so they kept it. Nice
I know this city the way I know the loose tooth in my lower jaw. In some ways, the city is a lot like the tooth. It annoys the hell out of me, but I’ll miss it when it’s gone.This tastes pulpy and irreverent, hopefully that's what you're going for.
The door to my office has a translucent window of pebbled glass on which is written, “John Hart, Native Guide”. That’s a joke, too. Anybody looking at me can see I’m not a native of this planet.Nice
The guy who looks out of my bathroom mirror in the morning is five foot seven, a Roman nose, dark hair, pale blue eyes, and a worried expression, like he’s afraid he’ll cut himself shaving.I know how hard it is to get a description of the 1st person POV character. You may be able to get away with this because of the world-weary detective vibe you got going, but I think you'd be better served to find another character to slip in descriptions of your POV character.
I'm not sure what the hook is, other than style. I can't find any conflict or change hinted or happening.
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Many thanks to those of you who caught the way the first sentence could be misread. That kind of thing is a killer, and hard as hell for the author to spot, because I know how the sentence is 'sposed to be read.
As for the hook, in the next sentence a beautiful girl walks through the door and asks for his help.
As some of you no doubt guessed, I've been reading Raymond Chandler.
What do you think of Ascorlabi for the people of Ascorlab. I think I like that better than Ascorlabians.
[This message has been edited by Rick Norwood (edited July 23, 2008).]
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Overall, I like it. I agree with the comments about the first line. I think alliedfive's suggestion is good. The last line sounds too much like an info dump. There is not enough personality in the sentence so it sounds out of place. How about something like:
The guy who looks out of my bathroom mirror in the morning is, at five foot seven, too short. He has a Roman nose, dark hair, washed out blue eyes, dark stubble of a beard and a worried expression, like he’s afraid he’ll cut himself shaving.
Of course you have to decide what attitude to interject. Let us know what he is thinking about the guy who looks out of the mirror at him.
I like it. It interests me enough to keep reading even without an obvious hook.
[This message has been edited by Coyotespirit (edited July 27, 2008).]
posted
Changing "the" to "it" in the first line fixes that problem, but I'm not sure the pun stands on its own. Do your aliens have wings? Is the city a bordertown-type place, with an overabundance of human missionaries? Is there some sort of beautiful geography? Maybe it works fine and I'm the only one scratching my head.
I don't like "human being" rather than simply "human". Economy of words.
Not getting the joke and keeping the name is fun.
I also favor the the shorter name for the aliens.
I don't like the loose tooth analogy. It's the first detail about your character, and if it isn't going to be important then its in the wrong place.
The self-description is the weakest part of the piece, taking the reader completely out of the story. While I'm not sure a description of your narrator is particularly important, and certainly not beyond a salient detail or two, if you're determined to work it there are better ways.
By way of a hack job example:
"Anybody looking at me can see I’m not a native. At five-seven I'm at least two feet shorter than anyone else on this planet. Good thing I always liked tall women."
Looking back my post seems a bit harsh. I actually like the feel of the piece, which is hard to quantify or explain, but I think the premise has promise, and I hope you stick with it.
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