posted
Another dark fantasy/horror story. Looking for the usual--comments on the 13 or offers to read the whole 4.5k Thanks.
“Your men don’t like you.” Elizabeth didn’t look at Richard as she spoke. She leaned on the railing of the Medusa, her blonde hair rippling in the warm Indian wind.
Richard clasped his hands behind his back and stole a sideways glance at her profile. If only this war was over and he was home in London, then he would be able to entertain this lady, impress her with his wit and his wealth. Here, surrounded by filthy, foul-mouthed louts with sweat-soaked chests, he knew as well as anybody that he was out of his element. Not for the first time, he cursed his father for securing his youngest son such a commission.
“As you may know, Miss Wenley, it is not important for the men to like their Captain. Only that they respect him.”
[This message has been edited by monstewer (edited October 06, 2009).]
posted
Just my opinion but I think you're putting too many words between her dialogue and his reply. Yes, the setting/situation needs to be made clear. However, a lot of that info might be more interesting in back-and-forth dialogue rather than his internalization which is little more than an info dump. It's also rather generic rather than specific. He could say something on the lines of offering an invitation to attend the what are those famous races in England once this ____ war is over. Or to a hunt weekend out in the Scottish Highlands. With a ball -- for the locals, oh, do say yes, he says. You'll have a jolly good time. Not like here.
Make it active and interesting and you have the added bonus of showing us their characters.
Is she flirting with him? Teasing him? Or is she deadly serious and worried for him?
posted
Agree that the dialogue response is too separated. I'd rather you started with Richard to firmly establish POV right up front.
I don't mind starting wih that second paragraph; I like it. But it might be more effective if grounded more in the setting, like this: "Richard clasped his hands behind his back and stole a sideways glance at [Elizabeth's] profile. She leaned on the railing of the Medusa, her blonde hair rippling in the warm Indian wind. If only this war ..." Can we see the sweaty louts working? Hear their coarse language?
As for Elizabeth's state of mind, I'd like to know his perception. Is she unfathomable? Friendly? Standoffish?
What is his level of attraction? How well does he know her? Is his immediate focus primarily on his own plight or on the lady? I expect these things to be revealed soon, in the context of conversation.
You have many fine details here. Keep at it!
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 06, 2009).]
posted
“Your men don’t like you.” Elizabeth didn’t look at Richard as she spoke. She leaned on the railing of the Medusa, her blonde hair rippling in the warm Indian wind. Richard clasped his hands behind his back and stole a sideways glance at her profile. If only this war was over and he was home in London, then he would be able to entertain this lady, impress her with his wit and his wealth. Here, surrounded by filthy, foul-mouthed louts with sweat-soaked chests, he knew as well as anybody that he was out of his element. Not for the first time, he cursed his father for securing his youngest son such a commission. “As you may know, Miss Wenley, it is not important for the men to like their Captain. Only that they respect him.”
1.The first paragraph is confusing for a reader as it contains no clues that Elizabeth isn't the POV character (if this is meant to be omniscient then you failed to establish it clearly). It is only in the subsequent paragraph that it is evident that that Richard is the POV character. This confusion weakens your bond with the reader at the precise moment you are trying to establish it.
I think you need to nail down in that first paragraph who the POV character is to avoid the confusion.
2. The second paragraph talks about him stealing a glance at her despite the previous paragraph being all about (retrospectively) him looking at her (she's not looking at him and her hair is rippling in the breeze). This is jarring as I am wondering who was looking at her before--is Richard really the POV?
3. I agree, too much intra-conversation exposition, the last two lines can be dropped. Besides, the last line feels forced...and is ambiguous as it sounds like his father secured his (Richard's) youngest son something. It would be infinitely clearer to say '...he cursed his father for securing hm such a commission.' Is there anything about being the second son (inheritance?) that can't be woven in later?
I can't say I am hooked. The prose is competent but there is no hint of speculation. Is the Medusa a club in Calcutta or a boat moored inthe harbour or on the high seas? I think the later, but it would only require a few words to confirm that and firm it up.
4. I think you could identify his emotional response to her a little clearer. I am getting nothing.
posted
One small thing, I believe it would read better if you told us where she did look, rather than where she didn't look, in that first line, even if she just looked "away" from him. The negative there felt out of place. Or perhaps give it some tension, like she "refused" to look at him or "couldn't".
I experienced the same momentary POV confusion noted by another commentor, which contributed to the awkwardness I felt when reading that first line. Establishing the POV before that line might help.
Otherwise, it appears to be a nice start! Several threads of interest are unfolding (his dissatisfaction with his commission, tension between him and his crew, and the frustrated romantic feelings towards the other character).
posted
Agree with the "several threads of interest" to the extent that I don't need a speculative element yet.
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posted
Yeah, I wondered about the whole "get the speculative element in as soon as you can" in regards to a horror story. If I put my speculative element in the first 13, I'd have a remarkably short story.
Thanks for the comments so far, very helpful as usual.
posted
The first line is pretty strong but I hate to say that the rest doesn't grab me. The Captain seems like an arrogant rich boy, which he well may be, but he lacks interest to me. There is nothing to suggest that he's different somehow.
Elizabeth has the potential to be interesting but other than the opening line we aren't seeing her personality yet. Might this opening be stronger if it were told from her pov? Just a thought.
I would read a little further to see if I could get interested in the characters but if something didn't jump soon it might be tough to hold me.
posted
I’m reading another new book on Plotting – THE ART OF PLOTTING by Linda Cowgill. On page 16 she puts into words what I was trying to in my comments.
We see who they are [your characters], not in the stories [or internalizations/info/background like your 2nd paragraph]they tell, but in the actions and reactions that define them [what I meant about their having more of a conversation where what you told us becomes apparent in their actions and reactions].
posted
I agree with previous comments that dialogue is too separated and description is a bit much in the middle. my suggestions for cutting the description down:
quote: Richard clasped his hands behind his back and stole a sideways glance at her profile.
Good!
quote: If only this war was over and he was home in London, then he would be able to entertain this lady, impress her with his wit and his wealth.
maybe Richard could express this thought in a comment to Elizabeth.
quote: Here, surrounded by filthy, foul-mouthed louts with sweat-soaked chests, he knew as well as anybody that he was out of his element. Not for the first time, he cursed his father for securing his youngest son such a commission.
this part is too much, can be revealed later in stages...such as sweat soaked louts jostled by them...
I like the first line "your men don't like you." good hook. then immediately describe Richard's reaction to this statement, this should establish that he is the POV.
*edited to get quotes to display right
[This message has been edited by LlessurNire (edited October 07, 2009).]
posted
I have to agree that I find the Captain's richness and arrogance make it hard to like him. I don't actively dislike him yet, but I could be made to if it continues. Was this intended?
Other than that, "his father for securing his youngest son" doesn't work for me.
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