posted
Have a short short story (2500 words) that is finished, and I'm looking for some feedback. Here's the first 13:
As I walk past the double-doors I hear their rattling like I have a thousand times before, but the sound has never grated against my perception as it does now. I wonder again if it is the wind, but then a deeper more desperate part of me asks if it might not be someone trapped, a prisoner held down here in the lowest basements of the building.
I turn down the hall to my left and the image of an animal, ferocious and black and twisted erupting from the double-doors blossoms from within the dark corner of my mind, and I’m suddenly aware of just how dim the lights in the hallway are, how quiet it is but for the rattling echo, and how unaccountably late the hour finds me. Might not there be some evil beast awaiting on the other side of those doors?
posted
I am confused. Where are we? In the deepest basements -- that means underground, doesn't it? So why would he think it is the wind?
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posted
Guess to me "wind" sounded a bit better, instead of "pressure-driven air currents of the air-circulation system". A generic way of saying it. Does "wind" imply ground level and outside? I'm just using it to say something about the movement of air. Is that wrong?
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posted
To me, yes, wind implies atmospheric pressure differences causing the air to move, therefore above ground. A question about that also, if he has walked past those doors a thousand times, wouldn't that remove any mystery about what is making the noise? I would just take the wind part out and start the sentence at "A deep, desperate..." Although I do wonder why he is even thinking this, the opening is well written and visually impactful, I just don't know why I care.
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posted
When I read this I thought they were the doors to outside. I re-evaluated when you mention the basement. Then the narrator is thinking about an animal bursting through them, which made me think they were doors to outside again.
So I agree, you should go with AC or air currents or something more man-made than wind.
posted
So, why not have him wonder what sort of wind there could be DOWN HERE to cause them to jiggle?
I am sorry. I wind up trying to show what I mean. I can’t seem to keep from diddling. I think a bit of judicious pruning could help. I think shorter sentences might help with the tension.
As I walk past the double-doors, I hear their rattling like I have a thousand times before. What sort of wind do we have down here in the lowest basement that could shake them so violently? A deeper more desperate part of me asks if it might not be someone trapped, a prisoner held down here and beating desperately, hoping someone free will hear.
I shudder as I turn down the hall to my left. The image of an animal, ferocious and black and twisted erupting from the double-doors blossoms within the dark corner of my mind, and I’m suddenly aware of just how dim the lights in the hallway are. But for the rattling echo, there is no sound or other inhabitant at this late hour. I am alone.
Might there be some evil beast on the other side of those doors?
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 29, 2009).]
I had written -- this unaccountably late hour -- and it's been bothering me. That adverb feels wrong, so I took it out.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 29, 2009).]
posted
Have you tried writing it in a different perspective? I like first person becasuse it gets you inside the character's head but it also requires a personal touch I think. You could add some reasoning for why he/she sees the door that particular way that may intrigue a reader.
Or you could write in third person and in this way I think the details might jump out more. You could take power over the details in a way that might you give you more room.
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