posted
Redoing an old story. Looking for general comments
The blue Klirn floated over the road as gracefully as a balloon on a string, his thin, flat arms rolling like kelp anchored in the ocean. He landed, grasped his three-digit hands together and shuffled toward the human foreman supervising the work in front of the aliens’ North American headquarters. Clothed in a large loose robe, the alien looked like a Tibetan monk on a stroll after meditation, an image that mocked all the monks stood for. Carl Baker stopped working to watch the foreman cower before the alien overlord. The rest of the human servants kept their heads low and averted their eyes. Carl knew that wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. The alien conquerors were technically blind. They couldn’t make eye contact because they had no eyes to make contact with.
quote:Clothed in a large loose robe, the alien looked like a Tibetan monk on a stroll after meditation, an image that mocked all the monks stood for.
I found myself thinking "I wonder if this means the Klim aren't good", but I wasn't sure. It might help if you were more specific about which aspects of the monks the Klim were a mockery of. And perhaps a little attitude, something like:
Clothed in a large loose robe, the alien looked like a humble, peace-loving Tibetan monk on a stroll after meditation. What a mockery!
Perhaps not the voice you would use, but I hope it gets my point across...
posted
Your first reaction to that line is the one that I am after. The aliens are oppressive and cruel. This piece is a little bit dark so your suggestion What a mockery! would be a bit out of place in my opinion, but thanks. I do get your point. Another person I showed this to had a problem with that line as well.
I agree with NoTimeToThink, I didn't know how it was a mockery, or why. A little more description of Klirn's motivations maybe?
At first read, I misunderstood the human foreman to be supervising the aliens, until the second paragraph showing him cowering. Maybe this sentence needs changing as well:
quote: He landed, grasped his three-digit hands together and shuffled toward the human foreman supervising the work in front of the aliens’ North American headquarters.
I can't think of a better way to say this sentence, maybe needs rephrasing to keep readers such as myself misunderstanding (maybe it was perfectly clear to others).
Also I think the last sentence could use some rework to be even more attention grabbing. I think that the no eyes, technically blind concept is catchy and makes me want to read on to find out why. But it could be even more attention grabbing, maybe leave out the "technically blind" phrase, and say how they couldn't make eye contact... 'but could see straight through to your inner motivations.' Again, I don't know what is your overall theme or reasoning for the story, would have to be your idea and voice, but those are my humble suggestions.
posted
The blue Klirn floated over the road as gracefully as a balloon on a string, his thin, flat arms rolling like kelp anchored in the ocean[this sentences has two analogies: as gracefully like a balloon on string AND rolling like kelp... I think you should avoid mixing analogies in a single sentence. The sentence needs re-structuring to avoid three different visual elements: The floating alien; the floating balloon; the waving kelp] . He landed, grasped his three-digit hands together and shuffled toward the human foreman supervising the work in front of the aliens’ North American headquarters. Clothed in a large loose robe, the alien looked like a Tibetan monk on a stroll after meditation, an image that mocked all the monks stood for. Carl Baker stopped working to watch the foreman cower before the alien overlord. The rest of the human servants kept their heads low and averted their eyes. Carl knew that wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. The alien conquerors were technically blind. They couldn’t make eye contact because they had no eyes to make contact with.
I think the POV comes in a little late and is not consistent. You could mention Carl is the POV in line one and then what follows will be his POV, rather than being what feels like omniscient.
Also you mention a human foreman in the first paragraph. I don't think Carl would think of him in these terms (human) as that is the default. Carl may know this guy's name so you could avoid this easily.
...shuffled towards Jack Williams, the foreman supervising...
The alien conquerors were technically blind. They couldn’t make eye contact because they had no eyes to make contact with.
The second sentence is redundant--although it is the better sentence. I would suggest deleting the first and leaving the second.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited September 06, 2009).]
I've read the earlier version...Happy to read the new one once it's done.
As per Skadder, I'd establish the POV straight away. I'd also cut the first simile (balloon one) as this, IMO, is the weaker one. The Tibetan monk image lacks the specificity needed, as a few others have mentioned.
posted
Yeah, it's all been said Generally sharp, but give us Carl's POV right from the off, tighten the monk reference, and be clearer about the blindness issue.
posted
Thanks everyone. Still a work in progress. I have it written, it's the rewrite that makes me grown. Thanks for the invitations to read. I may hit you up once it is finished.
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
Generally sharp, but give us Carl's POV right from the off, tighten the monk reference, and be clearer about the blindness issue.
