This is a 13 I posted a few weeks back. I am looking readers for the first chapter (1,300ish words) to let me know what your think so far and any comments for the betterment of the story.
Thanks!
I swirled my shot of Jack and sat waiting at the bar. The night outside was cold, the kind of cold that seeped in under your skin and settled like a parasite, content in annoying the hell out of you. The only remedy was a stiff drink, or two, or if it’s really bad out maybe even “just pass me the Bottle Bub, and let the tab run.” Nights like this always allowed my mind to wander, and sooner than later I was reminiscing about Vinny. I downed my drink (here’s to you Vinny) and pushed the glass over to the bartender. He filled it up again without looking up at me. I let the glass sit and glanced at the crumpled piece of paper next to it. It was stuck under the windshield wiper of my car that morning. No need to unravel it, I had read it a hundred times throughout the day. 11:30 PINTY’S ON 43rd ST. – I KNOW ABOUT MALHAVEN
posted
I like the "cold-parasite" simile, but there isn't much else in here that really hooks. The next line might, if the narrator thinks about what Malhaven is and what the note actually means, but you haven't given us an emotion from the narrator, so how can I feel anything about the note if he hasn't shown anything, when he has context I don't?
And I'm not sure if Vinny is alive or dead, the "here's to you" implies the latter but the note implies the narrator is waiting for Vinny at the bar.
posted
The switch in his thoughts from Vinny to the paper seemed forced to me. If the paper is interesting or unusual enough to catch his eye at that moment why isn't he thinking about it earlier? Why go through this song and dance with Vinny? That sounds like something he does when he has nothing else to think about. If it's related to Vinny (and he knows it), then I think the transition could be clearer and more natural.
Right now, this isn't pulling me in. I'm not interested enough in Vinny or the big of paper. However, I'd be willing to read the first chapter (though if it's a chapter of a book maybe this would be better placed in the FF for Novels section?)
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited August 19, 2008).]
posted
I like the voice. I like your use of the first person. I think that you are on the right track here. But I do have a few problems with the 13 you posted:
Your first sentance : "I swirled my shot of Jack and sat waiting at the bar."
This is passive, and doesnt make for a very strong first line. Maybe : Swirling my shot of Jack (whiskey?) I waited impatiently at the bar. (?)
I also slipped on the part where the speaker said that the ONLY way to fend off the cold was to drink liquor. When I read first person nior-ish stuff like yours I tend to hear the voice of Humphry Bogart in my head. And to me Bogey is a pragmatist. I'm not saying that your speaker has to be one too. But It seems like Bogey would realize that when it gets cold that wrapping himself in a wool blanket and sitting in front of a fireplace is the best way to fend it off. But not having a blanket, or a fire-pit handy he has to make do with the bottle, which is a decent substitute.
I'm not sure if any of what I've said makes sense. As is, I don't think I would read on. But I do think that with a little more work that you could have something here.
Greg-
[This message has been edited by GLiB (edited August 19, 2008).]
posted
I tend to like "nior-ish" writing and movies. That said, I would continue on cautiously. You haven't quite hooked me yet, but I do like your voice and some of your imagery. If you haven't read it already, you might want to take a look at The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon. It's a gumshoe alternative history story - excellent!
Here are some thoughts:
quote:I swirled my shot of Jack and sat waiting at the bar. [great opening - I don't see passive voice?]The night outside was cold, the kind of cold that seeped in under your skin and settled like a parasite, content in annoying the hell out of you.[a minor point - I don't think of parasites as being content, maybe intent] The only remedy was a stiff drink, or two, or if it’s really bad out maybe even “just pass me the Bottle Bub[capitals?], and let the tab run.” [functioning alcoholic - known a few of those. I don't see a better way of letting the reader know, but this archetype doesn't usually get "tabs" - "I'm good for it"]Nights like this always allowed my mind to wander, and sooner than later I was reminiscing about Vinny.[always - tells me this was long ago? I feel like I need to know who Vinny is] I downed my drink (here’s to you Vinny)[You're using different punctuation to convey thoughts than you did earlier] and pushed the glass over to the bartender[you confused me with the bottle earlier - I assume it's not that cold outside]. He filled it up again without looking up at me. I let the glass sit and glanced at the crumpled piece of paper next to it. It was stuck under the windshield wiper of my car that morning.[This is passive - doesn't sound right] No need to unravel it, I had read it a hundred times throughout the day. 11:30 PINTY’S ON 43rd ST. – I KNOW ABOUT MALHAVEN[Are you in Pinty's now - let me know this at the beginning somewhere]
I don't want to speak for everyone else, but I think there is a disconnect with the reader. Was Vinny's last name Malhaven? If so, why now if it happened a long time ago? I don't necessarily think early confusion is always bad in a novel, but it's definitely not good (if it is your first?). I imagine that pulp writing is a tough sell with most critics - including hatrackers. Hope this helps - Good luck
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 20, 2008).]
posted
First: This is my first review. I hope it helps.
The narration you have chosen is so specific to the Noir period that I think its difficult to read this and not get the Boghart imagery. Even authors like Spillane have updated it a bit. For example:
"The night outside was cold, the kind of cold that seeped in under your skin and settled like a parasite, content in annoying the hell out of you."
I think a line like this would work if two things were adjusted. First, remove the short sentence passive description of the night (The night was cold). It has a parody effect amongst today's audience who can almost here a late night audience reply "How cold was it?" If it is a parody then this will work, but it feels like you are shooting for a serious crime story.
Second, explain the effect of the cold as though it happened to the narrator directly. In other words remove the "your" perspective and try having the "cold settled under the narrators skin like a parasite...annoying the hell out of the narrator. Make it happen to him, not to us the audience. I think this will better engage the reader.
I also find myself wondering too much about Vinny. The character is mentioned and then nothing else. Perhaps the context of the rest of the story solves this and I am only distracted because I don't see that Vinny is in the paragraph ahead of these lines. Otherwise if feels like you started us on the subject of Vinny and then dropped it as quickly as it started. This makes Vinny a distraction, not a hook.
The imagery of shot glass and the belief that a stiff drink is a solution, make this character intriguing and I like it. Malhaven is definitely the triggering subject of these lines. Its this line that holds my thoughts for the next page. A little more economy in the preceding lines and I am good to go with you.
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