posted
Thanks for all the great stuff so far. Let me try option number 2:
“There’s always one. No matter how much you’re warned, somebody thinks he’s figured out the system, figured he’s smarter than the rest of us, and figured he can cheat on the Citizenship Placement exam. By this time tomorrow, one of you will be out on your duff as a burnout. You’ll only see daylight on holidays and your air will be, at best, triple-recycled. Course, you won’t mind the stink of the lower levels because you’ll be a burnout. And the government doesn’t care who it burns; a cheater’s a cheater. Are there any questions?”
Jodus bit his lip to stop from laughing at the gen-mod sergeant and his rant. The irony of being lectured by a gen-mod about the importance of not using enhancements to achieve a goal was not lost on the sixteen-year-old.
The following is the original: Jodus shuffled through the scanners at the front of the testing sight and into the room with his classmates. He scanned the room while pretending to sneeze. Metal helmets like giant, bionic tulips hung on steel stems above chairs bolted to the floor. The helmets came to life with a quiet murmur and soft glow. The front visor displayed each student’s name to tell each person where to sit. Jodus cracked his knuckles and casually turned on the hypodermal implants in his fingers and used his tongue to press his fake tooth to activate his neural implants. A tall man in military fatigues entered from the rear of the room and marched to the front. His nostrils flared as he spoke. “There’s always one. No matter how much you’re warned,
[This message has been edited by babooher (edited January 28, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by babooher (edited January 28, 2010).]
Jodus shuffled through the scanners at the front of the testing sight(s/b site) and into the room with his classmates.(not sure what you are trying to put across to us with the Jodus shuffling through the door. Is he just tired this morning? Or does he not want to be there? If not important i would just say "Jodus entered the testing site.") He scanned the room while pretending to sneeze.(LOL! I got a comical picture in my head of this. Sneezes are not very discrete, I would suggest something else, unless you going for over the top on it.) Metal helmets like giant, bionic tulips hung on steel stems above chairs bolted to the floor. The helmets came to life with a quiet murmur and soft glow. The front visor displayed each student’s name to tell each person where to sit.("to tell each person where to sit" should be deleted) Jodus cracked his knuckles and casually turned on the hypodermal implants in his fingers and used his tongue to press his fake tooth to activate his neural implants. ( I found this last sentence a bit of a mouthful, Maybe cut in 2 to make it flow better?) A tall man in military fatigues entered from the rear of the room and marched to the front. His nostrils flared as he spoke. “There’s always one. No matter how much you’re warned,
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THe sneezing and scanning the classroom really threw me off. I would even suggest taking out the whole sentence, it's not needed. You can easily go right to the next sentence.
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited January 26, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited January 26, 2010).]
posted
Thanks, Devnal. I had thought about moving this paragraph to a different spot because I the dialogue in the 2nd paragraph seemed to be a better hook and I was a little sad that it didn't much fit into the first 13. The reason I didn't start with the dialogue is that I have some weird notion that starting a story with dialogue is generally a bad idea. Anybody have any thoughts on starting a story with dialogue?
Posts: 823 | Registered: May 2009
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posted
I know that with 1,000 words you're aiming for some condensed storytelling, but being thrown in the deep end with so many new ideas in the first paragraph I found a little daunting: testing site, bionic helmets, visor displays, hypodermal implants, fake teeth, neural implants; all while trying to attach to this character and be interested in following him on his journey. The testing site I assumed to be a different place to the classroom (deduced by classmates + room), so I wasn't sure what to make of what was happening.
Posts: 921 | Registered: Nov 2008
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posted
I just wanted to add a bit to what Ben said. "With 1,000 words you're aiming for some condensed storytelling."
He's so right- some of this stuff can be scrapped so you can make way for the story. For example - the techie stuff.
"Jodus cracked his knuckles and casually turned on the hypodermal implants in his fingers and used his tongue to press his fake tooth to activate his neural implants. " As interesting as it is, is it really relevant to the rest of the story? if he uses these particular items as controls and such while wearing the helmet, does it matter? We can assume as readers, that if he is doing stuff while wearing the helmet, they somehow have worked in the technology to do so. No need to spell it out. Save the words for more story.
posted
I'll offer a contrary opinion to the above. Some people really like the tech-talk stuff and wouldn't find that so confusing. It is a matter of pitching it to the right audience.
I found it intriguing - was he trying to cheat on an exam? Or trying to spy on some new technology? How did the military guard know what he was doing, despite his attempt to hide his intentions? These are all hooks. If the idea of the story is strong enough, I don't care so much about some other story elements that others would.
One caveat, I will want to understand what the purpose of a number of the tech pieces are in the world, including helmets, hypodermal implants and neural implants, as well as the story. 1000 words may not be enough to tell that, but it might.
One sentence I didn't like was
quote:Metal helmets like giant, bionic tulips hung on steel stems above chairs bolted to the floor.
That comes from a preference to metaphor over simile, one that I think is common in fiction these days. The words in bold can be discarded without losing any meaning (the comparison to a flower comes from "stems"). Posts: 789 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
Definitely like the 2nd try better than the first - now we know something more of the world than a room full of hair dryers. We also get more inside Jodus' head. The room description can follow this.
Posts: 406 | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I like the second try better also; it sets the stage better. I assume the MC is the cheater. If the description is cut and the sgt's speech can get to the point sooner, MC can react with a shot of guilt or fear or bravado to indicate that in the last sentence of the 13. That would hook me.
Posts: 60 | Registered: Nov 2009
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