posted
Hey, Just thought to post about something small I'm doing, I'm making it a short story, but hopefully it may turn into something more further on. It's going to be a religious/thriller/fantasy kind of story. The events will be in Spain.
------------------ How could it be? Could this man siting before him really, truthfully, be the monster detailed in his orders? This warm elderly man smiling as his granddaughter tumbled on the serf. Breaking his smile every few minutes to flash a silly face, that sent the child into a fiery fit of giggles. For almost a week he has been tracking this seemingly warm man, and throughout the whole time nothing occurred that could even near condemn the man as the orders did. Even before when people tried to hide their inner darkness, at some point, some moment in time, if even for an instant, there was always a hint of the sickness held inside. It wasn't possible. -------------------
Thank you
[edit] I posted what I thought was 13 line but now it looks much less can I add more?
[This message has been edited by Jonsul (edited September 23, 2008).]
posted
I give it an "Eh," but it has a lot of possibility. Firstly, I know you're being vague in order to hook the reader, but you need to let us in on a little more information, if only because the pronouns get confusing. As I see it, there are three men involved - the old man, the watcher, and the author of the orders. It's hard to tell which person you refer to in each bit.
There are some typos and grammar issues, which can be easily polished out. The last two sentences are a little clumsy - I'm not sure what point you're trying to make. That everyone's a little black, no matter how hard they try to hide it? That at some point people tried to hide their darknesses, but they don't anymore?
You also need to watch your time. Most of this is past tense, except for "For almost a week he has been tracking." This could be a typo, though.
That aside, like I said, this has a lot of promise. The dichotomy between happy grandfather and pure evil is intriguing. I specially love your "fiery fits" line. Great image and alliteration. You just need to get some sandpaper and buff it out.
posted
Woodbury, yeah sorry about that. I didn't realize until after I posted that there was a second. I read the forum rooms from the bottom and I clicked the first feedback room I saw. Won't happen again.
TBeard thanks for the critique. I didn't realize there was trouble understanding who was there.
Actually there's only the old man and the main character. He has the order on paper with him. He's merely observing the man from a distance as he has a conflict within him. Basically the man is condemned to die for horrible things, yet he has seen nothing that showed this man deserved death. The main character is part of an underground guild of holy assassins. The Children of Zion. All his targets before had obvious evil in them, yet this old man shows nothing but being a normal happy person. He begins questioning the motives of the order.
I wish I could put up the next paragraph so it all could be clearer. I wouldn't see any harm as I was planing to have both paragraphs on the first page anyways.
posted
You could hook me better and clarify the "eh?" factor by something like having the MC think:
"Could a man made silly faces at a baby be the same as the monster who torched the town of XY? No one had been spared. Not even the babies. Maybe the ERMs (Evil Robot Monkeys) had the identification wrong."
For almost a week MC haD trackED this seemingly warm man, and throughout the whole time nothing occurred that could even near (none of his actions?) condemnED the man as the ERM's orders did. Even before when people tried to hide their inner darkness, at some point, some moment in time, if even for an instant, there was always a hint of the sickness held inside.
posted
By all means, email me what you've got and I'll take a look. I'd like to know more about what's going on.
Posts: 9 | Registered: Sep 2008
| IP: Logged |
quote:I didn't realize until after I posted that there was a second. I read the forum rooms from the bottom and I clicked the first feedback room I saw. Won't happen again.
Well, Jonsul, I can move this over to the correct Fragments and Feedback area, if you like.
posted
kings_falcon I can't really mention the exact actions the old man did, as the death orders are always vague. So the MC wouldn't know. They list the name, the basic sins, and it's signed with a seal to show it's real, that's it. The assassins don't ask questions, they merely accept it on faith. Which is something I'd like to play on later. In the 4th paragraph I do mention the basic charges though.
okay I'm sending you the first scene
And yeah if you want to move it, I'd be fine
thanks
[edit] By the way here's a small update, I just changed around a few words and such. No big changes yet.
------------------------- How could it be? Could this man siting before him really, truthfully, be the monster detailed in his orders? This warm elderly man smiling as his granddaughter tumbled on the serf. Breaking his smile every few minutes to flash a silly face, that sent the child into a fiery fit of giggles. For almost a week he had been following this seemingly warm man, and throughout the whole time nothing occurred that could even near condemn the man as the orders did. Even before when people tried to hide their inner darkness, at some point, if even for an instant, there was always a hint of the sickness held inside. Compared to those, this man was a saint, It wasn't possible. ------------------------------
[This message has been edited by Jonsul (edited September 26, 2008).]
posted
I'm hooked. If you're ready for readers, I'd be happy to look at more of it. However, I'm majorly behind on critiques, so I couldn't get to it for a while yet.
Posts: 554 | Registered: Jun 2007
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
