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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » Dream Scape, Science Fiction, Unfinished

   
Author Topic: Dream Scape, Science Fiction, Unfinished
AWSullivan
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I'd love to hear your thoughts on this opening. I'm not sure how I feel about it. The hook seems weak.

quote:

The business card was blank except a single line of text and a phone number.

“Make your dreams a reality,” I read aloud.

“I’m telling you Dad, it is absolutely amazing,” my son Chris said. “These guys can take you anywhere you ever wanted to go and. You don’t even have to leave the city.”

“I don’t know Chris. I’ve got too much going on with the new practice and hospital rounds to be thinking about a vacation.”

“Dad, the hospital can do without you for a weekend and your practice doesn’t open for another month. You haven’t had a proper vacation since Mom died. You need to unwind. You’re starting to look old.”

I looked around the dim room and settled my eyes on a nearby...



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Bent Tree
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This seems too close to being the opening for "Total Recall"
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Dogmatic
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I also think not much happens to pull my interest. We all need vacations so what makes him special? There's no mood established and the dialogue seems a bit stiff.

A hint that usually works for me: If I start my post with:
"I'm not sure how I feel about it. The hook seems weak"
The piece probably isn't ready to be shared since you already have your answer, unless you feel you've gone as far as you can and just need some more inspiration.

Note: This posting may sound meaner than I intended it to be. Please don't take it that way, I only mention it from being guilty of the same thing at times.
Thanks for sharing!
Steve


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bluephoenix
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I must get this off my chest: '... anywhere you ever wanted to go and. You don’t'. Random full stop, anyone?

Anyway, hello .

I disagree with the above two comments - it didn't seem overly Total Recall to me (though obviously you should be careful that it doesn't get any closer), and I wasn't as uninterested as Dogmatic seemed to be. I will admit that, essentially, nothing happens in your opening, and I am not exactly enthralled, but I would still read on. Actually, I think you're bang on the money with the first three sentences - each one is a tiny little hook. Join loads of those together and you've got a great opening. I think the problem is that you start to lose that effect thereafter - 'you can go anywhere' 'oh I couldn't possibly' 'go on you should take a vacation' is ok for context or whatever, but it seems to take up 2/3rds of your opening. 'I've got too much going on' is not a hook, not even a tiny one.

Don't get me wrong, I would still read on - I found the son's enthusiasm quite interesting - but I think your opening could be improved by making the conversation more interesting, somehow, particularly on the Dad's part.

Hope this helps,
Daniel.

[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited April 09, 2009).]


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pixydust
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It seemed interesting to me, though the idea did sound a bit familiar from what I'm reading. The dialogue, dialogue, dialogue thing bugs me in a beginning if its not done in a way that shows it's a style or a tool for the writer. Otherwise I need more from the POV. Especially it being 1st person.

Hope this helps.


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AWSullivan
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Thanks all for taking your time to read.

As far as the grammatical error. Please accept my appologies. I wrote the first 600 words of this story on my iPhone while sitting in the waiting room at the hospital. I do pretty good with punctuation but sometimes the iPhone has other ideas.

I'll have to give Total Recall a watch. While this story has the same basic technology as that movie the story isn't the same at all.

Thanks for the comments. I think they will help me tighten this opening.

Anthony


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