Just comments on the first 13, thanks. It is the start of a flash piece with a twist.

The only substantive comments I have are more of a nits -

I don't think you need - "It was always difficult to tell if someone was a browser or a buyer." You might have a stronger start if you used onlt the second half of the sentance:

"After years of experience, Jeff Storeman was somewhat of an expert in deciding if someone was a browser or a buyer."

I don't think you need to say "he paused" between trailing off and looking around, I know he paused.

Minor nits only. Firstly, why are the fact that his clothes creased relevant? I can see how expensive clothes could mark him as a buyer, but creased?

Secondly, would Cornelius give his name as confidently as he seems to? The way you've characterised him, he is furtive and embarrassed about his purchase. I would have thought it more plausible if he stuttered, clearly making up a fake name on the spot.

As a hook, it gets me over to the next page.

Regards,

The guy is nervous going in (initially furtive and embarrased), but hey, once in its clear to everyone what he is there for--he becomes more confident. Besides, he is the customer...and I don't want him to remain embarrassed. You may begin to feel sympathy for him-which I don't want. He is going to become sleazy and unpleasant by the end of the story.

quote:

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It was always difficult to tell if someone was a browser or a buyer, but with years of experience behind him Jeff Storeman was somewhat of an expert

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and

quote:

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The middle-aged man who scurried through the door with a nervous glance behind him, his creased yet expensive clothes, spoke to the salesman within him—a buyer.

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Should, with a little reworking, be switched. The first line is good but just feels out of place to me. Back to first line.

quote:

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but with years of experience behind him Jeff Storeman was somewhat of an expert

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needs a comma and a new verb.

but with years of experience behind him, Jeff Storeman became somewhat of an expert

and are you sure you want Storeman to be his name? Why not Manuel Kneadsitbad?

And creased sounds like an iron suit. Wrinkled is the word I think you want.

“Here to have a look around, sir or do you have something specific in mind?”
The man looked suitably sheepish and blushed. They always did—coming >in< here felt, to many men, like an admission of sexual failure. “Er, yes...I am looking for something...” he paused for a moment and looked around with beady eyes, “...specific.”
“What exactly were you interested in, Mister...?”
“Harrow, Cornelius Harrow.” not too embrassed to say his name, is he? >The man snapped a quick smile.< cut this as well. Out of character for a man that should be wearing a long raincoat with his collar pulled up “I was interested in a complete...” he coughed, “ er...pleasure

I think I'd need either a little more POV from the salesman or some more context about the store if the customer's behaviour is going to be credible for me (as is usual for these things, it's probably just me). The scenario just made me think of a sex store and while I won't profess to be that knowledgable about them, being embarrassed to be seen going in there and then being unabashed enough to state his true name seems a little bit odd.

I could buy the wrinkled clothes. Still, caring enough about appearance to buy expensive clothes but not caring to iron them is slightly odd. I'd pick a guy with bad fashion sense as being single over a guy who doesn't iron his clothes (that's just lazy).

Despite my overly picky self, great hook and 13 lines.

Cheers,

Nick

I agree about expensive clothes put together badly (clashing, etc.) might be a better clue than wrinkled clothes.

I disagree about his behavior. If you enter a place like a sex-shop (which this isn't--its more of a girl friend shop) or a sexual health clinic, you may have concerns about being seen by the general public/acquaintance when going in, but once in there is little to be squeamish about--you are after all there for a reason. And the people there are there to serve you--they do the same thing every day.

Besides, he is eager.

Also the fact that he gives his name shows to Storeman that he is a buyer...he will need to pay for his android, and his identity will be known at that point. He doesn't carry enough cash for the item on him--it's expensive. Also any warranties or guarantees will require his full name etc...so he is really not giving away anything he won't need to volunteer later anyway.