See last post for final version

Golb's Daughter

The god called the Silver Ram tumbled headlong from his celestial perch. He fell, burning across the wide sky, to collide with the planet in a towering fountain of dust and pulverized bedrock. He lay there in pain for minutes or hours, struggling to master the alien sensation of physical pain. With an effort, he began scrambling up the narrow walls, willing old flesh to remember its long abandoned utility.
The climb exhausted him, so he didn't sense the mortal's presence until it poked its grimy head into the hole.
"The god slay me, how did you get down there?" the mortal croaked, clearly unaware of the uncanny prescience of his words. The man stretched and offered both hands to aid the god.

Original Version (see 2nd revision below)
Golb's Daughter

The god they called the Silver Ram tumbled headlong from his celestial perch, and collided with the profane earth in a towering fountain of dust and vaporized bedrock. When his sight cleared, he was surprised to discover that in addition to searing pain, he would have to endure a physical climb out of the hole he had punched in the planet he once ruled. So fresh was the wound of his diminished state, he was unable to appreciate the irony, so he set about scrambling up the narrow walls, willing old flesh to remember it's long abandoned utility. The climb exhausted him, so he didn't sense the presence of a mortal until it poked its grimy head into the hole.
"The god slay me, how did you get down there?" the mortal croaked, clearly unaware of the uncanny prescience of his words.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited August 21, 2008).]

* 'The god they called the Silver Ram tumbled headlong from his celestial perch' - a ram on a perch is an odd image. Birds perch.
* 'the profane earth' - a strange choice of word. Do you mean the earth is profane to a God because it isn't heaven? I'd find another word - 'profane' sounds... I don't know, almost pretentious. Melodramatic, perhaps.
* 'a towering fountain of dust and vaporized bedrock' - take out a few of the adjectives etc, and you've got 'the Silver Ram tumbled from his perch, and collided with the earth in a fountain of dust'. It almost sounds like the silver ram IS the fountain, showering down to earth from heaven (not that he sent up a fountain of debris with the force of his impact). Could be just me, but I'd consider rewording that sentence. Incidentally, I'm not sure you'd be able to actually see the 'vaporized bedrock' in the fountain of dust, so I'd cut it.
* 'When his sight cleared' - we didn't know his sight was obscured in the first place, so this seems to come out of nowhere.

Truth be told, I only really like the last two sentences of this (' The climb...' to '...prescience of his words') - we start to get a little bit of the Silver Ram's voice and character; I quite like the Silver Ram's arrogance. I think I'd read on a little further, but the opening lines could really do with an overhaul (especially your first sentence).

Could I suggest "toppled" instead of "tumbled", if he is meant to have been a statue until now? Not sure about "celestial" because I didn't get the sense that it was a long way down, if that is what you meant. Maybe "sacred"? I pictured him on a high pinnacle, maybe a little higher than the surrounding buildings (if there are any), since "they" were aware of him. I suspect the hole is caused when the god touches profane earth, but if it meant to be from an object falling a long way, it would make a crater-shaped hole.

I think perch is fine. Profane didn't bother me, but you don't need it. It could be misleading, that maybe the Ram is what got smashed into a fountain of dust, but then it is clear what happened in the next sentence. Not sure about vaporized, how about pulverized? I like the image of punching a hole in the planet. Hmm, I don't know how far down you have to go to find bedrock--depends on the terrain. Dirt might be enough, but it is packed pretty darn hard, not too far down. How deep is this hole?

I think he would notice the pain before any thought of whether or not he can see clearly.

Revision 1.

Golb's Daughter

I'm looking for readers of the whole thing.

Here's the latest 1st thirteen:

The silver god tumbled from his celestial home and burned a fiery streak across the wide sky. He collided with the planet, sending up a towering fountain of dust and pulverized bedrock.

After, at the bottom of the deep smoking wound in the earth, he lay with his silver eyes closed. After a time, he mastered the returning sensation of physical pain and, with an effort, drew himself upright and began scrambling up the narrow walls of the crater, willing old flesh to remember its long-abandoned utility.

Some hours later he drew a rattling sigh of relief when he felt sunlight heat his skin. Exhaustion distracted him enough that he failed to sense the mortal presence until it poked its grimy head over the crater’s edge.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited June 19, 2009).]