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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » My horrorish storythingie.

   
Author Topic: My horrorish storythingie.
Darth Petra
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It doesn't really have a title or anything, but here goes:

It was a grey day in November. Old leaves that littered the sidewalk jumped at every slight breeze. They played in the street like foolish children, until speeding cars crushed them into dust.
It was evening, and even the lights from the houses seemed cold. This bleak light spilled from windows onto the brown stubble of grass. A few grave crows poked around in the leaves, looking for supper in the dead ground.
A girl trotted through the collected leaves on the sidewalk. Under one arm, she clutched a black binder. Her other hand held her windbreaker shut. She had to get that zipper fixed.
As she passed the entrance to Ashwood cemetery, she stopped. She’d like to stroll through. Of course, she’d been in here,


[This message has been edited by Darth Petra (edited September 19, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 19, 2008).]


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alliedfive
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I like it. Creepy enough that it hooks me. One thing I noticed was the consistently short structure of your sentences. Read them out loud and you'll hear what I mean. Try combining a couple of them to make it read smoother. Nice job, I loved the leaves/children simile.

[This message has been edited by alliedfive (edited September 19, 2008).]


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AlizarinFire
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You do a great job of establishing the setting. It would help to tie some of your sentences together, such as "It was evening, and the bleak lights from the houses spilled from windows onto the brown stubble of grass."

Secondly, you switch POV when you introduce the girl. "She had to get that zipper fixed" is from her POV, but she wouldn't think of herself as "A girl" as she was introduced in the previous sentence. You can solve the problem by using a name instead.

Good introduction. The girl's desire to stroll through the cemetery and the creepy atmosphere are enough of a hook for me.

Melissa


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snapper
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A decent visual but as I read it, I thought it was going to be a story about leaves. Not sure if you want that many references to them. The little girl needs a name as well. You had time to give her one. Why don't you?

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