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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Screamer

   
Author Topic: Screamer
Troy
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Curls of smoke bled from the cracks in Tinspring's broken roads and walls. Above the street, lights on wires spritzed and sparked. Flashlights cut through the dark. The young men heard shouts -- voices moving off, away. Marco swore they were saying: Deities! And Troy told him We're going to war, you know.

Marco walked with his hands in his pockets. He touched his lighter over and over. Warm blue metal on the skin of his thumb. "Who with?" He scraped the sidewalk with the soles of his shoes. His famously canted walk.

Who else? Troy spread his arms wide. The psychos.

"I don't understand. What psychos?"

Troy stopped him. Listen, he said. I hope you're not in league with the psychos. He placed a hand on Marco's shoulder. But if you

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 03, 2009).]


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Kathleen Dalton Woodbury
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Okay, trying again with this one.

Please read and provide feedback: are you hooked? Would you turn the page? Would you be interested in reading the whole thing and commenting on it?


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Bent Tree
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I am actually pretty into this one. I really enjoyed the imagery and feel of the scene.The dialogue about the psychos seems to be on the cusp of "as you know' or at least was tinged with that feeling of mechanism, but I would read on with gusto, and I would be willing to look over the whole thing if you need readers, but I will be out of town until wednesday so it would be next weekend before I could get this back.
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Dogmatic
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I liked it. I think you set the mood well and peaked the audience's attention. I agree with Bent Tree on the dialogue. Especially the line " I hope you're not in league with the psychos" I think it's a little stiff.

Other than that I would read on as well.

Steve


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skadder
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Curls of smoke bled from the cracks in Tinspring's broken roads and walls. Above the street, lights on wires spritzed and sparked. Flashlights cut through the dark. The young men heard shouts; voices moving off, away. Marco swore they were saying "Deities!" And Troy told him, "We're going to war, you know."
Marco walked with his hands in his pockets. He touched his lighter over and over. Warm blue metal on the skin of his thumb. "Who with?" He scraped the sidewalk with the soles of his shoes. His famously canted walk.
"Who else?" Troy spread his arms wide. "The psychos."
"I don't understand. What psychos?"
Troy stopped him. "Listen," he said, "I hope you're not in league with the psychos." He placed a hand on Marco's shoulder. "But if you

I have punctuated your story as best I can, based on my comprehension of it. I would suggest getting a book on grammar and punctuation. "Elements of Style" by Strunk and White deals with most stuff and gives great tips fro writing tighter prose.


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Troy
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quote:
I have punctuated your story as best I can....

As best you can? As far as I can tell, all you've done is replaced an em dash with a semicolon and added quotation marks. (The em dash was correct.) I think you could have done better. For example, why didn't you correct all those sentence fragments? :P Or italicize Deities?

I'm giving you a hard time but I see where you're coming from with the quotation marks. It is valuable to me to know that the absence of quotation marks in this portion of the story is jarring. I'll take it under consideration. For what it's worth, it wasn't an error. That is to say, it was done intentionally and for a purpose that becomes clear later on in the tale. I'm trying a thing. (It might not work.)

Thanks to skadder and everyone who has commented thus far.

Would anyone be interested in reading the whole thing? It's about 5,000 words right now but I'm cutting a lot of things and I hope it will be closer to 3,500 words by this time tomorrow.


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Troy
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Ah. Bent Tree, that's actually perfect, as it will give me a chance to trim some things out before I send it to you. Expect it tomorrow or the next day. As far as the comments, take as long as you like. Could be weeks. I wouldn't mind. Thanks.
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Merlion-Emrys
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I assumed the lack of quotation marks was intentional, and I may have some idea of the reason behind it.


Go ahead and send it to me.


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skadder
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quote:
I think you could have done better.

You're kidding--I struggle with punctuation, hence my caveate '...as best I can'.

I didn't realise it was 'creatively' punctuated, I just thought you had no idea.

I obviously need an avant-garde injection...

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 05, 2009).]


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melme54
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I'll give it a read, if you like.
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Troy
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Sent to Bent Tree, Merlion, and melme. I cut out a lot of things, but a lot of other things crept in. So it flexed, rather than shrank. It's still 5,000 words.
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billawaboy
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Wow, the opening lines are gold. Very visual, and draws you into the mood of the story.Would like to read more.
~bb~

[This message has been edited by billawaboy (edited April 08, 2009).]


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pixydust
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Ah, another Troy story. Goodie. Haven't read one in a while. If you still need readers you can send it my way since you'll be reading mine. Or I can be on your list for the next draft.
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Troy
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I'll send you the next draft, pix, if you don't mind. There's a large section of the middle part of the story that I have realized, after a careful re-read -- is totally incomprehensible. Primarily because of the quotation marks thing. If I added in quotation marks, the section would make a decent amount of sense. But I'm not sure how to fix it yet because I'm not ready to give up on the thing that not having quotation marks (in other parts of the story) gives me.

I'm thinking about brackets.

[I'm in need of a mental, physical, and spiritual awakening] he said.

[I'm in need of a mental, physical, and spiritual awakening, he said.]
"You say you're in need of --?"
[Yes.]
"Take out the word 'need'. Why aren't you in search of this awakening?"


Crap.


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pixydust
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I, personally don't see anything wrong with no quotation marks, as long as it's like that all the way through. THE ROAD is like that. I found it set an important mood, the way the narration had basically no breaks.

Just MO.


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