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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Cold Blooded Killers

   
Author Topic: Cold Blooded Killers
snapper
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Started this one today and its coming along. I would like to know how well this opening hooks.

quote:
Carl Baker watched the blue-skinned Flarikam float over the road and land near the human foreman. Most of the workers averted their eyes. Carl knew that wouldn’t matter. The alien conquerors were technically blind. They couldn’t make eye contact because they had no eyes to make contact with.
“Watch it buddy,” the man next to him said. Learning names was pointless these days so Carl never bothered. “The overseers might read your mind and stop your heart.”
“The Flarikam can’t read minds,” Carl said as he went back to trimming the hedge. “They’re telekinetic, not telepathic.”
“Then how come when my brother tried to shoot one he fell over dead before he got close enough to pull out his gun?”


[This message has been edited by snapper (edited December 09, 2008).]


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honu
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hooky for me nice description...spelling on alien conquerers?....I would read on


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snapper
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Thanks, Honu.

Fixed it.


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philocinemas
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quote:
Carl Baker watched the blue-skinned Flarikam float over the road and land near the human foreman.

Good opening, though I don't think you need "human" there. I can figure out that the foreman isn't a blue-skinned Flarikam by context.

quote:
Most of the workers averted their eyes. Carl knew that wouldn’t matter. The alien conquerors were technically blind. They couldn’t make eye contact because they had no eyes to make contact with.

I would leave off "to make contact with" - technically, it's incorrect, but also unnecessary.
quote:
“Watch it buddy,” the man next to him said. Learning names was pointless these days so Carl never bothered. “The overseers might read your mind and stop your heart.”

The second part of the quotes threw me off a little. I realize it's in the same paragraph as the first set, but it felt like it was coming from Carl.
quote:
“The Flarikam can’t read minds,” Carl said as he went back to trimming the hedge. “They’re telekinetic, not telepathic.”

Nice, I like the comeback.
quote:
“Then how come when my brother tried to shoot one he fell over dead before he got close enough to pull out his gun?”

This works, but it seems like this guy might be a little slow, he might not even know the difference between telekinetic and telepathic. Just a thought.

I liked it - I'd keep reading.


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tempest
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Hey Snapper, this has a subtle hook for me. I had to read it twice to be sure I knew who was speaking in some parts. I'm curious about the blue eyeless Flarikam.
I'd read on.

[This message has been edited by tempest (edited December 09, 2008).]


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skadder
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I like this.

I don't like 'Flarikam'. Sounds like a web-cam for fireworks. Try something else.

I would definitely read on...


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Yufae
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I'm definitely hooked. If you want a reader when it's finished, send it my way.
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