Revised:

There was the merest whisper of singing--a delicate and ethereal voice--and with each step Jack took down the gallery's gloomy corridor it became stronger and more distinct.
"That's wierd, Dad. Someone's singing in there." Jack said, turning to his father at his side. He waved his champagne flute in the direction of the sound--the Renaissance Art Room. Champagne sloshed out and splashed onto the marble floor.
"Careful, Jack." Jack's father turned to the security guard escorting them from the party for the private viewing. "Don't slip on that. A little spillage."
"I won't, sir," the guard said skirting the spot.
His father turned back. "No, Jack. I hear nothing." He paused. "But your mother used to hear whispers. They say it's a haunted picture."

Revised (2)

I drifted from the party and its small talk, a glass of champagne clutched in my hand. One of the gallery's security guards peeled away from the crowd, like a spitfire, to loiter watchfully behind me, a walkie-talkie clasped in his hand.
I wondered if the picture was still there, after all these years; the question had been on the edge of my mind since Lucy told me the venue she'd booked for our engagement party.
My mother would drag me to the gallery every Monday afternoon, come rain or shine. We'd walk along wide empty corridors until we reached the Italian Renaissance Room where she'd stare at a painting--The Nymph Echo--for at least an hour.
"We're special, Jack," she said once, her eyes dreamy and detached, "...the painting only whispers to me. One day, she'll sing for you."

BTW...this a sci-fi story.

The 3rd paragraph, you go into a flashback, and it feels a bit long to me:

quote:

---

My mother would take me to the gallery every Monday afternoon, come rain or shine. We'd walk along the wide corridors past silent rooms filled with contemporary art, past others with Dutch masters or French impressionists (consider lifting everything from "past" to here and use the description in the present, maybe as he's wandering down the corridor) until we reached the Italian renaissance art. We'd sit upon a wooden bench and she'd look at a (it is a very specific painting - "the") painting of a nymph for ages. Then we'd leave. (lose the last sentence - not sure it adds anything)

---

In light of what you reveal in the last paragraph, I would consider changing the 2nd paragraph. His main interest is whether the painting will whisper to him, not whether it is there.

Overall, I like the idea and would read on.

I think he just wants to see if the picture his mother liked is still there. She is now dead.

Teasing in that he doesn't believe his mother would definitely make the hook stronger. Not that I'm saying it needs it, necessarily, but it might be interesting to see how you can foreshadow that in a word or turn of phrase.

Edited to add:
Oh yeah, one thing that did kind of bug me is how he so casually decides to check out the painting, as if he had nothing better to do, having bored with the party and all. But then he switches to being keen on seeing the painting, with no apparent trigger.

Spilling the champagne is okay but once again, jars because the explanation goes on too long. You’re putting too many words between Jack’s comment and the more important response from his father. Hmmm, could you replace “in the direction of the sound” with a clear but shorter “toward the Renaissance Room” - ???? We know we’re in a gallery. Perhaps it’s a museum instead. Gloomy museum corridor could work. Well, maybe not, just a suggestion.

The champagne doesn’t have to both slosh out AND spill. Redundant. I’d keep the sloshing.

It’s been so long since we heard Jack mention the singing – maybe his father is uneasy about it and that’s why. Jack could mention it again as if he thought his father hadn’t heard him the first time. That would be more interesting storywise – my opinion. Oh, just noticed. You have – careful Jack – followed by “Jack’s father…” Jack twice there. A plain “his father” would suffice, don’t you think? And put us more clearly in Jack’s pov?

Then your last paragraph wouldn’t work. Sorry. It was a bit lame compared to the rest of this.

Think of Jack saying something like “She’s singing the opening aria from La Boheme. And his father brusquely brushes it off. Maybe the guard listens a second (it’s his job to watch out for intruders) and says he doesn’t hear anything and Jack’s father apologizes that Jack has had a bit too much champagne. Maybe adds that his mother used to hear singing in there, too, from one of the paintings. They both have a laugh.

anyway, just my opinion

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited October 09, 2009).]

No, it's not lame. It's very evocative.

But, another nit from me.
Okay, another harder to pin down nit –

There was the merest whisper of singing--a delicate and ethereal voice--and with each step Jack took down the gloomy gallery's corridor it became stronger and more distinct.
"That's wierd, Dad. Someone's singing in there." Jack said, turning to his father at his side. He waved his champagne flute in the direction of the sound--the Renaissance Art Room.

As I said, nit. Either – my opinion - you need to make Jack’s progress down the corridor more open as in “…the sound was becoming more distinct.”

Or, something like – waved his champagne flute toward the Renaissance Room up ahead.
Maybe even both.
Well, once again, just my opinion and this time I’m having trouble explaining why your version jarred. Sorry. I do like this version better than the first one. That first one didn’t draw me in at all so I never commented on it.

I have this great story, that I can't find a decent start for.

i think the first version or a version of it was better.

I guess I'm the minority opinion.

In #1 and 3 - to me, my opinion - you're confusing information with story.

The 1st worked okay, but because I'm not familiar with art history, I stumbled across Dutch master, French Impressionists, and Italian renessaince. Mainly my mind blanked. I'd suggest one or two out. The rest read fine. But a couple of details: Should we know this is a painting of a nymph early on? Also does the painting wishper to her - or the nymph? How does mother perceive it?

In the 3rd one, Jack seems more annoyed and purposeful. There is an undercurrent of dislike for the place. I like that the painting has a name now; fits better rather than just a painting of a nymph. It implys the painting is well known or famous. Do you prefer it was a famous work? Or something largely ignored?

I liked the 2nd the best, partly because the 3rd person narration puts a little distance between us and Jack and let's us focus on the painting and the singing. I liked how it started - a delicate ethereal voice - which gives the story a supernatural gothic feel (like the faint sounds of a damsel singing somewhere castle). Unfortunately, when jack spoke it seemed to smash and disrupt that quiet delicate scene. Maybe jack could gesture to his dad to follow him. Also the scene where the dad warns the guard seems like extra dialogue - perhaps have the dad simply motion the guard to be careful as they are escorted? I think no dialogue in this case helps increases the tension of the scene. We (the readers) would be focused on the singing, then the painting, with Jack and Dad adding clues and their personal history with it. Could also have dad be clueless about mom, and add a little double entendre: "You know, you're mother loved that painting. It really spoke to her." Hehe, I love that kinda stuff.

Oh well lunch break over. Hope some of it helped. Considering it's SCIFI i'm intrigued by the story and possibilities - so props on hooking within the first 13!

I think you were right to go back to opening with the party in revision 2. I have lots of little things here and there (see below) that could be tweaked, but at the end of the day, that doesn't change the feel of this opening too much. The painting element has a lot of potential (e.g. Dorian Grey), but it's hard to feel engaged when your main character doesn't seem too interested himself. As I say, I think you're right to start at the party. I guess if Jack was more hooked on this painting, so would I be.

Here are my little niggly bits:

'like a spitfire' - I would keep something there for the sake of pace, but perhaps change the simile; I'm not sure I like spitfire guards. I always think of spitfires being out front and attacking things, rather than lurking in the background

'walkie-talkie clasped in his hand' - I think this could be safely cut, and/or replaced with another bit of info. Security guards usually have some sort of walkie-talkie thing anyway, so you don't need to state it.

'I wondered if the painting' - I'd suggest 'I wanted to see if the painting' instead, because it would tie into 'I drifted from the party' more directly. As it is, Jack is just wandering about, and doesn't seem too interested in the painting.

'My mother would drag me to the gallery' - for clarity of time / tense, I would suggest 'mother used to drag me', 'mother had dragged me', 'when I was a child my mother would drag me', etc. Just something a bit more definitely in the past.

You could perhaps resurrect 'past silent rooms of contemporary art' and slot it into 'We'd walk along wide empty corridors, [...], until we reached', just for the nice distinction between the silent rooms of art and the whispering of the nymph painting.

I'd drop 'for at least an hour'. I don't think it's too important just how long she stared at it, only that she did. Maybe an extra word to make it less abrupt, something like 'where she'd stare at a single painting: The Nymph Echo.'

*

Anyway, I would read on for a bit longer, but something would need to catch me. Doesn't have to be a really strong 'and then the roof caved in and a falling beam severed my arm' ridiculous hook, just something intriguing.

If your sending it out when it's done, I'll take a look .

Daniel.