posted
I'm a newbie, but quite used to criticism. So don't hold back. Is this engaging....do you want to read on (a little or alot)?
Ruben lay stock-still as he watched the creature land amid the carnage of the battle field. Ruben pressed hard on the musket wound in his groin. The demon folded its vast leathery wings behind itself and peered at bodies around it with flame-red eyes. A man nearby screamed and the creature turned. With long, pale fingers it touched the man's forehead. His body stiffened and his cries stopped. The creature shuddered and its great leathery wings rattled together like hollow sticks. It moved to the next wounded man. 'Tis the Angel of Death. Ruben turned onto his front and crawled away through the battle churned earth, over mangled corpses. After few moments he stopped, gasping for breath. I'm too weak. As he turned onto his back he saw the creature standing over him, a smile on its
Okay. Well, I've had a go at re-writing it...I don't know if it's better.
-2-
Pain from his leg wound was intense, but Ruben Carachello bit his tongue when he saw the creature land. The demon folded its vast leathery wings behind its back and peered at at the bodies strewn across the battle field. A man moaned and the creature snapped its sharp head round and stalked across corpses to the injured man. With long, pale fingers it touched the man's forehead. The man's body stiffened for an instant and his cries stopped. The creature shuddered. Its great leathery wings rattled together like hollow sticks. Then, it froze as though listening for-- 'Tis the Angel of Death. Ruben rolled onto his front. He crawled away through the battle churned earth and over mangled comrades. After few moments he stopped, gasping for breath.
[This message has been edited by Thor's-hammer (edited January 29, 2009).]
quote:Ruben lay stock-still(?this didn't work for me) as he watched the creature land amid the carnage of the battle field. Ruben pressed hard on the musket wound in his groin. (I think his needs to be a new paragragh as it switches subject)The demon folded its vast leathery wings behind itself and peered at bodies around it with flame-red eyes. A man nearby screamed and the creature turned. With long, pale fingers it touched the man's forehead. His body stiffened and his cries stopped. The creature shuddered and its great leathery wings rattled together like hollow sticks. It moved to the next wounded man. 'Tis the Angel of Death.( Same here...well the text between my comments could be one p but a new one should start here) Ruben turned onto his front and crawled away through the battle churned earth, over mangled corpses. After few moments he stopped, gasping for breath. I'm too weak. As he turned onto his back he saw the creature standing over him, a smile on its
I thought this was interesting but there was too much info crammed into the real estate. I think the main thing that threw me was the subject breakdown. It went from POV (Ruben) to the demon back to Ruben. I think generaly speaking this is ok but in this short amount of text it seemed abrubt and too fast paced.
The main goal in an intro(In my opinion) is to introduce the MC anchor the POV and introduce conflict, which you have done here but upon first read, the subject shift was confusing and at first seemed to break POV... well at first I actually though Ruben was the Demon.
I might recomend slowing this down a bit, give some more scenery and what is going on in the POV character's mind (Consequence) then introduce the antagonist and (Action) toward the end. Bring us into the helpless situation the MC is in, then perhaps relfect on the demon and what caused his peril toward the end. The POV seemed a little distant. Was he in agony? was he afraid? Does he feel beaten or victorious. Were thos around him his friends family, townsmen, army? These are just a few things I wondered reading.
Hope that helps. I was interested by the set up. With a litle polish this could really shine.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited January 28, 2009).]
posted
I think it's a little too wordy. Unnecessary directional tags, mostly.
quote:Ruben lay stock-still as he watched the creature land amid the carnage of the battle field.
cut stock-. Change creature to demon, and battlefield is one word.
quote: Ruben pressed hard on the musket wound in his groin.
cut hard.
quote: The demon folded its vast leathery wings behind itself and peered at bodies around it with flame-red eyes.
cut behind itself. at bodies around it could be improved. How about... at the fallen soldiers...
quote:A man nearby screamed and the creature turned.
Not a fan of this line. How about... The creature turned toward the screams of a wounded man
quote:With long, pale fingers it touched the man's forehead. His body stiffened and his cries stopped.
This is fine.
quote:The creature shuddered and its great leathery wings rattled together like hollow sticks.
cut 'and' and replace with a comma.
quote:'Tis the Angel of Death. Ruben turned onto his front and crawled away through the battle churned earth, over mangled corpses.
Change turned to rolled. cut away. I also think the 'and' should be replaced with a comma and be placed between earth, over.
quote: After few moments he stopped, gasping for breath.
cut After few moments (or add an 'a' before 'few')
The last sentence could use some changes as well but it's a half of one so I'll save anymore comments on it. The premise is interesting. A simple rewrite and you should have a decent hook.
posted
It's definitely engaging. Demons are always a hook for me, and I loved the descriptive imagery. Looks like the grammar and syntax errors I noticed have been thoroughly covered by the previous readers, so I guess I don't have anything else to add. If the story's as interesting as the style is I think this will be a good one.
Posts: 176 | Registered: Jul 2008
| IP: Logged |
posted
Ruben lay stock-still as he watched the creature land amid the carnage of the battle field. Ruben pressed hard on the musket wound in his groin. The demon folded its vast leathery wings behind itself and peered at bodies around it with flame-red eyes. A man nearby screamed and the creature turned. With long, pale fingers it touched the man's forehead. His body stiffened and his cries stopped. The creature shuddered and its great leathery wings rattled together like hollow sticks. It moved to the next wounded man. 'Tis the Angel of Death. Ruben turned onto his front and crawled away through the battle churned earth, over mangled corpses. After few moments he stopped, gasping for breath. I'm too weak. As he turned onto his back he saw the creature standing over him, a smile on its
I thought this was wonderfully wicked. The imagery here is so fright-inspiring.
My favorite lines are bolded. ^.^ All in all, I'd definitely keep reading.
posted
Thank you for all your kind comments. I have re-written the introduction above, trying to bear in mind all of your advice. Please don't feel offended if it seems I haven't. I just re-wrote it so it seemed to work.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
