posted
So this is my first attempt at a short story in my life, i decided I don't have the patience for a novel right now in my life, so why night try something shorter? I'm looking for comments and readers of my first draft. The draft is unfinished and just under 3000 words. I'm hoping to finish the draft tonight and it should be around 5000. ------------------------------------------------------
Unlike the rest of the neighborhood, I was the only one to take any notice to the absence of the old man who lives on Whitman Road. Everyday since I moved here I have seen him, sitting there on his unstable rocking chair. He sits there for hours on that dirty wooden porch. The house was once nice I heard, but after his wife passed away the place went to hell. The once green grass is now dead, with many patches of dry dirt; many of the windows are broken, as are the green shudders torn down. The shattered black roofing has lead me to believe there is a swamp of water lying in the halls of the house, for surely it leaks but it seems he doesn’t care. In fact, I know he doesn’t.
My suggestions: The first sentence borders on being a run-on. I'd suggest shortening it to something like, "I was the only one on Whitman Road to notice the absence of the old man."
Also, I'd like to hear a little more about the disappearance of the old man. The information about his house is interesting, but I think it could wait till a later paragraph. You see, I'm going to have to wait to tell you if I want to read it until I find out what the story is about!
posted
The way I have written it, there is another paragraph under this one, and you find he is walking by the house looking at it, while he gives some information about the man.
Are you saying to take out that description and tell more information that pertains to the main plot line early on? Or actually tell you more about it...
posted
Personally, I like to have some clue to the plot very early on, so I am suggesting that you tell more about the plot early on. Definitely don't take that info about the house out of the story entirely; it's interesting. If you like, you could put more info up front and put that up here for people to compare between the two.
Of course, these are only my preferences! Hard to say before others have commented.
As something of a side note,there's been a lot of discussion here of late about how important the first thirteen is. In my experience, if you have pertinent info in the first two paragraphs, you're fine, but I do admit that if a story hooks me straight off, I tend to pay more attention as I read on.
posted
I concur with BoredCrows accessment. The old man disappearing is interesting as is the house he lived in BUT it seems your story hinges on the Old guys disappearence. I believe you should focus on that; why his disappearence is odd, how he noticed he was gone, that type of thing. The information on the house is important but as it is, it remains an info-dump. Opening with one is not good.
As BoredCrow said, move that part down and show us why a missing old guy, and the fact your MC is the only that notices, is important. That is your hook. The house will help you reel them in, on the next page.
posted
I think BC has a good point about that first sentence, and to be honest you start the story with a redundancy. Maybe a stronger opening sentence would be: I was the only one to take any notice to the absence of the old man who lives on Whitman Road. It is shorter, more to the point and it tells us everything the original did.
Also, it might just be me, but I think if you're going to be writing in the present tense, then you need to make the opening sentence present tense; I found the switch a little jarring.
I think the opening could do with a little tightening: Everyday since I moved here I have seen him, sitting there on his unstable rocking chair. He sits there for hours on that dirty wooden porch. Is that second sentence needed? We know he's sitting in his rocking chair from that first sentence, and the following sentences tell us that the house has gone to hell, so you could probably cut that.
once nice...once green... Probably a bit nitpicky, but I did notice the repetition.
the windows are broken, as are the green shudders torn down. This sounded strange to me. Maybe "...the windows are broken, the green shutters torn down." might be better?
roofing has lead me to believe led.
swamp of water lying in the halls of the house Is this the right term? It sounds strange to me, though I could be wrong.
Would I read on? Probably not, I'm not a big fan of present tense to start with, I think you need to play up the mystery of the disappearance rather than the state of the house to make me think it worth putting up with.
Good luck with it and congrats on finishing your first short
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited December 07, 2008).]
posted
Thank you all for the comments. I'm going to mess around with the opening a bit, monstewer i'm glad you told me to be more direct for the opening sentence, along with your other comments. I agree I'm not a huge fan of first person, but i believe it works a lot better with this story. I will post again with my new 13 sometime soon, hopefully.
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