posted
So, I'm looking read throughs, and crits on the first 13 are appreciated:
Oatoo tried to ignore the change the force field below him experienced as they hit the planet's atmosphere. It's normal cool green hue that sealed up the bottom of the cargo hold had intensified to a blazing red. As they drove further into the thick air, he could almost see the planet's fury. He imagined it reaching a long angry arm out to smash the ship to bits. He felt his safety harness pinch at his arms, and his body mush into the slick wall behind him, but neither of these things did much to bring him back to reality. Between that and the tremors of the ship engines, he felt like he could barely breathe.
He felt a firm hand grasp his shoulder, and he jumped in surprise.
[This message has been edited by Jennywinnie (edited July 14, 2009).]
quote:Then came the release, the free fall--- the astonishing silence. He'd expect the wind to be loud, but as all ticking of technology subsided; the engines, the life support systems, the wind merely whipped past and he was completely and utterly alone surrounded only by the great blast of open skies.
This is still overwritten, IMO. Too many adverbs, and the astonishing silence makes the next sentence redundant. It also sounds contradoctory to me. The first part of the paragraph makes the jump sound exhilarating then the last half looks as if your MC is depressed by a feeling of being alone. Let me break it down completely.
Then came the release, the free fall--- [the astonishing silence] cut. He'd expect the wind to be loud, but as [all ticking of technology] I do not think of ticking when it comes to engines on an aircraft. roaring is what it sounds to me. And what type of life support system makes a noticable sound? is it needed? subsided; the engines, the life support systems, the wind [merely whipped past and he was completely and utterly] three 'ly' adverbs so close together. I suggest you cut at least two[alone surrounded only by the great blast of open skies] 'only' by empty sky?
[As he cut through the force of the wind like a knife,] upon further reflection, this sounds a bit cliche to me.]Jacob carefully the altitude,] this is missing something and the speed of his decent through his optical implants. [He knew he had to release the chute at just the right time.] too telling If he opened it too late he would fall too fast and injure himself [to the point that it would impair his mission] cut this. If he let the chute out too early, he could lose [his] try 'the' element of surprise and become an easy target of the New Dehah defenses.
This is better than the last one but still not quite there yet. Keep at it.
posted
I agree with most of what snapper has said, so you might want to just add a newer version and label it above the current one using the edit feature.
It would be easier for me to make a more qualitive critique if we started at the beginning of your story. I understand what's going on here, but I'm feeling a bit disconnected with the main character.
I know this process is probably frustrating for you, because you like what you have written. But try considering it like you would a writing exercise where you write out a scene in different ways. Often you will come up with new and better ideas and ways to represent the story that would not have occurred to you otherwise.
posted
Next time you may want to leave your original (and label it as such) and put your revised version above it (and label it as such). This will get more people to respond to your 13-lines, because they will realize no one has responded to the revised version. You can post a response stating REVISED VERSION AT TOP.
quote:Jacob 2 felt unnerved. As the prospects of his first mission lay before him, I think the first sentence and the preceding clause would work better togetherhe began to notice thatomit the safety harnesses attaching him to the side of the cargo hold seemed to be unreasonably tight. "unreasonably" is not a very strong adverb. You may consider including several things that are making him uncomfortable Between that and the G-forces that shook the ship as they entered the planet’s atmosphere he felt like he could barely breathe; or was that his imagination? Consider showing how the G-force is affecting him and the ship. Leave out everything after the semicolon
He tried to ignore the change the crystalline windows were experiencing due to the speed they hit the thicker air. SHOW THIS back when you're describing G-force. The cool green and blue hues which normally radiated from the super strong opaque material now had intensified to a blazing red. What material? He’d simulated this jump exactly 417 times, Why that many times? but the real thing had an edge to it. There were too many small details that his
I am currently working on something that is taking up much of my free time. I might be able to look at it in about two weeks.
quote:Oatoo tried to ignore the change the force field below him experienced as they hit the planet's atmosphere. It's(for a second had to ask myself if this "it" referred to atmosphere or force field) normal cool green hue that sealed up the bottom of the cargo hold had intensified to a blazing red. As they drove(flew? dived? a stronger more accurate verb would clarify the image, I think) further into the thick air, he could almost see the planet's fury. He imagined it reaching a long angry arm out to smash the ship to bits.(this is nice) He felt his safety harness pinch at his arms, and his body mush(taking out the "he felt" would increase the immediacy here: "His safety harness pinched"/"his body mushed" though "mush" is an odd verb ) into the slick wall behind him, but neither of these things did much to bring him back to reality.(how was he not connected with reality at this point?) Between that("that"? the pain of being pinched and mushed?) and the tremors of the ship engines, he felt like he could barely breathe.
He felt a firm hand grasp his shoulder, and he jumped in surprise.
Hope the comments are somewhat helpful. Good luck with it!
Printer-friendly view of this topic
) into the slick wall behind him, but neither of these things did much to bring him back to reality.(how was he not connected with reality at this point?) Between that("that"? the pain of being pinched and mushed?) and the tremors of the ship engines, he felt like he could barely breathe.
