I see that this is your first post and I recommend that you try and read some of the other threads here, as you will learn form them too.

Something weird seems to have happened to the formatting of you intro and it has come out as solid block of text--which is a little off putting.

I will open it out a little:

She was much younger (younger than who?), not yet an adult, and she was running through a dark forest, darting under overgrown roots as the swampy ground tugged at her bare feet.

This is a long sentence. First it comments on her (what is her name?) age, then it jumps to her running through the woods. I don't think you have combined them well or smoothly. Try and find the link between the two subjects so that the reader will link them. e.g.

Zelda(?) sprinted through the forest like a gazelle (cliche)--light on her feet and quick to turn. Her youthful legs carried her over fallen trees and under...

Your prose read a little like stage directions:

...and she was running.

Try:

She ran...

Behind her, the creature followed, large as a house but slithering between the trees lithely (adverb-kill)enough to move without making a sound.
She did not dare pause to look back, but she knew what was chasing her (Perhaps we could know its name if she knows): a sinuous neck that could extend faster than anything could run to escape it, jaws that could tear a man in two, and many, many claws.
She knew it was only a matter of time, as nothing could outrun the creature of nightmare (cliche) in this mad jungle that was its home.
Snagging her foot on a slimy root, she tripped and fell,
tumbling down a short hill and into a muddy lake. It was a wide
lake (Is its width relevant to this line or are you just trying to jam in description--also doesn't feel relevant to her after what you decribed above. I would have thought she hit the water and spin round to see if the creature was about to eat her. , and the girl knew instinctively (adverb--do you need it?) that the thing chasing her

You need to tell us her name if she knows it and the same for the creature. If she were being chase by a lion then you refer to it as a lion, wouldn't you?

I am uncertain as to how long you have been writing and so have no wish to overload you with an exhaustive crit.

Otherwise, your prose shows promise.

Adam

(Forgive my lack of editting of this post, but I am at work and can only spare a little time)

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited July 03, 2009).]

For example: "She was much younger, not yet an adult, and she was running through a dark forest, darting under overgrown roots--"

The fact that she is young is of little importance if she is running for her life. Also, if the forest is "dark", the reader sure doesn't feel it. After all, this girl is going full speed without nary a hindrance. You could re-write this with the description like so:

"Linda struggled to avoid branches and roots, sprinting as she was in panic. But her legs felt like stone and she could hardly see the forest in front--"

Probably not the best example, but I feel it get's my point across. Some things to note: In your prose, Linda is running through the forest with a monster chasing her. This is fine and dandy, but that's the problem. It shouldn't be fine and dandy. You need to challenge her outrunning of the monster succesffuly. For example, "But her legs felt like stone and she could hardly see the forest in front--", is a sentence that takes the previous predicament that Linda is in, and makes it worse. She's running for her life, but it is made clear that she can't keep running for ever.

You do something similiar with the girl tripping over a root. Unfortunately, that is really cliche. everybody trips over roots when they are running from a half-baked monster in the middle of the night in some godforsaken forest. So the effect is negligible.

Also, I assume there is a good reason why she is in this forest? People don't usually venture out away from civilization without good reason. Right, now, there's action to boot, so the need for a reason isn't pressing. But as soon as the action dies down, you can bet the reader is going to ask, "Why the hell did she even go into that forest in the first place?"

I agree with Skadder's and Hopper assessments. A couple of observations...

It is too pronoun heavy. 11 she's and her's (and one 'the girl'). Names, names, names. We want a name.

Honestly, I have a feeling that most of what I write is pretentious trash. I really like this story, but I can't say why, and I guess I'm curious to see if other people like it at all.

EDIT: I don't know if this is any better, or even if I should post a new version here:

As Nara slept, the memories returned under the mantle of dream.
She recognized the forest from her childhood, and something
enormous was moving through the trees. The forest was large and
sinister, and the swampy ground tugged at her bare feet as she
ran onwards. Behind her, the creature followed, large as a house
but lithe enough to move without making a sound. She did not
dare pause to look back, as she knew the pursuer well: the
thruk'kush had a neck that could extend five meters forward in
an instant, jaws that could tear a man in two, and many, many
claws. Nara knew that it was only a matter of time, as nothing
could outrun this creature of nightmare in the mad jungle that
was its home.

Leaping over a large root, she hit the ground with her hands,

[This message has been edited by tofudragon7 (edited July 04, 2009).]

So-- I'm just going to say that, even though there ARE problems, they didn't stop me at all. Also, I totally disagree with you-- what you posted wasn't "pretentious trash," or even close to it. I was completely engaged and would read the whole thing. It was exciting!