I have a short story of 3,315 words that I would like feedback on. The story is about a guy who comes into work and begins having the typical trouble that we all do with our computers, but as the story continues, it becomes clear that he has been marked as a virus by the machine, which is trying to eliminate him. If anybody is willing to read, please let me know.
Here are the first 13. I enter into the situation gradually, because it is more or less a mystery what is happening until the end. If you want to read more after reading these 13, I'll send you the whole thing.
The beginning might be too boring. Tell me what you think.
Jonathan came into work Monday morning tired and hung over. Inside his skull, he could feel the leprechaun he must have swallowed the night before when he downed his sixth Irish Car Bomb. It was hammering on his brain with the sharp end of a pickaxe. He hadn’t fallen asleep until 4 a.m. and he had awoken at 6 to go to work. Every few minutes since, a feeling of nausea had swept over him. Each time, he choked back the vomit floating up his throat. He sat down at the chair he had finally managed to calibrate perfectly during his last three years at the newspaper. As a reporter and during the last two years as editorial page editor, he had experimented with finding the proper height position for the chair as well as the right amount of give when leaning back.
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A recurring point in the critique of opening lines is that the first page is greatest opportunity the story has to catch an editor's attention. Because we think editors do so, we look for (in various order depending on personal opinions):
1. Elements of the speculative genre. The first post above alludes to a paranormal computer, but that doesn't show in the opening text.
2. Threat or tension that is causing conflict for the main character. Here we have the symptoms of a hangover and a three-year struggle with an ergonomic chair. While I can sympathize in both of those cases, they aren't really threatening and don't point to a conflict that could carry a story plot.
3. Strong/likable/sympathetic characters--main character in a short story, more of them in a novel. Jonathan is identified as the main and point of view character, but that's all. We don't get any interaction with other characters or with a source of conflict to get a feel for him.
4. Strong, clear writing. I think this story has that. I particularly like the leprechaun and his pick ax. Others might find some, but I couldn't come up with any editing nits.
My suggestion is to bring in the computer early. Perhaps start with Jonathan at his desk where his suffering from the hangover and struggles with the chair, if needed at all, are smoothly blended with something that shows strange behavior by the computer. The paranormal element and threat might then form the hook. Another possibility, if strange computer behavior builds slowly, is to show some later threatening action and then a "Why didn't I see it coming" flashback--but better than that cliche.
[This message has been edited by JeffBarton (edited July 31, 2009).]
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