So I have my fingers crossed. Here goes:

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The companion released a soft yellow glow the instant Olna took his seat before it like he did every night. It resembled some odd shaped lantern and set on a hardwood desk amid the clutter of the small but cozy attic. Olna narrowed his focus, and the glow intensified but softened once he broadened it. His eyes closed. All that remained was a mental picture of a primitive world called Earth. He opened his eyes, and the portal appeared in the form of a three dimensional window that hovered above the companion and gave him a clear view of the planet.

One of various viewing options displayed an area just off the coast of a peninsula called Florida. Many of Reema’s resident Earthers would decline a chance to return home, but he knew several who would give anything to let family know they

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Thought I better add that this is definitely a work in progress. I have the story down, but I'm still switching over to this new POV character .

(Please scroll down to post #8 to view the newest revision)

It's not bad, though I think it could do with a bit of clearing up in a couple of places:

* 'and set on a hardwood desk' - was set, or sat.
* 'Olna narrowed his focus, and the glow intensified but softened once he broadened it' - I found this a little awkward. I know what you meant, but take out the first clause, and you have 'the glow intensified but softened once he broadened it', which doesn't make any sense. Just a case of rewording it, there.
* 'form of a three dimensional window that hovered' - what, as in, literally a window, sashing and all? I find it hard to picture a 3D window, because when you talk about a window like this you're really talking about the view it gives you, and the view is just a 2D image.

Just a few nits. Otherwise, I quite liked it. If I've got this right, people from Earth have ended up on this alien planet (whether through accident or abduction)? I'd read on, but before long I'd want him to either do something with the companion, or move on from it (so I can see this alien world a bit).

Hope this helps,
Daniel.

I feel like you got a lot going on here; My humble take--

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The companion (make Companion capitol, it appears to be the name of this thing and is regarded as so from here on out) released a soft yellow glow the instant Olna took his seat before it like he did every night(" before it like he did every night" you can drop this; it has no significant importance to anything else and makes the sentence awkwardly long IMHO) . It resembled some odd shaped lantern and set(sat) on a hardwood desk amid the clutter of the small but cozy attic(Again, I find this sentence awkward. I would suggest rewording; e.g. Like some oddly shaped lantern, the Companion sat on a hardwood desk, amidst the clutter of the small yet cozy attic). Olna narrowed his focus, and the glow intensified but softened once he broadened it(the "it" at the end of the sentence here is very ambiguous. "it" could be the Companion, the glow, or Olna's focus. Because Olna's focus is the furthest mentioned from the "it" a person tends to think the "it" refers to glow, which makes this confusing). His eyes closed. All that remained was a mental picture of a primitive world called Earth. He opened his eyes, and the portal appeared in the form of a three dimensional window that hovered above the companion and gave him a clear view of the planet. (just in regards to bluephoenix' comments. A window does give you a 3d image. I think the problem (and maybe what you meant) is that when you think of a portal opening up, the portal itself is not 3D. If I picture a portal to another world appearing in the middle of the air, its a 2D object; no sides, just height and width, with another world inside it. unless it is as bluephoenix said an has a sash and all)

One of various viewing options displayed an area just off the coast of a peninsula called Florida.(lose the beginning of this last sentence. "The portal displayed an area just off the coast..." various viewing options is too detailed, takes me away from the important stuff) Many of Reema’s resident Earthers would decline a chance to return home, but he knew several who would give anything to let family know they

I liked it, but I think you try for too much in the first thirteen and end up losing the focus of the writing. take out things that don't matter, you build the scenario well sticking to the "meat and potatoes".

Good luck, hope this helps a bit.

You use 'it' too much. It is hard to understand which subject you are talking about. I think you tried to explain 'the companion', but I didn't get it.

Perhaps if you combined the first two sentences so you don't have to keep explaining what thing you are talking about now.

example:
The Companion (, an odd shaped lantern that sat on a hardwood desk amid the clutter of the small but cozy attic,) released a soft yellow glow the instant Olna took his seat before it...

The whole thing is interesting, so keep it up!
Kee Stone

"Odd shaped" should maybe be hyphenated but it also tells me absolutely nothing about what the companion is or what it looks like, there are many things that would make an odd-shaped lantern so I would like the author to tell me what I should be seeing here.

Olna narrowed his focus, and the glow intensified but softened once he broadened it I became a little more confused here, narrowed his focus? What is he doing? I didn't know he was focusing on anything, at the moment I don't know if it is sci-fi or fantasy, so this really could mean anything. Also, the "it" in this sentence would refer to the glow rather than the focus.

All that remained was a mental picture of a primitive world called Earth. This would suggest he had been seeing Earth before, maybe mention that earlier? At the moment this comes out of nowhere.

One of various viewing options displayed an area Again, I as a reader need more help from you here, what do these look like? Where are they? How are they controlled? Also, as an afterthought, are there any sounds coming from this portal or is it just a silent picture? And how does Olna feel about seeing Earth?

You have a good hook here, I just want to be able to picture the scene more clearly in this opening.

Good luck with it!

bluephoenix: I had been taught years ago that "set" was the proper term to use for inanimate objects where as "sat" is for people or animals. Maybe this has changed in time?

The window thing is a good point, too. I sure didn't catch that. I guess I might have been thinking more in terms of a view screen instead of a window.

Devnal: I hem-hawed about capitolizing "Companion" and agree with you. Also the "it" at the end of the sentence "broadened it" had bothered me, too. I agree with getting rid of "the clutter" that you pointed out. This will help things read much smoother.

Kee Stone: I agree about the use of the word "it". Sometimes, I do fall back on pronouns too much. I'll try to find a better way to word things.

Monstewer: I looked back at the sentence where I talk about Olna's focus and realized that I should add a word. How does "mental focus" sound? This also might help the reader better understand where the mental picture of Earth came from.

I also like to let my reader's use their imaginations to fill in details. Unless I'm writing something that deals directly with the story, I usually don't add anything. And once you're past the first page, you'll discovered most of the story doesn't take place in the attic. So, describing where Olna is isn't near as important as where he ends up. That's what the story is all about.

Lots of good solid advise to chew on, and thanks everyone for your useful and informative replies.

- I agree you should capitalize "Companion" and give it a more vivid description. Try not to rely on "it" too much.
- If you keep "like he did every night" then put a comma after "it".
- You are correct about "set".
- "Olna narrowed his focus, and the glow intensified but softened once he broadened it. His eyes closed." - I was also confused by this part. People squint to narrow their focus and open their eyes to broaden it. I was also confused by the use of "it". I would not use the word "focus" again in the same sentence - it becomes repetitive. Instead, I would recommend you reword it or break it into smaller sentences - "Olna narrowed his focus. As he did, the glow became a sharp ___ of light. He broadened his focus again, and the glow softened. He blinked his eyes shut." (something like that)
- I liked the 3D, everybody uses "windows" (unless they have an Apple that is), why not use a funnel or an orb.
- I would definitely keep your comment about the "resident Earthers" - that's your hook.

Hope this helped,

Olna took his seat at the hardwood desk, and the Companion responded with a soft yellow glow. A casual observer might mistake the device for some odd-shaped lantern, never realizing its true importance. Olna let his concentration center on the Companion. The glow intensified but softened once he relaxed his thoughts. His eyes closed to let nothing in his mind exist but a vision of a world called Earth. The portal appeared above the Companion the instant he opened them. This allowed him to view Earth without any Earther realizing his presence.

This particular view displayed an area off the coast of a peninsula called Florida. Many of Reema’s resident Earthers would decline a chance to return home, but he knew several who would give anything to let family know they were safe.

The trap was set to spring.

I called the Companion a lantern because it gives off light and that is it's general shape. The device is actually just a vehicle to continue the story.

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Thanks for the suggestions, tngcas. I guess we have a difference of opinion. I have always liked the term "Earthers" over other references to our kind by offworlders. If I had to pick a term I don't like, it'd be "Earthlings". "Earthers" sounds so much better. "Humans" doesn't quite fit either, since Olna is humanoid in appearance but comes from another world. I thank you for the suggestion and your reasons why you don't like the term, but I feel it fits. Of course offworlders like Olna could refer to us as Earthites, Earthans, or some such term just like most of us writers do in describing where someone's origins come from. For example; natives of Reema are called Reemans when lumped together as a whole, though there are several different kinds of people living there. I'm sure you can come up with other examples.