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Safe aboard his escaping life pod, Morales wondered why the pirates had attacked and what he was going to do next.

His family’s trading ship, the only home he had ever known, shrunk rapidly in the view port as the pod hurtled away. The pirate attack ship was still visible, clinging to the ship’s underbelly like a gorging parasite. He hesitated. What if his mother, his sisters, his father, what if they could still be saved? No. Father had been specific in his instructions, and Morales had seen the blood, the bodies. He finished keying in the kill sequence and watched as the ship exploded in a fiery ball and sent angry flames chasing after his pod.

“Sorry, Father.” Morales said. Father’s eyes had glazed empty with death, right after he handed Morales the package.

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The opening line, while exciting, doesn’t really fit – in my opinion.

Why? Everything he’s ever known is being destroyed. I think he’d be evidencing emotion right here. Hatred? Fear? Gut wrenching anxiety because he’s going to blow the two ships up? You just have him “wondering why” which isn’t even really cold, but empty.

Some stoic, hardened characters could probably achieve that state, but a young boy in this situation?
I think, cut that line and drop to the next paragraph. [Also put in some attitude from Morales in form of adjectives maybe. It's not a pirate ship but a xxxxxxx pirate ship]

His family’s trading ship[name it in full here], the only home Morales had ever known, shrunk rapidly in the view port as the cramped escape pod hurtled away. The dxmned pirate ship still clung to the (shortened name of ship)’s underbelly like a gorging parasite.

Morales hesitated. What if his mother, his sisters, his father[reading on further Father IS dead and son knows it so why wonder here if Father could be saved?], what if they could still be saved? No. He had seen their bloody bodies. With a shaking hand he keyed in the kill sequence and watched both ships explode in a fiery ball (and sent angry flames chasing after his pod. – would flames really do that in space? Besides, his pod has gone quite a distance already?)

You say - Father’s eyes had glazed empty with death, right after he handed Morales the package.

A bit dramatic for my taste. You are saying Father handed over the package and died immediately. My mind is wondering how everyone else got slaughtered, Father’s dying, and here is son Morales unscathed and able to get to the escape pod with pirates aboard? Or was the ship shot up and everyone got hurt before the pirates boarded? But then how was it shot up so there was no need for bulky spacesuits these last moments?

You don’t need a full info dump, but cook up some telling details as you spin this out to answer questions like these.

Just suggestions.

The story starts at a crucial point, action is present but the text isn't cluttered with it. For the first 13 lines I must say, I got fairly engaged with the story.

Now a bit more information on what actually happened might not be bad. No lengthy descriptions, just a bit foreshadowing maybe?

arriki - your advice is helpful, I hadn't even noticed how passive the original 'wondering why' was. I had thought I was being clever and hooky. I considered the rest of your comments and applied most of them.

I am encouraged by everyone else's comments that this is at least a good place to start. I am going to rework what I have written already, to make this my new start, I'll work in some of the backstory with little comments here and there as the action progresses, and I am going to chop up a lot of what I had previously written to make it work.

Here is revised version:

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Safe aboard his escaping life pod, Morales grieved. He stared out the view port in shocked disbelief. Why had the pirates attacked, and what was he going to do now?

His family’s trading ship, Heart’s Home, shrunk rapidly as his pod hurtled away. The malevolent pirate ship still clung to the ship’s underbelly like a gorged parasite. He hesitated. What if his mother and sisters could still be saved? No. Father had been specific in his instructions, and Morales had seen the blood, the bodies. His hands shook as he keyed in the kill sequence. Instantly both ships exploded in brief flame as their oxygen supplies ignited and spewed angry shrapnel.

“Sorry, Father.” Morales said. Father’s eyes had glazed empty with death after he told Morales about the package. It

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You say “he grieved” and then you say he stared “in shocked disbelief.” The next sentence has two topics – why had the pirates attacked and what was he going to do now.

Reading down we learn exactly what he’s going to do now. So, pretending he hasn’t a clue is cheating the reader.

First, the grieving. We don’t see it. You tell us he feels that and then move on to his shocked disbelief.

Opinion here. I doubt the shocked disbelief. He’s had time to get over that. He’s not disbelieving. The pirate ship did not just suddenly appear. It takes time to approach a ship, to overtake a moving ship. Unless it came out of hyperspace right on the spot, the Heart’s Home has had an hour, a day – time to prepare. Was there no negotiation going on about let us have what we want and you’ll reach port? And, the good guys, do they always have their ship rigged to explode? It’s not something juryrigged during that anxious time between when they see the problem and the nasties make it “the only solution”? I’m kind of suspicious about mom and all siblings being killed before any of them reach the pod. That would seem to mean the pirates fired on the Home and did damage from a distance. A lucky shot. It hit the living quarters but seals fell into place preserving the area where Morales and Father were. Unless there was a window, then, how did he SEE the blood and death? Father was badly injured by that shot, too. That leaves Morales to receive the mysterious package and head for the pod.

Now why would the pirate ship fail to notice the pod leaving and not react to that? Stupidity? Even if they popped fortunately close to the Home from a hyperspace exit, wouldn’t they be scanning their prey like crazy for just such desperate actions?

This isn’t necessarily scenes you have to show, but starting out this way, you should be aware of these questions and answer them in little details.

What is he feeling as he stares out at the expletive expletive pirate ship?

Personal opinion – I doubt he’s deep into grief yet. He has hours and days ahead for that as his pod goes where ever. He’s probably scared the pirates will see the pod. He’s furious they killed his family. Maybe feeling a bit angry at his father for taking the commission to deliver the mysterious package and getting everyone killed. I bet he’s crying. Snot running down his face. He has to wipe it on his sleeve before he grabs the kill switch. Does he bare his teeth as he presses the button and shout expletives as he watches those sons of b’ bastxxxx get torn apart? Both ships explode in silence. A few seconds later he hears the pings of pieces of his home and shrapnel from the pirates hit his fragile pod. Then he really starts crying. He’ll do his wondering after he’s worked through the first paroxysm of his grief. As I said, as the pod journeys on he’ll have lots of time to ponder all sorts of stuff.

Anyway, I got a little carried away thinking about what might have happened.

Disbelief and shock are reasonable emotions in such a situation.
When a person (in most cases) experiences something horrible, their mind just tries to shove everything away. It is something of a self-defense mechanism.

Grief could be well-incorporated into later parts.

The emotional detachment at the moment is fine, because of the traumatic experience of loosing everything. Even though, it seems there should be more feeling going on.

It feels odd that he is referred to as Morales (usually a last name) in the same sentences as his family. Kind of impersonal.

The fiery explosion in space, although cool and cinematic, not very realistic. So, if you’re going for space opera ala Star Wars, explosions are fine. However, the silent action depicted in Serenity/Firefly (my favorite) is more accurate to the real world.

His family’s trading ship, Heart’s Home, shrunk rapidly as his pod hurtled away. The malevolent pirate ship still clung to the ship’s underbelly like a gorged parasite. He hesitated. What if his mother and sisters could still be saved? No. Father had been specific in his instructions, and Morales had seen the blood, the bodies. His hands shook as he keyed in the kill sequence. Instantly both ships exploded in brief flame as their oxygen supplies ignited and spewed angry shrapnel.

“Sorry, Father.” Morales said. Father’s eyes had glazed empty with death after he told Morales about the package. It

I think this has some fundamental flaws.

The first line feels like telling...

I would suggest putting yourself in the escape pod and imagining how you would be reacting to the situation. I don't think I would feel safe in a small escape pod after living in a big ship--I would feel exposed and vulnerable--trapped--a target; neither would I be grieving--the pirates are close by and could presumably still blow me up with well aimed shot/laser. I think my mind would be reeling with the images I'd seen and my face would be pressed against the viewport looking for any twitches in the pirate vessel that may suggest they would be targeting or coming after me.

I would hope to survive, but where would I go? I would feel guilt I survived, remembering the bodies of my parents/family. But most I guess I would be wondering if I had survived.

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Haven't figured out how to put my email address in my profile.

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Your email address is in your profile, so you don't need to put it there.

What you need to do is go to your profile and scroll to the bottom of the page. There is an option that says

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Keep your email address viewable to other users when you post notes?

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On your profile, the no "radio button" is selected, which is why your email address isn't available with your posts.

Thanks skadder, your comments are also helpful. I will work on my POV immersion, as I am striving for a deep Third person POV with this story...I was not aware you had also written an escape pod story and in no way am I trying to imitate you (although a WOTF win would be nice )

thanks Foste, g33ky monk3y, and adamatom for your comments as well.