2ND VERSION - 1ST REVISION:
Sixteen minutes does not seem like a long time, except when someone is waiting for a reply. It should have been nothing compared to the six cramped months it took for them to get there. Commander Thomas Merritt, Jr. pressed hard on the button and leaned into his emergency comm unit. “Repeat, requesting confirmation for space-walk!” He turned to his ship navigator. “I’m going out there to get him. You can tell me what they said when I get back.”
Navigator Michael Eddleston winced. “Tom, let me go.”
“This is my responsibility. I sent him out there. Besides, you’re supposed to be flying this thing, and I’d trust your ability to land it over mine any day.”
Mike paused. “All right, what do you need me to do?”

2ND VERSION:
Eight minutes does not seem like a long time, except when someone is waiting for a reply. Commander Thomas Merritt, Jr. pressed hard on the button and leaned into his backup Comm unit. “Repeat, request confirmation for space-walk!” He turned to his ship navigator. “I’m going out there to get him. You can tell me what they said when I get back.”
Navigator Michael Eddleston said, “Tom, let me go.”
“This is my responsibility. I sent him out there.”
“But you’re the mission commander.”
“And you’re flying this thing, and I’d trust your ability to land it over mine any day.”
Mike paused. “All right, what do you need me to do?”
Tom gave a sly grin. “Just leave the light on for me.”

ORIGINAL:
Tommy Merritt sat beside his father staring up at the enormous screen and wondering what faster-than-light communication would be like. The red orb filled the screen, but this was really about eight minutes ago. By now the satellite had achieved orbit around Mars and was about send an historic message – the letter “A”.
Two sets of red digital numbers flickered side by side on the screen. The first was Earth-time down to the millisecond. The second was Mars real-time and equally as precise. Eight minutes doesn’t seem like a long time, except when someone is waiting for a reply. However, if his father's Particle Entanglement Communicator (PEC) worked, there would never have to be any wait time again.

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited December 05, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited December 09, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited December 09, 2008).]

The remainder of this first paragragh seemed quite wordy and could use some focus

Tommy Merritt sat beside his father staring up at the enormous screen and wondering what faster-than-light communication would be like.<--This is a little awkward for me. FTL comms would not be much different than regular comms (which travel near the speed of light anyway), so I'm not sure what Tommy is wondering about here. The red orb filled the screen, but this was really about eight minutes ago.<--I understand what you're saying, but the sentence is awkward.By now the satellite had achieved orbit around Mars and was about send an historic message – the letter “A”. Perhpas, "A red orb, indicating the satellite's orbit around Mars..."; also, would the letter "A" be an historic message - if we've gotten to the point of FTL comms, then I would think a much larger data stream would be sent.
Two sets of red digital numbers flickered side by side on the screen. The first was Earth-time down to the millisecond. The second was Mars real-time and equally as precise.<--I personally have a hard time with this -- not this particular sentence, but with the whole concept of "simulatneous time" at different places in the universe. It's quite tricky to get this right technically, so if this is a major plot point, then you may want to check out Time Travel in Einstein's Universe, which covers this in depth. In short, there really isn't a such thing as simultaneous events when dealing with FTL speeds - it all depends on the frame of reference. http://ciei.colorado.edu/physics2130/Lectures/L6/space_time.pdf Eight minutes doesn’t seem like a long time, except when someone is waiting for a reply. However, if his father's Particle Entanglement Communicator (PEC) worked, there would never have to be any wait time again.<--Now the first sentence makes more sense, but I think you need to get to the point fast with this one.

I'm not sure where this is going. I presume the POV (Tommy) is from young(ish) child, so I would wonder just how much he would comprehend about this communication system or if this is even the main point of the plot.

I would be more apt to read if the POV was from the man who invented the PEC, but this doesn't grab my interest by itself. The concept is a neat idea, but at this point it doesn't have enough to keep my attention.

Maybe if you tighten up the First 13 so that it's evident what's happening up front, then you can add more "hook" - something dramatic, some type of conflict, or just something that makes readers want to continue.

Without any suspense or foreshadowing of what's coming, I can't say I'd read much further.

I liked it better than your first and it hooks for me. One minor suggestion.

quote:

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Tom gave a sly grin.

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Try...

Hey, maybe by the time I finish editing the first 13, I'll have enough material to complete the story.

***

Sixteen minutes does not seem like a long time, except when someone is waiting for a reply.

This line is awkward for me, especially as an opener. I can't put my finger on it, but it's jarring. I can think of dozens of times "sixteen minutes" is an eternity.

It should have been nothing compared to the six cramped months it took for them to get there. Commander Thomas Merritt, Jr. pressed hard on the button and leaned into his emergency comm unit. “Repeat, requesting confirmation for space-walk!”

I'm assuming the CDR Merritt is waiting for a reply (sixteen minutes after his first transmission), so I'm not sure what he's repeating. I'm not sure you'd even attempt real-time two-way voice communications. If it takes sixteen minutes and they have the technology to travel that far out, a few things come to mind:

1. They would not rely on the command and control of a base/station that's so far away that communications take sixteen minutes to receive. The mission commander would be pretty much on his own and wouldn't have to request permission from anyone as long as he was operating within his higher commander's guidance and intent.

2. They would probably use a form of e-mail or text messaging or else the people trying to communicate would completely confuse each other as they attempted to repeat transmissions. A delay of only 5 seconds or so is EXTREMELY annoying and difficult, so I can't imagine they'd use voice unless it's "push to talk" like a radio. If so, they would use "radio procedures" like, "Base, this is Falcon Six, requesting to use the latrine, over." (i.e., person you're calling, your identification, and a closing callword -- over, out, break).

He turned to his ship navigator. “I’m going out there to get him. You can tell me what they said when I get back.”

Does it matter what they said at this point? He's going to do what he wants regardless (which is probably the better decision anyway).

Navigator Michael Eddleston winced. “Tom, let me go.”

Not sure if this is military or not, but in a commander/subordinate relationship, I'm not sure Mike would call his commander by his first name. (Though it does happen even in the military if the guys are old friends -- it's sir in front of the troops and Tom all other times).

“This is my responsibility. I sent him out there. Besides, you’re supposed to be flying this thing, and I’d trust your ability to land it over mine any day.”

Does the navigator fly? On an aircraft, the navigator is usually concerned only with navigating. The pilot flies the craft.

Mike paused. “All right, what do you need me to do?”

I'm just not keen on the whole idea of a all-too-heroic commander like Captain James T. Kirk who puts himself into peril because of a situation he created. Yes, it happens, but I find it too cliche' in writing for my tastes. A commander (at least in the military) is a leader and positions himself where he can best command and control. That doesn't mean he simply sits around and waits for things to happen. In the context of this story, I don't know how many others are on this mission -- I'm assuing just the three of them.

Just one parting shot...

If you want to go with this opening, I think it would be better if you simply make the commander decisive and begin with him broadcasting that he's going to attempt a rescue and that by the time they get the message, he'll be executing it. If he's a smart ass, he could say something like, "Base, this is Six... I've got a bad situation here, so by the time you get this, I'll be outside taking a smoke break. If you don't hear from me in another sixteen minutes, that means... well, you know the deal."

Thanks for the reply. This story is going to be about the first manned mission to Mars. It is a NASA mission, and I believe a mission commander would still do a spacewalk, especially if the only other person on board was the pilot/navigator. I thought about calling him a "pilot", but most of the actual "flying" is gravity - so I thought navigator would be a more precise term. There were no pilots in Star Trek, and I feel that it is not a very pertanent term for space travel, at least not yet. As for the first name use, it appears to me from recorded NASA audio transmissions that this is quite common.

You have a good point about whether the commander would have to wait for approval from Mission Control. This has been the case in the past, except for small split second decisions like Armstrong's overshooting the targeted landing site on the moon. However, they are using a backup/emergency comm system. The main system is down, which is actually a big part of the story and I intended to get to that very shortly.

quote:

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What all of this tells me is that I have started in the wrong place again. I apologize if I seem irritated; I am really just frustrated. I could write an opening that explains all of this, but then I'll be infodumping. I feel like I am going in a vicious circle.

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Good points and perhaps it may not need explaining. I just assumed "military" from the use of commander, but that may not be the general impression.

No apologies necessary -- I know the frustration. Resist the urge to "infodump" - take it from me, I fall into that trap quite often and find myself cutting pages of (what I thought was) good info.

I think you can set it up within the First 13 quite easily without having to infodump. It's just finding that magical "hook".

quote:

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“I knew that PECer was going to cause us problems,” Ship Navigator Michael Eddleston said with a scowl.

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I didn't catch the pronunciation at first. I posted a similar topic a while back and the feedback was that acronyms, when spoken, should be written as they sound.

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/004391.html

So, the line may be better as, "I knew that pecker was going to cause us problems..."

1) You are losing your hook.

Sending a man out in space for a repair isn't as exciting as the 'got to get out there now because it's life and death' opening you had inthe other versions.

2) These first two sentences

quote:

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Sixteen minutes is not a long time except when waiting for a reply. It was nothing compared to the six cramped months it took to get there.

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Are you sure you want to open with a negative statement? How about combining the two sentences...