Moving on:

She was startled awake by a sudden banging noise which didn’t put her in the best of moods (1). She lifted her head to see what the noise was and cracked it on the jagged faux rock overhang directly above her head. Her bad mood (2) much blacker than it had been seconds ago, she was about to give up and go back to her Dreaming Place (3) when the obnoxious noise repeated itself. She scooted a few inches to where there was room for her head and finally spotted the perpetrator(4). Much to her regret(5) it appeared to be a small(6) young human, a half (7)melted ice cream cone in one hand which left(8) the other free to petulantly(9) pound on the glass walls surrounding her. If there were humans around it meant that she had better get up or face the consequences.

1)The first sentence is passive and contains telling. Who is she? Presumably she know's her own name, so you should this line to introduce her name. Less passive--no telling--name:

The banging noise cut through her dream-time and Clarissa opened an eye and growled; who ever dared to wake her was taking a big risk.

Just an example.

2) Insert 'was'? Also this line is telling. Don't tell me her mood was blacker...show me. Also I don't feel the pain of the cracked heead so it's a little removed. Also if she sleeps here often she must have got used to the overhang.

3) Capitals? Are you sure? I have a mind--only one--and it is called my mind, but it doesn't get a capital. It isn't a proper name.

4) 'Scooted a few inches' makes her sound like a rat or something. If she isn't human (which she isn't) you should clarify what she is--which you don't. I assumed she was human--the default position--unless you hint otherwise. You need to do this really, really early in the intro, e.g.

The banging noise cut through her dream-time and Clarissa opened an eye and growled; who ever dared to wake her was taking a big risk. She shook her wings and looked about the cave.

5) Telling.

6) ...small, young...pick one.

7) Half melted = half-melted.

8) which left...try 'leaving'. Why use more words when you can use fewer? It gets the image in the readers head quicker and therefore more effectively.

9) Adverb. Exterminate, exterminate...

I am not feeling particulary hooked as I am uncertain who is who. Is this a giant dragon or a small rat? I have no idea of scales or roles so don't feel any conflict. I have an unknown, non-human creature (female) who is woken by a child. the non-human creature is not in a good mood and the child is petulantly banging on the glass surroung the non-human female.

Perhaps if you adressed these points I may become more engaged, after all if she is a dragon--well dragons hook me. Your MC knows what she is and her name and you not telling the reader is considered withholding and not a bonafide hook....more of an easy trick to be avoided. You can withhold stuff, if the POV character doesn't know the information themselves...that's legit.

Hope this helps.

ADAM

EDITED TO ADD: Just read the title. A mermaid. Still my comments stand; it should be evident in the prose who she is and what her name is. No doubt others don't read titles, like me.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited June 28, 2009).]

1) The prose of the intro wan't bad, it just needs refining.

2) My first intro was worse...it's just a case of swallowing your pride and continuing. If you are put off by having your piece shredded then you will never feel the wonder of the day you post one and everyone says how fantastic it is. So keep at it.

I'm not entirely sure if this is the first 13 or a selected 13 from another part of the story. But anyway, just a few comments below:

I think a captive mermaid is an excellent hook in itself and quite a nice idea for a flash.

The lack of a name for the mermaid became annoying pretty quickly.

I think you need to vary the sentence structure a little to bring your prose to life--just taking a look at the first word for the first four: "She", "She", "Her" and "She"

I get little personality of the mermaid from these 13. Maybe show her a little more rather than tell us she doesn't like being woken by loud noises (who does?)

Good hook at the end there with the whole "face the consequences" thing.

I get from this that your MC is a mermaid trapped in a glass tank by humans. She is small enough to be contained by an aquarium equipped with the normal rocks, etc, and to clear the rock overhang by scooting only a few inches. She gets POed by the rude awakening and cracking her head and she's afraid of what will happen to her if she doesn't entertain the little human.

That's what I get from reading. If it's what you meant, good. If not, you can tell what needs to be clarified. I have to agree that it's risky to depend on the title to reveal the important point that she's a mermaid.

What would make me read on is curiosity about questions raised in the first paragraph. How did she become a captive? Is she grown or a juvenile mermaid? What desire, hope and resources does she have for escape? These don't have to be answered in the first 13 lines, but should be covered in the next page or so. They can be covered anywhere in a flash-length story.

I like the first sentence even though waking up is a cliche' start for stories. Her mood and the need to entertain the humans when she'd rather sleep are tied to the awakening. Her name may not be important to the story, but it is a connection readers are looking for. My opinion is that the first sentence is a great place for her name in this story.

The writing can use tightening by removing unneeded words, particularly adverbs that don't add to what is already shown.

In the second sentence, I like the use of 'faux' to describe the aquarium setting. "Directly above her head" could be dropped; to me it was an extra description that was already implied by 'overhang.'

"Her bad mood much blacker than it had been seconds ago" is a long way to say "Her black mood got worse."

I like Dreaming Place as a euphemism for sleep. It connotes to me her need to use sleep as an escape mechanism--a place to go away from her captivity. That's a lot to pack into two capitalized words. I also like 'obnoxious' in that sentence because it emphasizes the causal relationship between pounding and her mood.

"Much to her regret" seems to me to be redundant to the last sentence. The last sentence is the stronger expression, so this phrase should go. Small and young are redundant and either would work. You choose depending on whether age or size is more important to the story.

"Petulantly" disrupted the smooth reading of that part of the sentence. It really does need to be exterminated.

My first big problem is that she doesn’t have a name. She doesn’t understand a lot of words the humans use and the person that owns her doesn’t care about her enough to give her one. Any suggestions as to how I can get around this? I don’t particularly want to change the nature of her owner and I don’t want to have her make up some name for herself, which seems a bit lame to me.

That’s a good point about starting with the character waking up, and it does make sense when it’s pointed out! I think I have a few other pieces that start that way. *Mental note to revise those too*

Appreciate the grammar corrections Skadder! It helps a lot.

You made a good point with the lack of personality Monstewer, I’ll see what I can do to give her a little more depth.

Jeffbarton, your summary is exactly what I was going for so at least there’s that. I’ll try and get rid of a lot of the unnecessary words.

Took a look at the Lexicon you mentioned Skadder! Not only was it hilarious, it had some really good tips. Thanks.

~MG

Maybe, you might consider developing your ideas about the world she comes from, or at least bring little clues about that world to the reader as you open.

After all, if her world is so different than a human one, she's going to look at things VERY differently, and she will think and react differently too. You might help us by showing us her reactions to everyday objects, or materials that aren't water resistant, or don't act the same way in the water.

You could give us sense of if she's been in the human world before. But, if she doesn't know many human words, as you say, that implies she really hasn't, so the strange surroundings that she finds herself in, should be much more alarming to her. In fact, she might not even realize at first that she's been trapped...I'm not sure by the first 13 if you meant she was swimming around being happy and then all of the sudden woke up to this nightmare, but that's what I'm assuming.

If you woke up, and suddenly realized everything was alien to you...you would completely freak out. Kind of like being abducted by aliens...different genre but I think a similar feeling. Every strange object would send thrills of fear, you wouldn't know if this was real or not, you might hear sounds, or strange scufflings outside the door that make you think death might be better than what's coming to you. That's also another thing, she might have surfaced before, but there's going to be alot of sounds she's NEVER heard before. And normal things are going to sound different.

How is her body reacting? What are her limitations outside of the water? Is she injured? Anyhow, you don't have to go on a diatribe explaining this stuff, but it can be alluded to by the way she thinks, and what things are her priorties. A mermaid's priorities might be different. Maybe, the abduction isn't her greatest concern, maybe staying away from the sea pains her. Maybe she says an oath to Posidon to help her escape. Just something to help her seem otherworldly.

Anyhow, if she knows she's trapped she would be much more panicked...totally going to raw adrenaline, at the brink of swallowing the poisoned pill if you know what I mean ...if not explain why.

Also, another angle...if you want to get away from the waking up beginning...is that you could show us her capture. Show us her world, show us the mermaid culture, and then show us the enemy. Maybe she's curious, and we freak in her behalf knowing what that harpoon really means.

It's your story, but there are just so many avenues to explore here. This is a really interesting idea, but you need to really take advantage of the possibilities.

Sorry, I just love writing sci-fi and fantasy because I can explore these kinds of fun things.

If you like you can send it my way, I'll take a gander.