posted
Feedback on the first 13, of course. If anyone would like to read the rest....that is good too. Its just a small silly thing.
“Will it hurt, Mommy?” Davey asked. His wide blue eyes looked up at me from out of a round pink face. I held Davey’s hand as we inched to the front of the check-in line. “Of course not, travelling in a sardine can is the only way to go.” I said and gave his hand a quick squeeze. “And we’ll see Daddy before you know it.” “Yay! Daddy!” Davey dropped my hand and spun in a circle his arms flinging out in all directions. “Stop that, now,” I said to the small dervish and snatched at a whirling arm. “It’s our turn.” I captured his arm and we stepped up to the check-in counter. The woman peered at Davey over the tall counter and smiled. “Where are you going to today?”
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 12, 2009).]
posted
I';m intrigued. I want to see what "traveling by sardine can" means, and where daddy is that such a method of travel is required. Feel free to email the rest.
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posted
Nice opening. This reads as if it could be a mainstream story. Only thing gives me pause.
quote:His wide blue eyes looked up at me from out of a round pink face
It's the out of a part. Makes me think that his face is weird, although I read enough published stories to know that a lot of publishers love these type of descriptions. Nevertheless, consider changing it to his, or just cut out of.
posted
Thanks for the comments. It's actually an expressionist story. They really *are* in a sardine can. LOL. I will send it on tonight.
thanks Snapper, for the "out of" comment. Oh, and I agree it does seem mainstream to me, too, unless I can find somewhere that likes expressionist fantasy other than FFO- where I got the idea to try this.
Maybe an inflight magazine....
Leslie
[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited January 13, 2009).]
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