posted
OK....I'm trying a sci fi short... Does this hook and would you read on? thanks! ver 1 / /
quote:A bloody death in battle sounds like just the thing, Renchaka thought as he scratched his aged reptilian muzzle with a three taloned paw. The last time he died, he decided to go peacefully in his sleep. He'd chosen battle death for most of his life cycles inside of the Worldship Slashing Claws. He'd grown so weary of the endlessness of being, that he decided to cancel reawakening next cycle. Wazaan was at peace with Faraans this cycle, but if he gathered his old friends, he was sure he could bring war about again. The artificial sun peaked through the clouds. He barely made out Faraans far overhead. Sometimes it still amazes me that we were able to do this. When he turned and looked in either direction the horizon had only the slightest curvature.
ver 2 / /
quote: A bloody death in battle sounds like just the thing, Renchaka thought as he scratched his aged reptilian muzzle with a three taloned paw. The last time he died, he decided to go peacefully in his sleep. He ran on his powerful hind legs from village to village haranguing all to raise the war banners of Wazaan. They were at peace with Faraans this cycle, but he was bored and war went a long way to make life worth living. The artificial sun peaked through the clouds. He barely made out Faraans far overhead. Sometimes it still amazes me that we were able to do this. When he stopped and turned and looked in either direction the horizon had only the slightest curvature. The worldship had encountered many worlds, yet none that
[This message has been edited by honu (edited January 09, 2009).]
Despite the fact that a lot of the 1st 13 is backstory, it actually worked for me. I suspect the reason maybe the flippant tone that is established by the opening line and that carries me through where I’d normally stop.
Nevertheless, I’d probably trim the opening a bit to remove some of the backstory and save it for later on. I’d keep everything until just after
quote: The last time he died, he decided to go peacefully in his sleep.
and then have him doing something to start the story. All the backstory info can then be dribbled out. It sounds like you’ve got an interesting premise and I think that the opening line is going to take you a long way (at least for me).
I can’t review anything immediately, but I’m happy to do a swap of Dr Rob Hood, Zombie Psychiatrist when I’m finished.
posted
Thanks Nick T sounds like a great trade... I'm at 2200 words for first draft and welcome readers if anyone's interested? Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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I'd be happy to read it when you are ready. I agree with Nick, to trim the intro a bit. I had to read it about three times to grasp its meaning because of the wordiness. Still I like it and it is interesting. Looks like a good story to me!
posted
I'm not visualizing what's happening. While it sounds like you do have an interesting idea, perhaps some of the background information could be saved for later. The concept of your story is so foreign to me that I'd need something else to connect with it initially.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Jul 2010
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