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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » An Unquiet Retirement - flash (1000 words)

   
Author Topic: An Unquiet Retirement - flash (1000 words)
Jeff M
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Hi kids,
Haven't been here for a while, as other life events prompted me to take a hiatus from writing. But here's a new Flash piece that started life as an assignment with a local writing group. As always:
1) Hooked so far?
2) Want to look over the whole thing?

---

The envelope wedged in my apartment door was plain white. No name, no identification. Though it had been a year since the last envelope, I knew what it was. For chrissakes, I thought I was retired. I unlocked the door, slumped inside and dropped my grocery bags. I tore open the envelope and sighed. I was too old for this. After putting away the groceries, I tapped the phone’s screen and a familiar face appeared.
“They told us we got them all. They told us we were retired,” Biff whined. On the phone’s screen, I watched my former partner’s face change three different shades of red.
“When did you start trusting the Agency?” I growled. “Hell, I’ve never seen anyone deliver these damn envelopes. Who uses paper anymore?”


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bandgeek9723
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you can send it my way if you'd like.
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Dogmatic
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The opening, although well written, seems a bit cliche. That being said, I'm not against a cliche opening as long as the story gives us something new. If not new at least entertaining.

I would be happy take a look at it.
Steve


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Owasm
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I'd like to take a look.
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pixydust
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I'm afraid that I wasn't hooked, cause I didn't have a serious connection made with the character or the story idea. I think you need to just say what's in the envelope. Being vague can be frustrating to the reader. The MC knows what's in it, and I know he knows what's in it, but he gets on the phone instead of telling me the scoop.

That being said, it read just fine and was easy to understand.


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