posted
This is all I have of this idea thus far. Let me know what you think. The ideas were kind of coming today. This is kind of a journal entry that would start off the chapter or what ever I end up doing with it. also so you know there are a few words that are missing since the first 13 doesn't allow me to post the whole thing.
…Begin Dred Log I am addressed unofficially as Historicus among my people. I know more than anyone in my village about The Age of Beginnings. The 20th Century was heralded as The Age of Physics. The 21st century was rechristened The Age of Engineering while the 22nd Century was blossoming into The Age of Mechanical Transcendence. The 23rd century brought with it what many believed to be The Second Coming, humbling the calendar to it fetal stage at the year of 1. Today represents the beginning of the year 103 A.S.C. and the end of The Age of Edification. Today is the day I bow, a humble human, before the halos of perfection known as the Superiors. I clutch faith to my breast so that I may survive rechristening to tell the stories of humble Human and Superior during the transitional Age
posted
I'd read on because your intro has an interesting question. After so many years of what sounds like technological progression, why is the narrator so cowed, awed, amazed by the Superiors? You mention transcending things so there appears to be some kind of evolutionary change (even if it is mechanical instead of natural). Why hasn't this been well recorded?
Your intro offers a promise, maybe even several promises, and I would read more.
posted
The flow doesn't feel quite right from the second sentence into the listing of the ages. Is the list all he knows? The list is surely a subset of that knowledge? No clue. Something needs to indicate that The Age of Beginnings is the summation of the others.
Took me out of the flow to figure out A.S.C.
Intriguing beginning. The last sentence is a good hook to read on.
posted
Sorry, but my eyes glaze over at the long list of ages. It feels to me more like an info dump than a hook. Have you considered you might be starting the story in the wrong place? In my experience, I've learned it's better to start with a character doing something -- action rather than introspection.
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posted
I agree with Jennifer about the list of ages; it's like the biblical: Samuel son of Eli, and Eli the son Joshua and so on...and so on.
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