posted
I still hear the drum. Some mornings, when the light has that violet tinge--you know, the colour you get at dawn in the South--and I'm still half-asleep, it begins. I hear each strike. And the dawn-light slipping past the wooden blinds levers open my weary eyes. I'm caught, like a rabbit in a lamp's beam, by the the distant rythym. It gets faster. It's a drum--for a few more dark moments, at any rate. But then I know; it's my heart beating. The drummer is in me now. Afterwards, I vomit on the floorboards of my shack. I know he plays for me and the beat he pounds out lets me live as a man; I fear one day he will stop, and the hunger will come again.
[This message has been edited by Thor's-hammer (edited September 13, 2009).]
I think my only comment would be to drop 'wooden' before 'blinds'. There's a lot of description in that sentence and wooden doesn't seem to be that important. It would make that spot a little less dense.
posted
Thanks, but I haven't finished writing it. I wanted to check if the voice seemed right--y'know, had the right feel.
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Some mornings, when the light has that violet tinge--you know, the colour you get at dawn in the South--and I'm still half-asleep, it begins. Nice image, but the sentence seems too cluttered and awkward for so early in the story. Maybe cut out the "you know" and the half-asleep comment which doesn't seem to add anything to the story. "Some mornings, when the light has that violet tinge you get at dawn in the South, it begins." Or something like that, which I think keeps it tighter and keeps the focus on the drums.
I hear each strike. The first sentence, short and snappy and given its own paragraph worked brilliantly. This is much weaker and so soon after the short opening paragraph, somehow seems to lessen the impact of that first sentence. I'd cut this altogether. Also, "hear each strike" brings to mind the sound of a bell rather than the pounding of a drum.
And the dawn-light slipping past the wooden blinds levers open my weary eyes. Awkward sentence which seemed to slow the pace of the opening. Not sure why you chose to begin this paragraph with "And" either.
It's a drum You opened the story with "I still hear the drum" and since then you've not given the reader reason to question whether the drums are real or not, so this confused me for a moment. In fact, I think the whole slow dawning realization of what the drums actually are could be a little stronger.
posted
I still hear the drum. Hey Thorton! Long time, no see. How's Odom been treating you? When's Ragnarok suppose to happen? Let's see what you got...
quote:you know, the colour you get at dawn in the South
Consider...
the colour of dawn in the South
quote:I hear each strike.
I agree with Monstrewer on this one. Great line but 'strike' makes me wonder if it is the word you want. Maybe beat might work better.
quote:And the dawn-light slipping past the wooden blinds levers open my weary eyes. I'm caught, like a rabbit in a lamp's beam, by the the distant rythym. It gets faster.
Cut And. wooden blinds levers is a mouth full. Double the. I believe rythym is missing an 'h'. Finally, It gets faster needs something. Like... It then gets faster
quote:It's a drum--for a few more dark moments, at any rate.
at any rate could either mean 'speed' or 'also' in this connotation.
Not a bad opening. Writing style reminds me of...hmmmm, can't put my finger on it. It'll come to me eventually.
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