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» Hatrack River Writers Workshop » Forums » Fragments and Feedback for Short Works » The Saint and The Rose - noir/supernatural

   
Author Topic: The Saint and The Rose - noir/supernatural
g33ky monk3y
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Another from my serial short story blog. I can send a link to the finished story or email the whole thing. Right now, I don't have an on how long it will run. It's at 5,936 words now. The story starts out noir, but slowly introduces supernatural elements. In chapter three the main character meets a psychic medium and it just gets weird from there.


Itís raining outside. Business is always slow when it rains. No one wants to get wet, splashing through puddles just to see me. I havenít had a client all month. Thatís a lot of rain.

My name is Harry. Harry St. James. I donít know who the hell James was, but he must have done some good or else he wouldnít have been a saint. Sure, Iím religious. As religious as the next Joe. I ainít a saint though.

I take another drink. It burns going down. Keeps me awake. The bottle is almost empty. With how much this one cost me, Iím going to need to decide something real soon. Either I keep the power on, or get another bottle.


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adamatom
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A classic intro. I would definitely read on.
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dee_boncci
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I'm a sucker for the noir voice sometimes, so I'd likely stay with this one for a while. I'd suggest considering the addition of a few specifics in the opening, like his profession. He's introducing himself and mentioning his business: it feels manipulative that what he does is held back. What he's drinking is another possibility. Small things like that can help the reader picture (and hopefully embrace) the character more quickly and more readily.
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TLH
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I liked it. I thought you got that noir voice perfectly. It hooks you form the get-go.
I wasn't too keen on the St.James part. I think that sort of complicates it a little. You could shorten it to James, which would still maintain the connotations you're trying for with the name choice. What I'm saying, is I get that he's got the name of a saint and he's sitting there in his office emptying a bottle - the contrast of it. He's got conflicting responsibilities. I just feel you could make it a little more subtle by removing the 'st' part.

I really liked it though. And the rain just sets the tone.
That's a lot of rain. Love it.

Regards,
Tony.

[This message has been edited by TLH (edited November 29, 2009).]


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Foste
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Very fine stuff indeed!

You did a great job on the narrative, and in a few sentences you already established a "feel" for the character.

I'd definitely read on.


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jamescrofoot
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I sure would like to know his profession, it reads like an old detective story.
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adamatom
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Your writing style varies drastically from story to story. I'm impressed. Either you have a exceptional skill or a team of ghost writers.
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NoTimeToThink
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The voice is definitely there. I agree with the other posters - he must be a detective, but something more direct than my expectation needs to validate that.

The first paragraph could be shorter and still serve its purpose:

quote:
Itís raining, and I havenít had a client all month. Business is always slow when it rains.

It may just be me, but "I take another drink." felt odd, like he was telling himself that he was doing this. Might be better if the paragraph started:

quote:
The gin burns going down...

Overall, very nice...


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g33ky monk3y
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Thanks. Because of sickness and work, my writing has been kind of sparse. Trying to work on a edits for two other stories before jumping back into this one. I did make a slight change on everyone's advice.

Itís raining outside. Business is always slow when it rains. No one wants to get wet, splashing through puddles just to see a private dick. I havenít had a client all month. Thatís a lot of rain.

I never thought about actually saying what his job is until it was pointed out. Makes sense. Thanks.


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