posted
On of my buddies who is a cook for my unit asked me to post this a few months ago.
Needless to say I forgot until I found the folder I put it in.
(THIS IS NOT MY WORK) I am doing this out of kindness.
i think this is 13 lines.
The time was now, the place could be no were else. I have to stop him here. If I fail, this world loses as well. He smiles down at me, that insidious smile he has. He is so full of him self, thinking he has got us cornered. And that damn smile! Those pointed teeth, the vile greenish-yellow teeth, shine with the brimstone fire burning in his body, his soul. He still hides behind that hood; all I see is the green glowing eyes, the dark robe he wears, and that horrible smile. He floats on the broken fragments of the planets crust, just a few yards above us. And he laughs.
“YOU STILL THINK I CAN BE BEATEN SO EASILY?” the insidious being smirks while he talks. His strong, thick tail swings out from under the back of his robes, and his solid clawed feet
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 31, 2008).]
quote:The time was now, the place could be no were else. I have to stop him here.[[I must stop him here and now]] If I fail, this world loses[/][[loses what?[/]]] as well. He smiles down at me, that insidious smile he has. He is so full of[b] him self[[himself]]], thinking he has got[[[i]cut]] us cornered. And that damn smile! Those pointed teeth, the vile greenish-yellow teeth, shine with the brimstone fire burning in his body, his soul. He still hides behind that hood; all I see is the green glowing eyes, the dark robe he wears, and that horrible smile. He floats on the broken fragments of the planets[[planet's]] crust, just a few yards above us. And he laughs.
“YOU STILL THINK I CAN BE BEATEN SO EASILY?”[[why all caps? just attribute he yelled tag]] the insidious being smirks while he talks. His strong, thick tail swings out from under the back of his robes, and his solid clawed feet
I kinda like the directness of the viewpoint here, but I don't like the present tense. Much of this is rather wordy and unweildy. I would cut and add some more detail and refrain from some of the repetition. It seems here that we didn't get a really good introduction to the main character. I feel you could add some more characterization rather than painting so much of the antagonist.
posted
This appears to be a confrontation with a demon of some kind? I think I need a bit more context here. I feel like I stumbled into the climax. However, I like the voice of the character.
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posted
The writing reminds me of someone recounting a vision or a dream to another person (I suppose that's the present tense).
The point at which we enter the story leads me to believe there's either going to be a massive info dump shortly after the first 13, or we're going to cut away to a flashback. Neither proposition has me excited about continuing.
The writing itself I actually kind of like, if it were recounting of a vision or a dream to someone else a bit later in the story. Reading it as first person narrative prose, whoever, I get distracted by some of the phrasing and agree with Bent Tree and annepin on their points.
[This message has been edited by Khalan (edited August 01, 2008).]
You said you would forward our comments but you may not want to do this one. If your friend was going for an overwritten comedy than he hit his mark.
quote:The time was now, the place could be no >were< [ oopsy forgot an H] else. I have to stop him here.[How pulpy can you get? The mysterious villian, up to no good] If I fail, this world loses as well.[cue music - Ba, ba, baa!] He smiles down at me, that insidious smile [Not the insidious smile!?! He MUST be evil!] he has. He is so full of him self [This joke is too easy for me, insert your own], thinking he has got us cornered. And that damn smile! [not the smile again. I'm scared!] Those pointed teeth, the vile greenish-yellow teeth, shine with the brimstone fire burning in his body, his soul [Yikes! Either this guy is really scary looking or he has a really bad case of BO]. He still hides behind that hood; all I see is the green glowing eyes [How did he see the teeth then?], the dark robe he wears, and that horrible smile [not the smile again! Stop it! Let me know when its over!]. He floats on the broken fragments of the planets crust, just a few yards above us [okay, this really has me perplexed. He floats a few yards above broken fragments of the planets crust? Fragments of the Planet crust sounds really big to me]. And he laughs [just as we all are].
“YOU STILL THINK I CAN BE BEATEN SO EASILY?” [no way, he really didn't use this line to start his dialog] the insidious [your friend needs a bigger thesaurus] being smirks while he talks. His strong, thick tail swings out from under the back of his robes, and his solid clawed feet
I tried to get a vision of what he wrote, I chuckle everytime I do. The hero facing off against the worst evil ever! How terrifing! How dramatic! How much it doesn't work! Here's my advice to you, Mr Wolf. Tell your friend that we thought it was great but could use a little work. Truth is he has a lot to learn about writing a prose. He's a year away from where most of the people on hatrack are (and I don't mean the really good ones). I suspect that he is not quite 20 and its the first thing that he ever wrote, probably really proud of it, so don't burst his bubble. If he's serious about writing, he'll get better and do his best to bury this so know one ever see's it. (I know I got a piece or two like that). In the meantime, good luck to your friend and tell him to stay safe.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited August 02, 2008).]
Though I think snapper's tone was a little unnecessary, I'm afraid I agree - it IS a little cliché and predictable. Equally, Bent Tree made all the line edits that I would have made.
What do we have here? A hero (presumably) in some sort of face-off with a demon / devil / bigbadguy. A climactic battle (and that in itself is a problem - it feels like you've opened on the end of the story) that will determine the fate of more than one world.
Where are you going to go with this story? Either the hero wins, and the world(s) are saved [the end], or the hero loses, and the world(s) burn [the end]. I have no idea who this hero is, or what this world is like, so why should I care what happens to them?
Now, I'm not saying that you can't start where you've started (it could be a flashback, a prologue, a vision, someone telling a story - any number of things), but you've got to give me SOMETHING to latch onto. A hook. WHY do I care about what's happening here? Even if it's just intriguing prose, there has to be something there to pull me in.
Incidentally, green eyes? Dark, hooded robe? Pointed teeth? All stock elements of your typical demon. I have seen this thing a thousand times in other stories. What makes your demon different?
My advice is to really think about what makes your story stand out, and go with it. Other than that, find a word other than 'insidious', and I'd suggest getting rid of the present tense. It's very hard to pull off at the best of times, and won't necessarily make your story any 'better'.
Hope this helped, Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 03, 2008).]
posted
Ok just talked to him and got permission to send more to anyone who wants it. Just 5 min ago. (he doesn’t have much time now for he is clearing to PCS to White Sands NM,) that is why it took so long to get permission to send more.
posted
It's a good starting point. It needs some editing and clean up but it definately shows promise and I think I like the MC. My biggest problem with it is that I'd like to know what the POV does and not have it withheld. The next big comment is a spelling/grammer check would have helped.
my take:
quote: The time was now, the place could be no were nowhere else. I have to stop him Who - The Evil Robot Monkey ("ERM") King. You don't lose any suspense by telling me what he's facing. In fact, if I know, I can worry about the MC more here. If I fail, this world I liked the "this world" reference. Tells me I'm not in Kansas anymore loses as well. New paragraph
He who? smiles down at me, that insidious smile he has. He is so full of him self himself , thinking he has got us US? There's an us? cornered. And that damn smile! Those pointed teeth, the vile greenish-yellow teeth, shine with the brimstone fire burning in his body, his soul. He still hides behind that hood; all I see is the green glowing eyes but you saw the smile. I'd back off the smile obsession but that's just me. , the dark robe he wears, and that horrible smile. He floats on the broken fragments of the planet's crust, just a few yards above us. And he laughs.
“YOU STILL THINK I CAN BE BEATEN SO EASILY?” don't need all caps? The dialog seems out of place too. Seems to me that *he* is pretty sure he's in charge the insidious being the ERM smirks while he talks Really? That's difficult, if not impossible to do . His strong, thick tail how does the MC know it's a strong tail? I'd rather read the 'thick black' swings out from under the back of his robes, and his solid clawed feet
It has a sort of comic book feel to it. If that's what he was going for, it's pretty good. If not, he needs to tone it down a bit. It's a good start.
posted
'The time was now, the place could be no were else.'
Almost sounds like advertising lingo, but I sort of like it.
'I have to stop him here. If I fail, this world loses as well. He smiles down at me, that insidious smile he has. He is so full of him self,'
It's 'himself'.
'thinking he has got us cornered.'
Drop 'got'. Using 'he has us cornered' seems neater.
'And that damn smile! Those pointed teeth, the vile greenish-yellow teeth, shine with the brimstone fire burning in his body, his soul. He still hides behind that hood; all I see is the green glowing eyes, the dark robe he wears, and that horrible smile. He floats on the broken fragments of the planets crust, just a few yards above us. And he laughs.'
It's 'planet's'.
There seems, to me, to be a disparity between the voice and the subject matter. The voice seems very informed, knowing, modern. It sounds like Chuck Palahniuck. But your friend's subject matter seems like more traditional SF/F fare. From what I've seen, there's nothing contemporary about the setting, although this voice does suggest there should be. Maybe that's just me, but the first line doesn't help. Get him to try rewriting it from another POV and see if it fits better.
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