Original 1st thirteen (see revision below):

Torchlight colored the mist of Gripp's breath as it disappeared into the darkness over the wall of the fort.
Gripp's companion on the late watch--everyone called him Fatlip--hadn't shut his mouth for more than a few seconds in the last hour. "Is it true what they say about your family?" He watched Gripp nod minutely and whistled in disbelief. "All dead in service to Dunfall? Ain't that some luck."
"My mother is still alive," said Gripp.
Fatlip shivered. "The boys all have bets about why you got sent out here with the rest of us. See, we've all had our problems: fighting, deserting, general laziness." Fatlip smiled. "But you, seems you're one of Master Rallum's favorites. Heard he offered you a discharge when your last brother bought it--no disrespect."

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited September 17, 2008).]

quote:

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Gripp's companion on the late watch--everyone called him Fatlip--

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cut everything before 'Fatlip'.

quote:

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He watched Gripp nod minutely

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cut the 'minutely'. Those 'ly' adverbs need to be kept to a minimum and I had to think what 'minutely' meant.

quote:

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Fatlip shivered...

Fatlip smiled.

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Your overdoing it on the description tags again. Watch it. I suggest you keep the first one but definitely cut 'Fatlip smiled'. It reads a lot smoother with conitinous dialog.

Despite my complaints I think this is a good hook. Nice job.

Gripp usually didn't mind the late watch--despite the cold--but his companion that night hadn't shut his mouth for more than a few seconds in the last hour. Gripp suddenly realized why they called him Fatlip.
"It's true then? What they say about your family." Fatlip said.
Gripp nodded and heard Fatlip whistle.
"All dead in service to Dunfall. Ain't that some luck."
"My mother is still alive," said Gripp.
Fatlip managed a few seconds of silence before continuing. "The boys all have bets about why you got sent out here with the rest of us. See, we've all had our problems: fighting, deserting, general laziness." Fatlip smiled. "But you, from what I've heard, you're one of Master Rallum's favorites. I heard he

Does that fix it without ruining the hook?

quote:

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Torchlight colored the mist of Gripp's breath as it disappeared into the darkness over the wall of the fort

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...is superior to this one. Add it to this one.

Also, Fatlip smiled is a POV switch unless Gripp is looking at him (which isn't clear if he is). Cut it, you don't need that description tag anyway.

Hook is weaker without that first line that immerses us in the scene and mood of the moment.

Edit to add...

...and cut the suddenly

Torchlight colored the mist of Gripp's breath as it disappeared over the wall of the fort and into darkness. He usually didn't mind the late watch, despite the cold, but his companion that night hadn't shut his mouth for more than a few seconds in the last hour. Now Gripp knew why they called him Fatlip.
"It's true then? What they say about your family." Fatlip said.
Gripp nodded and heard Fatlip whistle.
"All dead in service to Dunfall. Ain't that some luck."
"My mother is still alive," said Gripp.
Fatlip managed a few seconds of silence before continuing. "The boys all have bets about why you got sent out here with the rest of us. See, we've all had our problems: fighting, deserting, general laziness. But you're one of Master Rallum's favorites. I

edited to remove the "suddenly"

I think the revision is pretty good and does the job. I agree on the importance of the opening image (great scene-setter) but I had a bit of a stumble reading it the first time around. I momentarily thought “Is it the torch light disappearing or his breath?” Stupid, I know, but it might be worth fiddling with to see if idiots like me don’t get caught up.

Other than that, pretty sharp. I’ll probably be free to read it when it’s finished.

Nick

I never received a copy of this. Are you still looking for readers?

Just a couple of minor nits:

Torchlight colored the mist of Gripp's breath Could be cut to "Torchlight colored Gripp's breath..."

but his companion that night hadn't shut his mouth You could cut the "that night" as we already know it's night.

"All dead in service to Dunfall. Ain't that some luck." I was a little unsure at first who was speaking here.

I'd be happy to read the whole thing if you like