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I would like to know if this hooks and wether you are able to tell what the story may be about from these 13 lines.
quote:Dorothy hoped off the back of the Harley and shook her head at the neon sign over the bar on Martin Luther King drive. A gaudy yellow rectangle glowed, almost drowning out the words identifying the local barfly magnet. The Golden Path. “This the place?” Hard*ss asked while setting the kickstand. “If there is a such thing as poetic justice it is.” A Pontiac with a broken headlight turned into the parking lot and pulled alongside the pair. Out jumped her two other friends. Scatterbrain laughed at the sign. Leon cringed. “You sure you want to go in, Dorothy?” he asked. Dorothy set her hands on her bony hips and glared at the big bear of a man. “You been doing coke again, Chickens***?”
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited July 22, 2009).]
posted
If Golden Path = Yellow Brick Road, it doesn't appear to go too far, at least not physically. Inside, I'm anticipating Munchkins; witches, perhaps spelled with a 'b'; Flying Monkeys could be the name of a drink. Toto?
What's not apparent in the first 13 is the conflict, even though the gritty setting provides a little tension. It appears they are still in Kansas and aren't wishing to go home.
This is a reverse Oz tale. Dorothy is in her early twenties, a decade of living a runaway's life (a couple of years after she wished her way home). She is after those shoes, selling them for a score yaers ago.
Haven't figure out how to work in Toto. Maybe a pitbull named Otto?
posted
Dorothy hoped off the back of the Harley and shook her head at the neon sign over the bar on Martin Luther King drive. A gaudy yellow rectangle glowed, almost drowning out the words identifying the local barfly magnet. The Golden Path. “This the place?” Hard*ss asked while setting the kickstand. “If there is a such thing as poetic justice it is.” A Pontiac with a broken headlight turned into the parking lot and pulled alongside the pair. Out jumped her two other friends. Scatterbrain laughed at the sign. Leon cringed. “You sure you want to go in, Dorothy?” he asked. Dorothy set her hands on her bony hips and glared at the big bear of a man. “You been doing coke again, Chickens***?” -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It would hook me if you did a couple of things.
First, give some transition between her friends getting out of the car and cringing and laughing. That disjointed me some. Unless they can teleport, which is cool, but then they don't need the car and I still want something like, "they materialized out of the car onto the pavement outside the dingy bar" you know? I think you might have a wicked sense of humor, but alas, I can't see it save the last few lines.
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