Hi kids, Haven't been here for a while, as other life events prompted me to take a hiatus from writing. But here's a new Flash piece that started life as an assignment with a local writing group. As always: 1) Hooked so far? 2) Want to look over the whole thing?
The envelope wedged in my apartment door was plain white. No name, no identification. Though it had been a year since the last envelope, I knew what it was. For chrissakes, I thought I was retired. I unlocked the door, slumped inside and dropped my grocery bags. I tore open the envelope and sighed. I was too old for this. After putting away the groceries, I tapped the phone’s screen and a familiar face appeared. “They told us we got them all. They told us we were retired,” Biff whined. On the phone’s screen, I watched my former partner’s face change three different shades of red. “When did you start trusting the Agency?” I growled. “Hell, I’ve never seen anyone deliver these damn envelopes. Who uses paper anymore?”
I'm afraid that I wasn't hooked, cause I didn't have a serious connection made with the character or the story idea. I think you need to just say what's in the envelope. Being vague can be frustrating to the reader. The MC knows what's in it, and I know he knows what's in it, but he gets on the phone instead of telling me the scoop.
That being said, it read just fine and was easy to understand.