Hatrack River Writers Workshop   
my profile login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » An Unquiet Retirement - flash (1000 words)

Author Topic: An Unquiet Retirement - flash (1000 words)
Jeff M
Member # 7828

 - posted      Profile for Jeff M   Email Jeff M         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi kids,
Haven't been here for a while, as other life events prompted me to take a hiatus from writing. But here's a new Flash piece that started life as an assignment with a local writing group. As always:
1) Hooked so far?
2) Want to look over the whole thing?


The envelope wedged in my apartment door was plain white. No name, no identification. Though it had been a year since the last envelope, I knew what it was. For chrissakes, I thought I was retired. I unlocked the door, slumped inside and dropped my grocery bags. I tore open the envelope and sighed. I was too old for this. After putting away the groceries, I tapped the phone’s screen and a familiar face appeared.
“They told us we got them all. They told us we were retired,” Biff whined. On the phone’s screen, I watched my former partner’s face change three different shades of red.
“When did you start trusting the Agency?” I growled. “Hell, I’ve never seen anyone deliver these damn envelopes. Who uses paper anymore?”

Posts: 159 | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 7886

 - posted      Profile for bandgeek9723   Email bandgeek9723         Edit/Delete Post 
you can send it my way if you'd like.
Posts: 140 | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8425

 - posted      Profile for Dogmatic   Email Dogmatic         Edit/Delete Post 
The opening, although well written, seems a bit cliche. That being said, I'm not against a cliche opening as long as the story gives us something new. If not new at least entertaining.

I would be happy take a look at it.

Posts: 48 | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 8501

 - posted      Profile for Owasm   Email Owasm         Edit/Delete Post 
I'd like to take a look.
Posts: 1608 | Registered: Feb 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 2311

 - posted      Profile for pixydust   Email pixydust         Edit/Delete Post 
I'm afraid that I wasn't hooked, cause I didn't have a serious connection made with the character or the story idea. I think you need to just say what's in the envelope. Being vague can be frustrating to the reader. The MC knows what's in it, and I know he knows what's in it, but he gets on the phone instead of telling me the scoop.

That being said, it read just fine and was easy to understand.

Posts: 811 | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Hatrack River Home Page

Copyright © 2008 Hatrack River Enterprises Inc. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited.

Powered by Infopop Corporation
UBB.classic™ 6.7.2